Hello: Childhood Abuse Survivor

[Julliete]

I appreciate all your welcomes, Deaf Global Nomad, Angelkeeper, Lost4awhile. Thank you for all your support.

Deaf Global Nomad I understand you not wanting to take on the fight. In my case, I had to get on with my life as it was consuming me. I was still naive. I thought there was a slight chance they might be regretful (a slight longing that I had some real family after all) and acknowledge their wrongdoing; I was very very wrong. It took a lot of energy and sometimes that is best spent on self than on fighting... I admire you for going into therapy and sticking.

Thanks all again for your welcomes. And for your encouragement. I am teaching now (my first year)... but I was unemployed/partially employed for 5 years prior due to ptsd. I was too isolated to even think of posting on a board like this. Your words of pulling through and finding support here and elsewhere for yourselves are encouraging and it is wonderful to see so many bright souls here...

 

[Iam]

Hi Julliete. Wow....I am so sorry for all you've gone through. Kudos to you for fighting hard for yourself and looking for support. You will find the support and understanding that you're looking for here on the forum. There is also a great deal of information that will help as you work on healing.

As a survivor of childhood abuse I can't encourage you enough to find a good trauma therapist. PTSD is tough to deal with and virtually impossible to cope with without professional help. You sound very strong and intelligent. Both
factors that helped you survive and will help you heal.

Anyway, just wanted to welcome you to the forum. Look forward to getting to know you :)

 

[Roline]

Just wanted to say welcome

I too was put in a state psych hospital only for a weekend until I transfered to the private sector. It was awful and I feel for you having to endure two months of it. I was in for ptsd childhood sexual abuse and the idiots put me in the male wing - I feel sick thinking about it :( More work for the trauma therapist!!!

Take care and good luck in your journey

 

[Julliete]

Hello Iam and Roline,

Thank you so much for your words of welcome, and for your encouragement to find a good therapist (Iam)! And for sharing your experience (Roline)! People can be so thoughtless... putting you in the wrong wing. I'm sorry that you had a poor experience as well... it sounds like you got out and to a better place though! I appreciate you sharing... it's really good to hear other people's stories and experiences.

The psych ward felt horrible for me... worst of all was sitting face to face with a psychiatrist who would tell me that I was a paranoid schizo. and that I had imagined all the abuse. And being told that I couldn't ever function normally and would need medication the rest of my life. As a survivor, one of our fears of talking is that we won't be believed... and that is exactly what happened.

Thankfully, the staff at the hospital psych ward (the nurses and auxiliery) were supportive. They all knew my file and diagnosis, and several of the nurses and staff told me privately that they believed me and they did not think I was making it up or delusional. Their support (all the while I was locked up with a schizo diagnosis and on medication to "treat" it) was helpful; it helped keep me sane while in a place that could make you crazy... it was very hard. I was held for so long because I wasn't showing "improvement" on the medication... (the medication was to treat schizophrenia and I was supposed to start recognizing that I was "delusional" - and of course I held to my story).

A couple of the staff as well as fellow patients told me I should just tell them what they want to hear (that I realized that I was delusional and that my parents and others weren't abusive and never committed any crimes) but I couldn't do that. I needed to stay true to myself. I felt that was all I had was my dignity and holding to my truth. And I eventually got out (although I had to see a judge and was put under a court order first) and got the diagnosis reversed by an impartial state psychiatrist who actually listened and talked to me.

Thank you all for your support and for reading. I have a couple of friends who know about all of this... but I also have had trouble writing and acknowledging this trauma and it feels good for me to be able to put it out there.

 

[Iam]

Hi again Julliete,

Take a look at the trauma diary section on the forum. Read the top sticky first as it explains how and why starting a diary here on the forum can be helpful. It's not an easy thing to do emotionally, but it is very therapeutic and I found that it really helped to put things into perspective as well as bring up some memories that I had completely suppressed.

So glad you're here!

Lauren

 

[jostle]

Hi Julliete,

I'm new to the forum too (just signed up today). I've also had some very bad experiences with the psych system here (New Zealand).

I spent ten years of my life working in mental health myself while struggling with undiagnosed PTSD (was only ever called depression). I eventually left those jobs as I began to realise I needed to focus on myself instead (I grew up with a narcisstic mother which meant I was raised to look after other people first).

