General He Wants To Skype/i Need To Vent

[Peach]

What used to be a weekly occurrence, became a monthly thing about two months ago. His decision, not mine. In the midst of his overflowing cup, he wanted to take it off the table all together. After he started getting his head back together, but was still isolating a bit, I gently told him that if he wanted to be friends then he had to start acting like a friend again. Boy did he! Huge turn around, practically a 180 from the freaking crater I left in my ill timed and badly laid out plan to move to the next level. If only I had a time machine!!!:banghead:

I did convince him to talk/Skype with me (we still email every day aside from his latest stresser with those forms he was filling out which are now finished. Yay!), but he said it wouldn't be every week and it wouldn't be for 3+ hours at a time. Well, since then we've Skyped once - he asked if I wanted to talk for an hour, but because we do enjoy each others company so much and the conversation is so easy, we fell back into our normal routine, and it was 2 hours later when he was getting up to get another cuppa tea that he realized he went over his own time frame. I had noticed, but I certainly wasn't going to say anything.

Well, I woke to a letter this morning and he asked if I'd want to Skype tomorrow. I do. But he's not stupid, and he pushed it back an hour from the usual time. I can't help but to think this is his way of trying to keep it from running over his "new" allotted time of 1 or 2 hours, as it is late evening for him by the time we hang up.

I am excited to talk to him and am happy to get what I can. Ugh, I hate thinking that. It's so desperate and makes me feel like he's some King and I am but a lowly peasant hoping he could spare a few seconds of his time. I am worth so much more than that! And yet, I keep coming back for more because I know if he'd give in, it would be so worth it! I just keep thinking, "Give it time, give it time, give it time..." and eventually he'll give up this fight he's putting up to not "fall under my spell."

It's only a matter of time. Be patient. Play it cool. He can't keep this up forever.

God, I'm stupid...... :(

What we've got here are two leaders quietly fighting for dominance. He is a natural leader and because of the PTSD I give him a lot of leeway, I want him to feel comfortable. And I am not really a 'balls to the wall' leader, more like a 7 on a scale to 10. I can take the backseat if I'm happy with the leadership and happy with what I'm getting in return, but if I'm not, I have no qualms at all about being the driver. That's how this feels to me - this patience thing is soooo hard! I'm biding my time, hoping and praying he'll come around. How long will I wait before I can't take it anymore and decided it's better for me to just get out of the car? I really don't know.

Another thing is that my jealousy is starting to flare. He has an army buddy BFF (also has PTSD) whom he Skypes with several times a week. He says BFF starts whining if he doesn't give him enough time. I've never begrudged their relationship before. I'm glad he is so close to someone who understand him on so many different levels. Before, I had my own 'face' time so I didn't feel like I was second fiddle to the BFF. But since he cut me back to practically nothing, Skype wise, those feeling have started to creep in. I'm feeling unimportant and it's edging towards resentful. But I know it's really not about BFF, he is such a nice man - I talked with him myself a couple times while I was with my guy, this is about me and my own feelings of.... inadequacy, I guess.

I'm just feeling blue today. I know what it is - PMS. Very dangerous time of the month for me. I get hormonal and say emotional things to my guy and it always turns out badly.:whistling: Knowing the problem is have the battle! So if I vent here, I won't say anything to further upset the apple cart and blow everything to smithereens! :p

So, I'll Skype with him tomorrow and enjoy every second of it, but between you and me, I kinda feel like being childish and saying, "Oh, sorry, I'm busy tomorrow...maybe I can fit you in next week.":sneaky::rolleyes:

 

[shimmerz]

But he's not stupid, and he pushed it back an hour from the usual time. I can't help but to think this is his way of trying to keep it from running over his "new" allotted time of 1 or 2 hours

It is really important for us PTSD'ers not to over extend ourselves. We do this by assigning times to things so we don't completely blow ourselves up and pay for it later.

To be supportive in this process I would help him to meet his goals and keep it to an hour. I don't think supporters realize how important a process this is for us in self management and self regulation. It keeps us healthy.

 

[Deleted member 27524]

@Peach Thank you for making me laugh! That time of the month thing cracks me up a little cause D always says "is it that time of the month? Light a candle and lie down." When I tend to be a bit more emotional than others.

 

[Deleted member 27524]

@shimmerz that's interesting to hear because most of my conversations with D are usually exactly 1 hour before he cut them off. I've sworn before to myself he was timing it!

 

[sun seeker]

I don't think supporters realize how important a process this is for us in self management and self regulation.

The consequences of overextending can be so much more than they would be for a "normal" person. (Not that I've ever been normal, so I take this from observation.) It's not just about momentary fatigue. That overflowing stress cup can spiral into a reactive mode where seemingly little things are suddenly too much and life unravels.

What we've got here are two leaders quietly fighting for dominance. He is a natural leader and because of the PTSD I give him a lot of leeway, I want him to feel comfortable. And I am not really a 'balls to the wall' leader, more like a 7 on a scale to 10. I can take the backseat if I'm happy with the leadership and happy with what I'm getting in return, but if I'm not, I have no qualms at all about being the driver.

I wonder what would happen if instead of seeing the relationship as a competition, you tried seeing it as a team effort? Instead of "his needs or mine" how about "collectively we have these needs, how can we meet them?" Then supporting him in getting the downtime he needs becomes important to you too, and not something you are fighting him over. Different perspective, likely very different results.

