Healing From Torture

[PTSD sufferer]

In one poem I found myself writing the line, "No-one in that room was human in the end" .... I wasn't human because they had decided I was something else to them

I really relate to this. They were not human...to me, even the calling purps monsters, devil, etc was not descriptive enough. But these were exactly the words I had written in my dot points in caps and etched so hard with the blackest ink I could find. 'Not human' is the right word.

But I'm here, and i'm accepting it, understanding it, epressing it, being heard and witnessed and - finally - surviving it. So... where is their power now? They had the power then, and I acknowledge that, but that was then. This is now.

These are very powerful words Hashi! Very, very powerful!

 

[PTSD sufferer]

• Humiliation

This is a very strong one for me too. This was one of my dot points, 'I am humiliated' which was written in light ink and in a scared scribbled way.

• Fear of intamacy - puts a strain on my marriage = pain and me struggling to demonstrate why I do not want to have sex. Is it that hard to understand? I just know sex will be painful...flashbacks, dissasociation - not worth it - selfish I know but, that is the way it has to be
• Fear everyone is watching and talking about me
• Fear of being alone because I push people away

I noticed that the description of social anxiety disorders and their patterns of manifestation seems to pop up quite a bit in myself. Thank you Ja9w for bringing this up. These points resonate with me and it is something I am working on at the moment. Intimacy is very difficult for me, and although some libito issues are a side affect of medication, I have a lot of work to do on allowing intimacy and reframing its negative feelings.

As much (and as little) as I've accomplished has been done analytically - I'm a math and logic guy...Making sure to keep track of what I do and don't like in any person (even bad people).

This is a really hard one for me. I keep track of what I don't like in people a bit more than what I do like. It is sometimes hard to pin point what traits and behaviours I don't like, and even harder to accept that I do not pin point it automatically...it seems to come out later/ too late - but that's negative talk isn't it.

What is very difficult is that a lot of what I am currently experiencing seems to defy communication or articulation and takes on the form of pure, almost wordless or nonverbal, agony.

Torture is every bit what it sounds like - utterly torturous. It sickens me to see how many of us felt we had something to contribute to this thread, which has helped me by the way, in spite of how hard it's been to contribute myself.

(((Maddog))) Your words really resonated with me. I am sad that there are so many of us with these feelings but I am glad that we are all working through our feelings together. xxoo

 

[maddog]

Hashi. Your words certainly are very powerful, I wish I could "like" them a hundred times. And I understand about the use of the metaphor and think this is maybe something I could try. I'm working hard to begin to utilise imagery and metaphor in therapy, it's not something I've ever been any good at, but increasingly I'm finding that the more traditional forms of direct dialogue and communication are starting to fail, and this terrifies me, as though my very ability to connect to humanity is waning. I need to find a way of channelling this before the desperation and despair intensify any further, and I felt a spark of hope as I read of your anger dragon...

I confess I'm not doing great with this torture stuff right now, am floundering badly in therapy and feeling disillusioned with it for the first time since I began 2 years ago. It's not my T, it's me, and I have to find a way to unbind this bind and to conquer a shame and a despair that is robbing me of my greatest salvation - communication.

As always, very touched and encouraged by this thread.

MD

 

[Hashi]

I really relate to this. They were not human...to me, even the calling purps monsters, devil, etc was not descriptive enough. But these were exactly the words I had written in my dot points in caps and etched so hard with the blackest ink I could find. 'Not human' is the right word.

Thank you so much for understanding. My previous therapist used to sometimes refer to my attackers with words like monsters and animals, and although I appreciated the depth of her feeling on my behalf, it just didn't feel right. Because those things - even as myth - are still of the world we know, and my experience was not.

I confess I'm not doing great with this torture stuff right now, am floundering badly in therapy and feeling disillusioned with it for the first time since I began 2 years ago. It's not my T, it's me, and I have to find a way to unbind this bind and to conquer a shame and a despair that is robbing me of my greatest salvation - communication.

I'm so sorry you're struggling. I know being able to articulate things is very important to you, it is to me too, and I'm hoping you can find your voice and get past these feelings of shame and despair. I have also felt desperate and hopeless many times, it's a terrible place to be. I'm thinking of you.


