Hello all, so after recently being diagnosed with PTSD that manifests itself in the form of acute agoraphobia. I have to admit to a vast amount of ignorance on my part about this condition. I've never been in the military, my condition is based on abandonment issues forced on me by my mother, and my resulting experiences in the foster care system within my state starting at age 2.
People have frequently told me that people are "basically good", an assertion that I've never seen proven in my personal life experiences. My experiences have shown me that people are basically "neutral", and that only a few people are an anomaly that result in people being realistically labeled "good or bad".
Here is my story;
When I was 15 I met my biological father for the first time that I can remember in my life. From age 2 until age 12 my biological mother would occasionally visit me in my foster home (once a year). During these visits she'd tell me all this horrible things about my biological father. Things like "he uses drugs", and "he's in a rock band" and "he used to beat me all the time". Things I would later find out (from her own brothers and mother) that were all lies. I saw my mother for the last time when I was 12. In fact now that I am 33 I am convinced that nothing she ever said to me was true. (Apparently she has schizo-effective disorder). One of the biggest accusations she made against my biological father was that he sexually molested us (me and my brother). She had him legally declared an unfit parent although no charges of wrong-doing were ever proven and my father never spent a single day in jail from her resulting accusations. In an argument with my foster mother when I was around 13 or 14 my (biological) brother accused her (my foster mother) of "taking us away from our mother".
Our foster mother was so distraught with this accusation she raced over to her filing cabinet and produced a document with DSHS letterhead in which our biological mother was quoted as saying to the DSHS interviewer "Take my kids, or I will kill them". Everything suddenly made sense to me personally. Why our foster mom always asked us if we "felt safe" with our biological mother every time we returned from a yearly visit. My brother was still dubious about the truth of that document, and on a visit to our Grandmother's/uncles house (from our biological mothers side) he was telling our uncles some of the things that our mother had told us about our father. Our uncle's corrected my brother saying "that's nothing like your real father". He told us what he witnessed in the interactions between his sister (my mother) and our father. He told us how our father actually was afraid of our mother, how he would turn to the side to avoid be knee'd in the testicles when they were arguing. His biggest proof was this, he said "think about it, your mom was the only girl in our family. Do you really think that me and my brothers would allow your father to abuse her?" He talked about two of his brothers, one who had been a marine, and the other who was a navel intelligence officer. "We could've and would've kicked his @ss at any time if we honestly believed that", he stated matter-of-factually. Then he went on to explain how our mother was "sick" and that it ran in the family, and that we needed to be careful of our own mental health status.
So after that our Uncle tracked down our biological father and we eventually met. I must admit I was extremely suspicious of him and couldn't completely shake all the lies my mother taught me about him when I was growing up. But after some 15+ years of knowing the man, I am absolutely convinced that all her accusations are baseless and derived from the delusions resulting from her "sickness". So I began to ride the bus between Seattle (where my dad lived) to Federal Way (where my foster home was) when I was around 16-17 years old on the weekends, staying from Friday night until Sunday night.
