Hi everyone, I posted yesterday in an inner child thread as I just needed to communicate, but have realised this is where I should have formally introduced myself. Very glad I have found this forum, as I want to engage with folk in recovery and healing. Feeling quite isolated with the recovery, have had to let go of a lot of toxic and unreliable people and pretty much start my life anew, so I don't have very many people to engage with, and of those that I do, they have no idea how to engage with what I experience, and at 37 I'm very much done with superficial interactions.
I have an issue with the prefix: I would be classed as "sufferer" but I don't like the label, it feels like I am a victim with no agency if I label myself like that, and we're so much more than that. Just my personal take on it, I don't mean to cause offence by it. You could say I "suffer", I experience flash backs, sometimes I can't tell that I am in a safe place and think I am about to be attacked and die, I experience depression, fatigue. I accept that these are all on my table and are mine and mine only to resolve, and I've put skin in the game. I also have to believe that I will one day be healed by my own efforts. I ramble.
My name is Chris, British guy living in Scandinavia, co parent and work in web. I experienced an abusive childhood, lots of violence and dysfunction of the type that I'm sure many of you can understand. It left me as a wreck entering adulthood, though I have managed to do ok for myself considering where I have been in the past. I do inner child work with my therapist, a 75 year old American who has done the work and healed his own trauma. I had spent about 15 years seeking healing, and had gotten no where with the various therapies, meditations, gurus, you name it, I've probably tried it and got the receipts. I read a book by my T, and realised it was the sum total of everything I had intellectually understood and attempted to practice, and then some so I sought him out and we're 4 years into the process.
It's the hardest work I've ever done, and continues to be. So much grief and pain, and constantly having tenets of your self-perception and belief system blown out of the water. I have made progress, I am a solid man who can support and nurture my young child, but I pretty much exist rather than live. I've been robbed of so many opportunities that other's take for granted due to this trauma, haven't been able to really offer my gifts to the world or pursue my dreams, and while I'm now in a position to continue progress, it makes me so sad that so many beautiful people have been robbed of a life because of this.
I work a four day week to preserve energy for me and my daughter as I am exhausted most of the time. I may take sick leave soon as I just about keep my head above water.
I'm quite isolated here in Scandinavia, I don't really dig the culture or get out much, but then again, I guess that's a perfect set of circumstances as my recovery and child are my only priority, and Scnadinavia is great for parents and kids, and it wouldn't really matter where I lived as I would still feel the same, so I am glad I have found this forum. I just can't do inane small talk, when I've been through hell. Well, I can, but with the right people. It has stopped surprising me how unwilling people are to engage with someone who is in pain, though I have been surprised by the people who do show up. All those who haven't had it easy, that are in my life, are the ones I can talk to. But I rarely see them, months will pass. Those who haven't dealt with their pain, or sweep under the rug using the external affirmations: job, holiday, car, big TV, fashion, status, etc are the ones who left my life when I started to communicate the pain I was in. They were never really there for me in the first place. But that's ok. The test is to find that source of love and security within myself, to heal the parts of myself in pain and not rely on any external source. Which is the way it is as I don't have any family or close friends anymore, and no one else can do the work for you anyway, but I would like to be heard by someone, its why I'm writing such a long intro.
I have some solid "wins" with the recovery, I managed to extricate from the dysfunction that is my family. Both parents were toxic and violent, and as is often the case, both deny all of it. I let them go a while ago, cut them out of my life, but my mother phoned a few months back and I used it as a test to gauge where I was at. A bit risky, but I was able to see how toxic she was, and own none of the character assassinations she throws my way since day one. She is truly messed up, paranoid, vindictive. I know she is not healed, nor will she take responsibility for her healing, neither of them will, and I have processed a lot of the pain and hatred by grieving the parents and childhood, and love I never had. But I do have large reservoirs of sadness, and believe I am unlovable. I also constantly alert for the threat of violence, physical and verbal, even though I am safe and a fairly big guy. The tough part of this is allowing yourself to be vulnerable to allow yourself to see that these defences and maintenance are no longer necessary. But these are all I have had to survive. I think I am going to die when I let them rest for a bit, so it feels like a catch22.
My issue right now is that in the inner child process, you parent your child and provide the love and security for them that they need to heal and grow. But a stumbling block to my progress is that I have no reference for that, and my T and I have identified that my healing is still a long journey because of this lack of reference. I do it for my own child, but that's because she is an angel. I don't realise that I deserve that too. My motivation is my daughter, as when I get into my pain, I feel unworthy and useless, so I do it for her until I value myself enough to do it for me.
I am writing here as I am not taking good care of myself, and this is a positive action to do and reboot my process. After I write this, I will go and sit with my Inner child and stay there until I get the insight I need to reboot my committment. I don't know if there is a creator, but I find that the intention of asking for whatever it is I need to move on is always illuminated, the insight I need, or perspective to continue the process, always comes. You could call it prayer, or a call and response to the self, who knows, but I'll take anything I can get at the moment.
I have faith in the process I am using, there is a large spiritual component to it, but as I don't see any forums or threads devoted to that aspect at myptsd, I shall keep that to a minimum, it's not actually necessary to bring up, but if anyone does want to, I'm always up for conversations on topics such as shamanism, consiousness, Jung, Hero's journey and myth, I'm well stepped in that stuff. But I'm a survivor of child abuse, and I don't make any great claims, I'm here to talk to others who have experienced trauma, make a good contribution to the forum and receive, and hopefully make some real connections.
