He promised me...

[Eagle3]

When my awesome T back home first learned about his cancer, he promised me he'd be back in practice when it was over, and that he'd post regular updates so I'd know he was still alive. Just yesterday he posted an update that his ability to speak has been affected, and he doesn't think this is a temporary condition. He also stated he won't post any more updates until he's "able to post availability and scheduling". I'm not mad, he needs to do what he needs to do to heal, and I WANT him to take care of himself right now.......but it hurts so damn much to finally have a healthy attachment to a person, only to find out the 2-year curse is still in effect, and I may never be able to talk to him again!

This whole event makes me wonder why I ever let myself trust another person again, knowing something like this would happen (my life's luck). Being away from everything I have any attachment to makes me realize how emotionally shut down I really am. And I don't care. But it still hurts. When he made those promises I knew they weren't ones he had any control over, but now it just HURTS to have that trust broken yet again by someone I let get close.

Honestly I wouldn't trade one moment of our history together, and the lessons I learned from him will stay with me hopefully for the rest of my life, but I know I will never be able to reproduce the support and healing I found in his methods. Even he acknowledges that he's a rare one in this field, and his methods are EXACTLY what I still need!

WHY???? Why can't the universe, just once, let me have more than 2 years with something that really helps, if I get it at all???

So now I sit here, letting myself sob, and feel the pain and anger and grief, and the whole time I tell myself that I'm catastrophising. He may yet find a way to heal up enough to go back to work, and if he does I'm going to be FIRST in line at his office to hash through all the sh*t that's come up throughout his ordeal. But I can't shake the dreadful feeling that I'll never be able to see him again. And the worst part is, while I've always been able to email him everything, I don't feel like I can do that right now, since he's busy fighting for his life and doesn't need my issues intruding.

F*ck cancer. This whole thing sucks. I wanna go home. I want my awesome therapist back. Just once more, I want to feel like someone is willing to do whatever it takes to help me heal. Just, F*CK!!!!!

 

[Suzetig]

F*ck cancer. This whole thing sucks

It really does suck, I’m so sorry he’s so very unwell.

I think the logical part of you knows he has no control over this, that he can’t be anyone’s T just now and that he needs to give time to heal and to be with his loved ones.

The other part just wants what it wants. Wants him to be permanently available to you, wants him to get through this and be ok, to still be in his life - that’s all so understandable and I think it’s so normal to swing between those feelings.

Now is the time to draw on what you’ve learned in therapy about coping, distress tolerance, about yourself and how valuable you are. I wonder if instead of waiting until he’s better you might think about seeing someone to help support you with these feelings? The good news (while I know it doesn’t feel like it) is that if you found help, care and growth with one T, you’ll find it with another. It might take a bit of looking but even identifying someone to dump all of these feelings on might give you some head space.

You won’t be betraying, abandoning or deserting your old T, just getting some help in the meantime.

 

[Eagle3]

I do have a local T who I will be seeing tonight, but he's nowhere NEAR as good as my sick T. Honestly, if he's not useful in some way tonight, I won't be going back (VERY small town, no resources, and I can't afford to spend money on useless therapy). This whole thing just brings up so much trauma....I even left work early today because I can't stop crying. I'm just glad I do have support, even if its not physically here where I am. This really hurts, and I feel like I'm having to handle it very alone again. So thanks for being a big part of my support system and my ability to process stuff...I really appreciate this site!

 

[Friday]

This whole event makes me wonder why I ever let myself trust another person again, knowing something like this would happen (my life's luck)

It might be worth considering

- It’s not your luck, it’s life itself :) Not in a bad way
- Healthy attachments include life stuff

People we like/love get married, get divorced, move away, have babies/have grand babies, get sick, get injured, change careers, get fired, retire... all very much changing relationship dynamics. For both short & long periods of time.

It’s abusive/unhealthy relationships that remain static. The healthy ones change a LOT over time, and in reaction to circumstance.

So it might be worth considering that instead of this being an interruption (to learning & living healthy attachment) it’s actually PART of that journey.

 

[Eagle3]

I agree with your position, except for one thing....I still can't develop a healthy relationship in the real world. We still have lots of work unfinished, and I'm not currently in a place to find someone who can pick up where this guy left off. It's the same patterns of my life that keep repeating, and it sucks. Sick T is trying like hell to get back to work, and I'm trying like hell to get home so we can pick up working on stuff again, but I know that even if he doesn't come back I'm still going to keep moving forward as much as I can. But at least I have a better picture of an effective therapist for me, and its going to be VERY tough to find!

It's not the change that bothers me....its the TIMING of the change......and I'm actually very proud of how well I'm handling the whole situation. I'm taking care of myself, reaching out to friends for support, and letting myself feel the pain. I'm doing ok, it just HURTS....and I STILL can't help but feel like this is all my fault on an energetic level.....his voice is his life, and now that may be permanently gone. I've had that dynamic play out in my own life so many times its not even funny. I really do feel for the guy for several reasons.

In any case, this all may be a moot issue. He may get his ability to speak back enough to work, and we can do therapy in person again when I get back. That's the hope. But I can't get rid of the nagging fear that this will be one more abandonment from someone I desperately need.

 

[Sideways]

I'm doing ok, it just HURTS....and I STILL can't help but feel like this is all my fault on an energetic level.....

There’s 2 parts to this:
The feeling: it hurts. I can only imagine it hurts like hell. There’s fear, disappointment, anger, sadness. There’s a whole heap of emotions that this situation has created. Those are all legitimate feelings, and actually? I think you should congratulate yourself that you’re allowing yourself to experience those emotions.

Negative emotions, painful emotions? They’re part of our journey. And they’re telling you something- this T was important, you care a lot, and you put a lot of value in continuing with your recovery.

So in my mind? You are absolutely doing the right thing letting yourself feel these emotions. Emotions, good and bad, are a big part of what makes our life meaningful.

The second part? Is the meaning that you’re attaching to the emotions. Your brain seems to be using these emotions to reinforce some of the negative core beliefs that come from your trauma history. That’s the part that maybe needs challening, or at least putting aside. What’s happened here? Actually says nothing about you as a person, or the impact you have on people, or any kind of fatalistic destiny to only ever have Ts for 2 years.

The emotions themselves? Are painful, but they’re legitimate, and given the importance of this T in your life? They make perfect sense. And yes, you are doing a fantastic job coping with an incredibly distressing situation.

If you can, keep allowing these emotions to run their course (and they will - emotions always pass if we give them space). But if you can, try and keep some separation between the emotions and the cognitive distortions that you’re attaching to them. Life has some awful twists and turns. Cancer? Is just really reeeally bad luck, and it’s nothing you did, could have done, or somehow cosmically influenced.

I hope he gets back to work. I really do. That would be great for him and you. But if he doesn’t? You will find a new way forward, you will.