One Sunday night I left my dad's place later then I should have. My usual bus was no longer running, so I had to catch a different bus in downtown sometime between 10-11pm at night. As typical with Seattle weather it was raining that night, but the bus stop I was waiting at still had lots of people milling around because this was a major bus hub for south-bound bus routes, especially for that time of night. I wasn't really feeling worried on account of the fact so many people were standing around (I would estimate between 25-35 people). So I didn't think anything of it when I reached into the inner breast pocket of my jacket to take out my book of bus tickets. I tore one off and was placing the book back into the same pocket when somebody approached me and said "hey, give me one of those tickets". I looked up and this guy was standing in front of me, with two friends to his left and his right, I turned and looked behind me and two more of his friends were standing there, all of them were staring at me. My initial reaction was to reach into my pocket and oblige his request. But something snapped inside of me. HOW DARE THESE PEOPLE MAKE DEMANDS OF ME!. So I said quietly "no" as I removed my hand from my pocket. He said "what did you say!" a little louder then his initial request. I looked straight in his eye's and said clearly, loudly and forcefully "NO!". I looked around watching all the people around us, staring blankly at the scene of us like a bunch of gape-mouthed monkeys. The guy then asks me "what would you do if I just took them from you". What I believed was going to happen suddenly flashed through my brain, I was going to punch the guy in front of me with one good shot containing everything I had, then his friends were going to jump me, beat me up then rob me (I've never been trained in self-defense). But I was wrong. I screamed so loud that my words bounced off the windows of the tall buildings around the street we were standing on, creating an echo that I am sure carried for several blocks. "I'LL BREAK YOUR F***ING NOSE" then I took about two or three quick stutter steps towards the guy who had done all the talking, attempting to get into striking distance my fist cocked back and ready to be unloaded. He jumped backwards and started running away along with his two friends. Then I wheeled around remembering his two friends that were behind me, not wanting to be blindsided. They ran around me giving me a wide birth, heading towards their fleeing friends. All of whom jumped on a bus on the next block. I had a huge adrenalin rush, and I was attempting to cool off by smoking a cigarette.
While I was smoking many of the people that sat back and watched the spectacle as it unfolded started gathering around my like I was some kind of hero. These people really pissed me off. I became angry with all of them. These supposed "Good people of Seattle" were all willing to sit back and watch a helpless person get jumped without so much as protesting or saying "Hey, leave that guy alone". I realized that I was NOT safe in public, there was no safety in the crowd, because people don't care. The default position of human beings is "Apathy". Since then I can't stand being in a crowd. I cannot stand to be in any crowded areas. I have a deep distrust of all groups of people and its ruining my life. I have since started therapy and my therapist suggested that maybe a therapy dog would be beneficial for me. But upon researching the situation, all the trained service dogs in my state are reserved for former military personnel (whom I agree are far more deserving then I). But because I am also poor it seems very unlikely I will be able to get one. I am frustrated and beginning to lose hope that I will ever be able function with any degree of normality.
People have frequently told me that people are "basically good", an assertion that I've never seen proven in my personal life experiences. My experiences have shown me that people are basically "neutral", and that only a few people are an anomaly that result in people being realistically labeled "good or bad".
Here is my story;
When I was 15 I met my biological father for the first time that I can remember in my life. From age 2 until age 12 my biological mother would occasionally visit me in my foster home (once a year). During these visits she'd tell me all this horrible things about my biological father. Things like "he uses drugs", and "he's in a rock band" and "he used to beat me all the time". Things I would later find out (from her own brothers and mother) that were all lies. I saw my mother for the last time when I was 12. In fact now that I am 33 I am convinced that nothing she ever said to me was true. (Apparently she has schizo-effective disorder). One of the biggest accusations she made against my biological father was that he sexually molested us (me and my brother). She had him legally declared an unfit parent although no charges of wrong-doing were ever proven and my father never spent a single day in jail from her resulting accusations. In an argument with my foster mother when I was around 13 or 14 my (biological) brother accused her (my foster mother) of "taking us away from our mother".
Our foster mother was so distraught with this accusation she raced over to her filing cabinet and produced a document with DSHS letterhead in which our biological mother was quoted as saying to the DSHS interviewer "Take my kids, or I will kill them". Everything suddenly made sense to me personally. Why our foster mom always asked us if we "felt safe" with our biological mother every time we returned from a yearly visit. My brother was still dubious about the truth of that document, and on a visit to our Grandmother's/uncles house (from our biological mothers side) he was telling our uncles some of the things that our mother had told us about our father. Our uncle's corrected my brother saying "that's nothing like your real father". He told us what he witnessed in the interactions between his sister (my mother) and our father. He told us how our father actually was afraid of our mother, how he would turn to the side to avoid be knee'd in the testicles when they were arguing. His biggest proof was this, he said "think about it, your mom was the only girl in our family. Do you really think that me and my brothers would allow your father to abuse her?" He talked about two of his brothers, one who had been a marine, and the other who was a navel intelligence officer. "We could've and would've kicked his @ss at any time if we honestly believed that", he stated matter-of-factually. Then he went on to explain how our mother was "sick" and that it ran in the family, and that we needed to be careful of our own mental health status.