Thanks for reading, I look forward to hearing from you and engaging with the people here, thanks
Chris
I have an issue with the prefix: I would be classed as "sufferer" but I don't like the label, it feels like I am a victim with no agency if I label myself like that, and we're so much more than that. Just my personal take on it, I don't mean to cause offence by it. You could say I "suffer", I experience flash backs, sometimes I can't tell that I am in a safe place and think I am about to be attacked and die, I experience depression, fatigue. I accept that these are all on my table and are mine and mine only to resolve, and I've put skin in the game. I also have to believe that I will one day be healed by my own efforts. I ramble.
My name is Chris, British guy living in Scandinavia, co parent and work in web. I experienced an abusive childhood, lots of violence and dysfunction of the type that I'm sure many of you can understand. It left me as a wreck entering adulthood, though I have managed to do ok for myself considering where I have been in the past. I do inner child work with my therapist, a 75 year old American who has done the work and healed his own trauma. I had spent about 15 years seeking healing, and had gotten no where with the various therapies, meditations, gurus, you name it, I've probably tried it and got the receipts. I read a book by my T, and realised it was the sum total of everything I had intellectually understood and attempted to practice, and then some so I sought him out and we're 4 years into the process.
It's the hardest work I've ever done, and continues to be. So much grief and pain, and constantly having tenets of your self-perception and belief system blown out of the water. I have made progress, I am a solid man who can support and nurture my young child, but I pretty much exist rather than live. I've been robbed of so many opportunities that other's take for granted due to this trauma, haven't been able to really offer my gifts to the world or pursue my dreams, and while I'm now in a position to continue progress, it makes me so sad that so many beautiful people have been robbed of a life because of this.
I work a four day week to preserve energy for me and my daughter as I am exhausted most of the time. I may take sick leave soon as I just about keep my head above water.
I'm quite isolated here in Scandinavia, I don't really dig the culture or get out much, but then again, I guess that's a perfect set of circumstances as my recovery and child are my only priority, and Scnadinavia is great for parents and kids, and it wouldn't really matter where I lived as I would still feel the same, so I am glad I have found this forum. I just can't do inane small talk, when I've been through hell. Well, I can, but with the right people. It has stopped surprising me how unwilling people are to engage with someone who is in pain, though I have been surprised by the people who do show up. All those who haven't had it easy, that are in my life, are the ones I can talk to. But I rarely see them, months will pass. Those who haven't dealt with their pain, or sweep under the rug using the external affirmations: job, holiday, car, big TV, fashion, status, etc are the ones who left my life when I started to communicate the pain I was in. They were never really there for me in the first place. But that's ok. The test is to find that source of love and security within myself, to heal the parts of myself in pain and not rely on any external source. Which is the way it is as I don't have any family or close friends anymore, and no one else can do the work for you anyway, but I would like to be heard by someone, its why I'm writing such a long intro.
I have some solid "wins" with the recovery, I managed to extricate from the dysfunction that is my family. Both parents were toxic and violent, and as is often the case, both deny all of it. I let them go a while ago, cut them out of my life, but my mother phoned a few months back and I used it as a test to gauge where I was at. A bit risky, but I was able to see how toxic she was, and own none of the character assassinations she throws my way since day one. She is truly messed up, paranoid, vindictive. I know she is not healed, nor will she take responsibility for her healing, neither of them will, and I have processed a lot of the pain and hatred by grieving the parents and childhood, and love I never had. But I do have large reservoirs of sadness, and believe I am unlovable. I also constantly alert for the threat of violence, physical and verbal, even though I am safe and a fairly big guy. The tough part of this is allowing yourself to be vulnerable to allow yourself to see that these defences and maintenance are no longer necessary. But these are all I have had to survive. I think I am going to die when I let them rest for a bit, so it feels like a catch22.
My issue right now is that in the inner child process, you parent your child and provide the love and security for them that they need to heal and grow. But a stumbling block to my progress is that I have no reference for that, and my T and I have identified that my healing is still a long journey because of this lack of reference. I do it for my own child, but that's because she is an angel. I don't realise that I deserve that too. My motivation is my daughter, as when I get into my pain, I feel unworthy and useless, so I do it for her until I value myself enough to do it for me.
I am writing here as I am not taking good care of myself, and this is a positive action to do and reboot my process. After I write this, I will go and sit with my Inner child and stay there until I get the insight I need to reboot my committment. I don't know if there is a creator, but I find that the intention of asking for whatever it is I need to move on is always illuminated, the insight I need, or perspective to continue the process, always comes. You could call it prayer, or a call and response to the self, who knows, but I'll take anything I can get at the moment.
I have faith in the process I am using, there is a large spiritual component to it, but as I don't see any forums or threads devoted to that aspect at myptsd, I shall keep that to a minimum, it's not actually necessary to bring up, but if anyone does want to, I'm always up for conversations on topics such as shamanism, consiousness, Jung, Hero's journey and myth, I'm well stepped in that stuff. But I'm a survivor of child abuse, and I don't make any great claims, I'm here to talk to others who have experienced trauma, make a good contribution to the forum and receive, and hopefully make some real connections.
Thanks for reading, I look forward to hearing from you and engaging with the people here, thanks
Chris