I'm not doing so great with this right now myself. I've been focussing in therapy and outside it on feeling stronger and safer, and that has been going well. So presumably my subconscious thought that meant I was ready for the next thing and gave me a very tough dream. Not a nightmare, but a dream that relates to aspects of what happened. I knew it would be rough but I didn't realise how rough until I started writing about it. I feel shaken and in shock - which is what happens when I work on this - and like all the emotional strength and energy I've been building up these past few weeks got used completely in the space of an hour.

Didn't know what to do with myself this evening so I decided to help my neighbour by clearing some of his overgrown garden. I've pretty much demolished half a tree, and it felt good while I was doing it but it's dark now and here I am with my thoughts again. Oh well....

Sending good wishes to everyone here.

 

[maddog]

Thinking of you Hashi, the nights are always, always my worst times, and a whole new raft of memory, feeling and trigger state just before nightfall is a scary place. Hope you're doing ok.

MD

 

[Helliepig]

I was drawn to this discussion, and it is stirring something in me, but I am having a strange experience in relation to it. It is like I cannot understand what I am reading, cannot make the words into logical sense, yet what i read is bringing tears to my eyes. I cannot formulate a response even though there is something big inside me that wants to contribute. I have never conciously had this experience before.. weird. Perhaps the preverbal part of me is resonating with all this but cannot find a way to say so.

It is sort of Maddog's overwhelming agony with no words, only muted, subterranean, unseen. Perhaps in the past when I have felt like this i have just moved on, "bored" or irritated in some way.

I'm sorry I can't reach out to what any of you have written, but thankyou..

 

[Hashi]

Helliepig, I think you have said something here, expressing difficulties many of us can probably relate to.

One reason (there are obvious, other ones) why I asked for no specific details in this thread is that, for me, talking factually about what happened is different from recognising the feelings and effects.

I think this can be not only pre-verbal but simply non-verbal. So in a way it doesn't make sense to try to discuss it. When I've written things here, I've found myself putting the words in the wrong order, in fact I get confused what order they should be in at all. I can't help wondering if that's to do with the difficulty of finding words for all this.

But I'm grateful to you and everyone for your words here.

 

[Hashi]

Thinking of you Hashi, the nights are always, always my worst times... Hope you're doing ok.

Thanks, Maddog. I'm trying to build myself back up again and starting to feel better. Hope you and everyone else are doing OK too.

 

[Elizabeth-Ann]

I think I found my thread!

Still unable to articulate what happened to me four years ago (even with my Psy who I see since February) reading your posts makes me feel less lonley. I can relate.

I am still in emotional denial. My brain knows that it is real what happened and my body reminds me constantly, but emotionally I block out and feel as it was a only story I invented.

I would like to talk about it, but at the same time it is impossible - extreme fear, panic, disgust. The one and only time I started to tell my Psy, I literally passed out after a few sentences.

Yes, I survived torture, it is the first time I actually "say" it... :cry:

 

[shell]

I found it so hard to read these post, because then I would have to admit that at times, that's what it was.

Admitting that someone you love would treat you in such a dehumanizing way, and starting to recognize it for what it was, is perhaps a step towards healing. Denying the truth, refusing to name it, just makes the shame endure, and my hurt everlasting. I even had to look up the meaning of torture, before I could accept that's what it was.

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((Elibeth-Ann)))))

 

[Elizabeth-Ann]

((((Shell)))))

I am slowly learning to name things. Talking to my Psy about the details what exactly happened is not possible yet.

He reminds me all the time to take care of myself, not to rush anything and to respect my limits, to stop talking if I feel it is to much at once. Otherwise there would be danger to re-traumatize he says. I am so thankful for his patience.

Living abroad, I normally speek perfectly well the language of this country. But with horror I discover that I do not have the vocabulary to discribe what I went through.

I learn to talk like a child does, looking up words in the dictionary and learning also from your posts - English is a foreign language to me too.

I read a post and think to myself: "That is it what I would like to say". I take notes and translate it into my language and then to the language of the country I live.

All that helps me to approach "it" slowly and to find my way to healing.

I am so thankful I found this forum. Sorry that my English is limited.