Head Is A Mess Of Confusion

[Flyaway]

My head is a mess.

Last night was rough- in my nightmares/dreams I remembered more of my past that I had tucked away and forgotten.

I've been lost in flashbacks and dissociation all day. I'm feeling super sensitive, and at the same time a bubbling rage.

I just wish it would all go away! I'm sick of struggling so much, every single day. I'm sick of how my cPTSD impacts my relationships- the people I love. I'm sick of so few people being able to cope with what I've experienced, and how it affects my life. I'm sick of not getting the quality sleep I need.

Regardless, I'm grateful that I feel safe enough to feel all this hurt. I'm grateful that I am the kind of person to challenge the nightmare I grew up in, and not pass on the crap to future generations.

Will I ever see the rewards for my efforts? Will I ever be able to have a healthy relationship- with a man? Will I ever have a family of my own to replace the people I once called family?

I'm feeling so much doubt and confusion right now... And anger: F*CK THE ASSHOLES WHO MOLESTED AND RAPED ME!!! F*CK THE ASSWIPES WHO EXPLOITED ME AND TURNED A BLIND EYE TO THE HORRENDOUS ABUSE I WAS FORCED TO ENDURE FOR SO LONG!!!! ...wasn't all the abuse enough? Why do I have to suffer so much now?

For the first time, I'm living in a place I actually feel safe. I've found a friend who has had a very similar upbringing- I can talk about anything with her... Instead of just enjoying it, I find myself feeling so fearful of when it will end- will she betray me? or leave me? Like so many so called friends have done in the past... I guess only time will tell- if I can manage to keep my heart open and not shut down and possibly sabotage things.

I'd appreciate any thoughts or insight anyone is willing to offer.

 

[keifer]

You have a right to be angry. From what I know, reading and experiencing for myself, anger is a response to feel safe and the event itself is found unjust to you. Writing and talking about experience does cause you to relive it but also causes your brain to re-process it. It will diminish over time but maybe not completely. I still feel such anger myself so much my arms and shoulder ache from how tight I've clenched my fists.

You may find yourself sabotaging things even though the other person has done no wrong. I have a friend with PTSD too. I've went off on her a few times for no reason. She understands and still talks to me. It's a crap thing this PTSD. I've found very few people understand it but to understand it is to have it; now that's just crap.

I guess I said things get better over time. It just can be a long, very long, time. Being safe is key. I don't feel that safe where I live and the nightmares don't completely stop. I also cry at times for no reason. I'm better but like I said, it's a very long road.

 

[fly away home]

I am sorry I can't offer you much at the moment other than I am with you in wishing the pain would stop.

I'm am glad you are in a safe place now. This is your chance to heal. Learning to trust that people won't leave is incredibly hard. I hope things go well

 

[Flyaway]

Thanks for the validation and encouragement @keifer and @fly away home ...I'm doing a bit better today... I realised that a few days ago I really needed to vent some rage, I didn't act on it and the anger seems to be festering and turning inwards. I'm self caring today, just got back from the beach... It was very calming!

Keifer I'm sorry you're still not in a safe place- I hope you find that place soon! It's overwhelming when in survival mode all the time. Hope you're both pulling through today xox

 

[keifer]

@Flyaway Validation, that's a key word in this like safe is.