Relationship He Said He Doesn't Love Me Anymore

[Gorjussgeorgia]

I am completely new to this site. My husband was medically retired from the army for PTSD after a suicide attempt. We have been married for 4 years and have a 3 year old son. We have a good marriage. About three weeks ago he told me he didn't love me anymore and said he's very emotionally shutdown even from our son.

He asked me to go back to my hometown while he tries to work things out and tries to have feelings for me again. I feel destroyed. I don't know how to help him. I got him set up with therapy but he hasn't gotten a appointment yet.

Has anyone else been through this? Did you guys work it out? I'm trying my hardest to not give up on him but he's so cold to me. Thank you.

 

[Deleted member 23044]

I feel like I'm in your husband's position RIGHT NOW! Only I'm the woman.

My BF is completely at a loss and just asks me what he can do to help whenever I do text him or talk to him(which is becoming rarer and rarer), and I don't really know what to say to him, either. I told him just to be there, for whenever I do feel like being open with him... and that when I AM open with him about what I'm going through, I told him not to interrupt me(he does that!) and not to brush me off so quickly and interject with his opinions and his complaints(he's complained so much!) and most of all, his immediately DENIAL. I have felt denial on his end, and it just pushes me further away. And, he talks too damn much sometimes, and he talks OVER me, and I've called him out on it all. I just need people to LISTEN to me and not deny me. I've reverted to sending him text messages about how I'm feeling, randomly... loooong texts, that way he can't talk over me, lol.

I feel secretly terrible about it all, but I just can't deal with it. I do not want to make any decisions about whether or not we can keep this relationship going, either, I feel like I'm in limbo myself. In a way I've forced him into a "break." And I don't know how long this will take me, and I know and have told him that I'm presently not in any kind of position to be able to be a supportive and loving partner towards him, or anyone(including myself, lol!). I told him that I don't want to break up, but that I just need time and space... to get my stuff together, too. I have no idea if we will last... I have told him that if he can't handle it then he can call it quits... and I would understand. I have said that in a response to his complaints.

But, I have a distant hope... that once I'm through this, we can be happy again, and together, the way we used to be. I don't know if this helps you at all... there's no way for you to try to pry information out of your husband, either. You can't force him to talk to you, he has to decide to do that himself. So don't pry. You can only be patient, and quiet with him, and keep your complaints(about ANYTHING) to yourself and only send him POSITIVE things. A cute picture of your baby son. A reassurance that you are there to listen to him, and if he does the "you won't understand" thang, reassure him that you could still be a good listener, someone to open up to, someone trustworthy, someone that won't judge him and will love him and BELIEVE him no matter what. Don't send him complaints, again, about anything! Not even a, "ugh I can't get the baby to take a nap anymore," or even a "my stomach hurts!" It'll be too much for him... he can't handle that extra stress, even the little stupid stuff. If you need to complain about something, find someone else to fill that void! Complain about him and everything to everyone else(us here) BUT him, keep it from him. And if you want to tell him that you miss him... try to add something positive in there, too, like, "I miss you, but it's ok, I'm in this for the long run and whenever you're ready to open up to me I'm here, I love you always."

God it sounds like I'm a huge baby. But really, I am lately... I can't handle the regular stress of daily life right now... and that's why I've been isolating and holing myself up, to keep the stress factor down to a minimal and make myself feel as comfortable as possible.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and that your husband is going through it, too. It's pretty awful for everyone involved. :( Try to hang in there... I hope what I've shared helps.

 

[wolfkitty]

I can relate to this situation and again I am in your husbands shoes.

When I get stressed out I shut down and pull more and more inside myself. If someone pushes me to open up I shut down even more. It is the only way I can cope at times.

My beloved has learned that when I am this way the best thing he can do for me is;, not talk to me, not complain about things to me, not ask me to make any decisions and just reach out as often as he can and take my hand and smile.

He has also come to understand I can't make any decisions when I am like that, and I can't. This is never a good time to ask me to decide on anything. When I get to this point I am so OVER the top stimulated that I have to reduce the stimulation any way i can. Even the good stimulation.

I have also learned not to tell him to leave me when I am like this, it hurts him too much. But I used to every four or six months tell him to get out of my life. Not because I wanted him to leave but I couldn't take all the stimulation of the relationship. I love him so much it scares me some times and that love can overstimulate me and shut me down.

It is hard to love when you have PTSD because for me, at least, I coped with the over welming feelings by shutting them all off. Loving someone turns them all on again and you get the good with the bad. For some that is just too much and they shut down again.

