Hello Everyone

[Brandy0175]

My name is Brandy. I'm engaged to a medically retired Army Ranger. We are getting married on September 17th. Chris has severe ptsd, as well as a back injury and tbi. Over the past year he has steadily declined. Winter was terrible. He was in a wheelchair. Summer got better. Actually went pretty we compared to winter. We've been trying to find a doctor to help Chris with his back. He has a failed fusion and nerve compression in his spine. It's been hard to get help.
Over a week ago he had a nightmare and vaulted straight up in bed. Ever since his back and pelvis have started to really hurt again. Severely. When he hurts, he gets scary. He's depressed, very dark. Snappy and irritable. I've had two brain surgeries, and am no stranger to chronic pain. But Chris is a Ranger. He gets scary.

I am in a constant state of anxiety now. Terrified of going through what we did last winter. It is so hard on everyone. I have two kids. It's hard.

When Chris has his pain under control, he is the best. He treats us all so well.

And it's not like ha yells at us or hits us. He doesn't say the nicest things sometimes, but he is always good to us. I don't know how to explain why I feel so afraid. I'm dealing with this by myself. I have no one to talk to. Chris is very private and so I don't talk to my family about it much. The stress is getting to me. I don't know how much of my anxiety is just stress and how much is Chris's ptsd and injury and depression. I love him very much. I know he loves me and the kids. I want to help him. I just don't know how anymore. I need someone to talk to. I need help. I can't get him to go to the doctor. He just wants to be left alone. It's very hard when he's like this. Does anyone relate?

 

[Navy Spouse]

Brandy, I can relate to some of what you are saying. My husband returned home from Afganistan less than 2 months ago suffering from combat PTSD, so I am new to this. We have been married 17 years and have two girls ages 6 and 11. He moved out after being home 1 month because he said we shouldn't have to be around him when he's feeling the way he is. I try to view it that he must love us alot in order to try and protect us but it is very hard to have him away when he should be home with his family. He visits and we have a good time together, but it tears me apart when he leaves. We waited a year to be a family again and I never saw this coming. He's missed so much of his children lives already. I miss us, terribly. I feel I have no choice but to support him and hope that with counseling he will find his way back home. I get angry and that makes it hard to see his view some times. I never wanted to be a single mom and thats how I feel. Deployments are hard on the spouses also, just in a different way. The support for us isn't out there though. I know how you feel to be dealing with this by yourself. I to feel that way. He has his Navy buddies to talk to. I don't talk to family or friends much about it because I feel that if I opened up repeatedly to them about the way I'm feeling they would start to feel poorly of him. They don't have the understanding of what he's going through. So I usually just play the role of the supportive wife with them.

I don't know if you've read any books. The one I found most helpful was "Courage after fire". My husband read "Once a warrior, always a warrior" and thought it was a good book. We also read "After the war zone". They each encourage getting help. Maybe if your soon to be husband reads it, instead of hearing it from you he will go see the doctor. Write me any time. I don't know if I'll be alot of help, but its nice to have someone who can relate to what your feeling.

 

[Froggie]

Hello Brandy, I'm glad you found this forum to share your story. I see that already one member with similar situation has already replied. I've heard lots of good about the books Navy Spouse has suggested. There is a special section for supporters and good information in the wiki section. If ever Chris would be interested, he too can join the forum. We have some couples here on line which bring a great deal of insight to what is PTSD in everyday life. Will be looking forward to reading your posts.

 

[LAA]

Brandy,

I can relate. My husband is a medically retired police officer...same kind of back problems you described. He also has complex PTSD from trauma as a child and then again on police dept (shootings) and in Iraq. It took 3 1/2 years for him to finally get decent help. He is actually at a treatment center right now.

I understand the fear you have. D has never been violent with us either, it has been suicide attempts and self harm, but it is still scary. One, because it is almost worse to see the man you love hurting so much that he hurts himself to distract from the thoughts inside.

Two, you can't help but wonder if he could snap at some point and harm someone else. I never really worried about myself or the kids. I did worry about everyone else in society for awhile though.

I see a lot of PTSD in my job, especially military as we are near a base. It is so tragic when people are damaged doing their heroic jobs in the military, as police officers, firefighters, etc! Most people just don't understand it at all. It can be very hard to get the help if the sufferer is not on board and it acn be very hard for those of us drawn to those careers to seek help.

You need to take care of yourself and your kids, though. When I found myself being consumed by D's PTSD, I realized I needed to take care of me so I could stay sane enough to take care of the kids and be of use to D as a loving support (as opposed to a resentful one).

I really don't have any answers unfortunately, I wish I did. All I can offer is prayer, good thoughts and assurances that you are not alone. There are very knowledgable and caring people on this forum and tons of great information. I know it has really helped me through when things get dark.

LAA

 

[Brandy0175]

Thank you for all the responses. It's been so hard. Lots of time he blames me until he takes enough time to think about it. I do worry about other people. He is trained in several martial arts, marksmanship, demolition, and so much more. So he can be intimidating. He just gets unreasonable, and it's like he's a different person. It's so lonely. Right now is a bad time, and we're supposed to get married in a few weeks. I'm not enjoying this time. I'm spending it on eggshell. Scared, wondering if it's the right thing to do for us and my kids. Knowing if I put it off it he would see it as a personal attacks on him. And I would jeopardize everything. I feel overwhelmed, so sad, exhausted. And lonelier than I thought was possible.

 

[Navy Spouse]

Brandy, I wish I knew what to tell you. It's a terrible time for you, time you should be enjoying with the up coming wedding. I don't know what kind of wedding you have planned and how easy it would be for you to post pone but I really believe you should. Of course its easy for me to say. Maybe there is away to suggest it to him, maybe he's feeling the same way? Let him know its not a personal attack on him. You love him and support him, but feel you need to work on the relationship you have before you take the next step. I'm so sorry its such a lonely time for you, it should be the complete opposite. I really do believe you need to work on what you have first though, things will not change because of the wedding. How long have you been with him?