So after that our Uncle tracked down our biological father and we eventually met. I must admit I was extremely suspicious of him and couldn't completely shake all the lies my mother taught me about him when I was growing up. But after some 15+ years of knowing the man, I am absolutely convinced that all her accusations are baseless and derived from the delusions resulting from her "sickness". So I began to ride the bus between Seattle (where my dad lived) to Federal Way (where my foster home was) when I was around 16-17 years old on the weekends, staying from Friday night until Sunday night.
One Sunday night I left my dad's place later then I should have. My usual bus was no longer running, so I had to catch a different bus in downtown sometime between 10-11pm at night. As typical with Seattle weather it was raining that night, but the bus stop I was waiting at still had lots of people milling around because this was a major bus hub for south-bound bus routes, especially for that time of night. I wasn't really feeling worried on account of the fact so many people were standing around (I would estimate between 25-35 people). So I didn't think anything of it when I reached into the inner breast pocket of my jacket to take out my book of bus tickets. I tore one off and was placing the book back into the same pocket when somebody approached me and said "hey, give me one of those tickets". I looked up and this guy was standing in front of me, with two friends to his left and his right, I turned and looked behind me and two more of his friends were standing there, all of them were staring at me. My initial reaction was to reach into my pocket and oblige his request. But something snapped inside of me. HOW DARE THESE PEOPLE MAKE DEMANDS OF ME!. So I said quietly "no" as I removed my hand from my pocket. He said "what did you say!" a little louder then his initial request. I looked straight in his eye's and said clearly, loudly and forcefully "NO!". I looked around watching all the people around us, staring blankly at the scene of us like a bunch of gape-mouthed monkeys. The guy then asks me "what would you do if I just took them from you". What I believed was going to happen suddenly flashed through my brain, I was going to punch the guy in front of me with one good shot containing everything I had, then his friends were going to jump me, beat me up then rob me (I've never been trained in self-defense). But I was wrong. I screamed so loud that my words bounced off the windows of the tall buildings around the street we were standing on, creating an echo that I am sure carried for several blocks. "I'LL BREAK YOUR F***ING NOSE" then I took about two or three quick stutter steps towards the guy who had done all the talking, attempting to get into striking distance my fist cocked back and ready to be unloaded. He jumped backwards and started running away along with his two friends. Then I wheeled around remembering his two friends that were behind me, not wanting to be blindsided. They ran around me giving me a wide birth, heading towards their fleeing friends. All of whom jumped on a bus on the next block. I had a huge adrenalin rush, and I was attempting to cool off by smoking a cigarette.
While I was smoking many of the people that sat back and watched the spectacle as it unfolded started gathering around my like I was some kind of hero. These people really pissed me off. I became angry with all of them. These supposed "Good people of Seattle" were all willing to sit back and watch a helpless person get jumped without so much as protesting or saying "Hey, leave that guy alone". I realized that I was NOT safe in public, there was no safety in the crowd, because people don't care. The default position of human beings is "Apathy". Since then I can't stand being in a crowd. I cannot stand to be in any crowded areas. I have a deep distrust of all groups of people and its ruining my life. I have since started therapy and my therapist suggested that maybe a therapy dog would be beneficial for me. But upon researching the situation, all the trained service dogs in my state are reserved for former military personnel (whom I agree are far more deserving then I). But because I am also poor it seems very unlikely I will be able to get one. I am frustrated and beginning to lose hope that I will ever be able function with any degree of normality.