Not long after my first ever hospitalisation (I was suicidal and basically they put me in hospital then neglected me for the whole month I was there) I became pregnant with my first son and despite having depression/disconnection for several months in the first year of his life I managed to access the psych system only in a limited way.

I had been in counselling for many years, and had so made so much progress, that last year I finished up just as I was pregnant with my second son. Unfortunately 6 weeks after the birth of my son I was forcibly hospitalised, or committed as they call it here, when I involved emergency psych services after my husband tried to assault me (I did not have the confidence to ring Women's Refuge - it was unthinkable for me).

For some reason, they took me off my antidepressants, sedated me, decided that my anxiety and disassociation were as a result of elevated mood (hypomania) and ultimately tried to take my baby away. He was given to my husband to look after and I was forced to stay in the hospital for a month while they treated me like I was mad and not to be listened to. The more I tried to talk to them the more they decided that I was elevated. It was a horrific experience, and I lost the chance to breast-feed my baby because by the time I got out of hospital my milk had dried up.

A year later I am just starting to come through a three month period of disconnection/disassociation as a result of the anniversary of that period. My husband and I managed to work things through and I got both the kids back under my care soon after leaving the hospital, but I am still very traumatized by the whole experience and now my general practitioner believes I must be bipolar and won't listen to me when I say that they misdiagnosed me. It is permanently written in my file even though I believe any behavior I have exhibited in the past still fits with my PTSD diagnosis.

The hardest thing for me is that I was just getting on top of all the bad experiences I had as a child as a sexual abuse victim in a dysfunctional family and now I have a whole new level to deal with.

Thank you for telling your story - it helps.

<Paragraph breaks inserted for readability by Amethist>

 

[Kb3]

Now my general practitioner believes I must be bipolar and won't listen to me when I say that they misdiagnosed me. It is permanently written in my file even though I believe any behaviour I have exhibited in the past still fits with my ptsd diagnosis. .

Dear Jostle, it was hard for me not to quote much more of your post here, but the sentence above resonates quite deeply with me. Please let me say how sorry I am for the way that you have been treated, it is dreadful.

I also struggle with being misdiagnosed and treated as bipolar when in fact I have PTSD from an abusive childhood and an accident. It is very unjust, and the way I have to deal with it currently is by just keeping my head down and remembering what my priorities are (my kids and marriage)and focussing on them. I have stopped arguing with people who aren't listening, and as long as they aren't insisting that I am overmedicated or are hurting me in any other way, I let them think whatever the f*ck they want. It actually doesn't matter.

My plan is to continue with trauma therapy (we are very, very lucky to be able to afford this) and progressively absent myself from the mainstream mental health system in the country that I live in. They may mean well, but they're not doing a good job, and I'm not going to keep giving them chances to hurt me.

I have been developing coping strategies and giving myself the time and space to take what I have been through seriously. It's not perfect, but it's all I can do, and so far it's been working.

Sometimes the best way to win a fight is to step away from it.

 

[Iloveart]

I most definitely agree with the immediate above comment! My husband told me the other day: "If you see it; you own it". My husband has been my only non-paid supportor for the last 25 years. My 3 now young adult children have truly been my life vest. I am now getting to enjoy my grand children. I believe medical professionals are taught to put their human side on the shelf. In doing so they become a robot. My husbands comment was really deep considering he is a man that does not enjoy random speaking. He has a job that requires him to work as a negotiator. When you "see" there is a problem it may become your weakness; if you choose to take it to heart. You would think that mental health professionals could see that there system is causing more trauma. I will share more later. Have an awesome day because you have friends that care!

 

[jostle]

Thank you Eat0429 for your kind words. It is so helpful to know there are other people who have had similar experiences. it is hard to not come through an experience like this with internalised stigma. I think I will in the longer term make a complaint or go through some kind of process to do with recognition of the harm done to me and my family (we have a governmental compensation authority here in my country) as it seems this is the only way I will ever feel like it has been partially put to bed. I have a friend who has taken her mental health community team to court (though the governmental compensation department) and it's been really interesting watching her do this. She is an extremely brave and courageous woman and I know she will help me if I ever decide to do something official about what happened to me.

Thanks Iloveart also for your words.

 

[Julliete]

Hi Jostle,

Thanks for sharing your story. It does help to hear that other people have felt similarly.

Thank you all for sharing your stories.