Hope this all makes sense but I just got back from a shopping trip and am feeling over stimulated right now and just want to go bury myself in a dark room somewhere. :wtf:

 

[DMerish]

I'm sorry you're in this place. It's a real, a really tough place to be. But knowing you can't help him is an accurate perception.

He has to help himself learn how to manage his symptoms, communicate effectively with others and how to be in relationship when his PTSD rears it's ugly head. The best thing you can do for him is to simply accept all the good and the bad that's there. That is not to say any poor behavior he displays towards you or your child is okay. It means not to be judgmental, and to realize that when he's having an especially really tough time he's apt to say things that aren't true and that he really doesn't mean, like saying he doesn't love you anymore.

As strange as it sounds, it is possible to feel love and hate at the same time towards someone. It's also possible for emotions to be so buried that one isn't aware of what they feel. He probably can't feel much of anything except there's something deeply wrong with him and a lot of shame and guilt. Most non-PTSD supporters have no idea how deeply shame and guilt are fixated in us.

Making an assumption (from how PTSD has exhibited in me) your hubby is in a very painful place, judging himself and his "deficiencies" and wants you to have a better life - one that's not subject to his varied symptoms, odd feelings and odd behaviors.

Please do not feel destroyed by his suggestion to return to your home town. The best you can do for yourself, your child and your hubby (with or without him) is to be a model of someone that leads a healthy, happy, and productive life.

Drew

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think it's important to realize that not loving someone anymore because of the numbing of PTSD is....er, rather can be different from falling out of love in a normal non-PTSD relationship. What I mean is that it's like we've been smothered by a numbing blanket. The emotion is....or is *possibly* still there, it's just that we can't access it.

I don't want to give you false hope as every situation is different, but I also don't want to see you just give up. I hope that you can give him time to start the healing process and it's possible that when the numbness lifts, he will feel love for you again.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I feel destroyed

GorjussGeorgia, so sorry you are hurting.

From a fellow supporter's point of view, I just want to make sure that you are taking care of yourself through all this. He's the one that has PTSD, but your hurt and emotions are just as valid as his. It sucks, and it is not fair that your relationship blew up in your face like this, and you are allowed to go through your own process to deal with it.

Do you have a support system for yourself and your son? Or do you maybe need to speak to a counselor to deal with all of this? You have to look out for yourself and your son first, especially if he is not there emotionally for either one of you. You cannot help him if he isn't helping himself.

Have you checked out resources through the VA?

 

[MSMiller]

OMGoodness that is hard to hear but I have been there over and over with my sufferer. We have been together over 2 years and have recently married. Between we us we have several children and it is hard every day. Please stay connected with the group. You will need the support of those who understand your confusion, love and commitment.

This is hard to hear from him, I understand. But as other post have said this is the time to take care of yourself and child. You can endure this and possibly the marriage will endure. Realize you are in crisis and nobody in your circle could offer any real advise to you that is balanced. Only the 2 of you know what is happening and all the facts that may go with it. Perhaps it is worth reviewing his medications. Also if you haven't already plan for plan "B" which is that you may need to be strong while he sorts through this in his mind and get some breathing space between you both; maintain communication and please trust your better judgement.

 

[Gorjussgeorgia]

Thank you guys. I'm trying so hard to be strong for him and not leave him but he makes it extremely hard. We have had a pretty good marriage I have have battled depression on and off since I was 13 years old. When he left the army we had to move half way across the country where he was from to start over and I had left the only home that I have ever knew and that's when my depression flared up really bad. I feel like a terrible wife because he told me that he's been going through this for at least a year and I didn't even notice. He came home from work ( it was a couple of days after the 10 year anniversary of his sgts death so I guess that was the trigger) and told me he wasn't In love with me anymore and then it gradually evolved into " I don't love you anymore". It doesn't seem like the distance his helping us any and I just hope that the therapy and me sticking by his side and not giving up will make him realize that he does still love me he's just so emotionally cut off.

 

[MSMiller]

I am so sorry for you. My heart goes out to you and your family.

 

[Gorjussgeorgia]

Thank you

 

[BehindBlueEyes]

My fiancé has been going through the same thing of shutting me out and I know how painful that can be, I can't imagine what it's like in your shoes but if you know in your heart that you love him, give it everything you have and just trust that he will come out of it and be able to show you his love again. I am sorry that you are going through all of this.

 

[Gorjussgeorgia]

With ptsd do you tend to pick and choose who you shut out? My husband has shut myself and even our son out but not his friends , coworkers, or famlies. He says it's just easier with them because he doesn't have to come home to them. They get to see his good side. I thought if you were emotionally shutdown that was from everyone not just a select few.