 

[Peach]

Wow @shimmerz , I hear what you're saying, and it does make a great deal of sense, but it would be so hard to say goodbye after an hour if he's still willing to keep going, when my own issue with the whole thing is that I want more. That's a very tough call. Definitely worth thinking about though.

@Thunderstorm LOL! A couple days a month we seem to fall apart for no reason, only to remember a day or two later, oh yeah, that's why.:roflmao:

@sun seeker You actually did hit the nail on the head. I first realized I have a problem with being overly competitive with the people I care about most when I was around 13 and had a best friend. I'm not exactly sure what happens, but it's like I put these people on a pedestal; they're hilarious, creative, smart, fun, amazing, etc. etc. etc. and I get competitive because the greater I build them up, the lower I become and yet I need them to see me as being as totally awesome as I see them. Why don't I already feel like they see me that way? I guess because I feel like I always put in more effort to do nice things for them or to spend time with them than they do for me. I've tried to be conscious of it ever since and have made major improvements, but this...I didn't even see that it was related. I'm gonna have to ponder this good and hard for a while.

Also, since we are an ocean away from each other I don't see how I could possibly give him more downtime. He writes me an email when he wants (which is generally every day or two - which I'm very thankful for) and we Skype...now once a month-ish (or longer). I don't beg him for these things, though he does know I want to Skype more often again. But he's got control of both of those things, if he didn't want to write or Skype, he wouldn't. I'm not sure how I can give him any more of my patience and understanding and support when it is, to an extent, one sided - as in I can't clean up his house, make him a nice dinner, do a chore he hates doing, or give him a back rub. Except to give more of my time conversing (which is ultimately what I want anyway), but in return he has to be willing to receive it and give more of himself (as in conversations are a two way street).

Never expected things to get so deep in here. :eek: Like I said, I need to think about all this. Maybe I'll have a light bulb moment.:confused::)

 

[sun seeker]

I'm not exactly sure what happens, but it's like I put these people on a pedestal; they're hilarious, creative, smart, fun, amazing, etc. etc. etc. and I get competitive because the greater I build them up, the lower I become and yet I need them to see me as being as totally awesome as I see them. Why don't I already feel like they see me that way? I guess because I feel like I always put in more effort to do nice things for them or to spend time with them than they do for me. I've tried to be conscious of it ever since and have made major improvements, but this...I didn't even see that it was related. I'm gonna have to ponder this good and hard for a while.

Hmm. I wonder. It sounds like competition is important to you. That's a trait you can use in more than one way. What would it look like if you and those you have been competing with instead joined forces and acted as a team? Could you channel that energy towards mutual projects instead of against each other? Just wondering.

But he's got control of both of those things,

Is control the real issue here? It's tricky when control issues come into a relationship. Vying for control goes hand in hand with competition. Hard to be a team with these issues coming up. It does sound as though the possibilities are limited under the circumstances. I'm sorry. It sounds sad.

 

[Peach]

@sun seeker Someone's quite the psychoanalyst! LOL Yes, control is also a fault of mine that I have worked hard to correct. Used to have a real problem with authority like church elders and police. Nothing too outrageous, I was raised to be respectful so I'd hold my tongue, but once they we're out of my line of sight - whoa! Watch out! Last time I had a blow up was with a DNR Agent sneaking around the woods, lakeside, 8 or 9 years ago. LOL I've since cooled my heels. :p Guess we all have quirks, but I do try to be self aware and make sure mine don't make people think I'm a B...sometimes it seems like I've got a good handle and sometimes it's a work in progress.;)

It does sound as though the possibilities are limited under the circumstances. I'm sorry. It sounds sad.

Ahh, it's not ideal, but what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. If we can get ourselves worked out now with this type of long distance hardship, we should be better together if/when it's no longer an issue.

As an update:

I turned on my Skype early this morning, as I always do, and figured my vet would show up at the time he had proposed or, if I was lucky, maybe even earlier. And he did, actually 40 minutes early!:playful: I was a happy camper! He said his head was still cabbaged from the forms he had been filling out and I could tell in the beginning he was a little off. Poor guy. He's been having trouble sleeping because of it and if he was able to take his nap today, he didn't want to risk oversleeping and missing me or waking late and having to rush around before calling, thus he pushed the time back an hour. So sensible and not at all to do with the fears I had started to conjure about him limiting his time with me. :D

We ended up talking for 2 hours and 45 minutes and I feel like my meter has been restored! I've missed talking with him so much. I had a great time and after just 10 minutes of getting the awkward "it's been over a month since I've seen you" pleasantries out of the way, I had him laughing up a storm. Goes without saying I can't stop giggling when he's around.:inlove: We're both so snarky and sarcastic it's ridiculous, but we're also both very good at taking the teasing in stride. Plus, he was a bit of a horny toad today and that's always fun...and a very good sign!:woot: LMAO!

I have no idea what this means in regards to our future Skype dates. Will they be restored to weekly? Hopefully one day, but probably not yet. However, this being patient thing seems to be paying off and I will continue on with that and just see where things go.

It was just a really nice afternoon and I remembered again why he is worth the uncertainty I feel at times. He is a genuinely good person and he makes me a better person, too. :happy: