Supporter Hello, My Name Is James And My Girlfriend Has Ptsd

[JamesAS]

Hi there.

My name is James, I have been with my girlfriend about 6 months. I'm 27 and she's 29 and she told me straight away at the start of our relationship that she suffers from PTSD due to being raped by her first boyfriend that she met when she was 15.

He also beat her and forced her to have his child and while that relationship has been over for 12 years (her daughter is now 12), she still suffers from anxiety, depression, flashbacks, nightmares and all sorts of other symptoms. The worst thing is the crippling guilt she feels at letting her daughter live with her mum (who is also abusive and nasty) due to her daughter being a constant reminder of what happened to her.

I have Aspergers syndrome which means I can get very frustrated in certain situations, usually nothing to do with her, I have a stressful job. She picks up on my frustration and stress and she feels like she has to walk on eggshells around me and can't be herself. When we have rows they can get very heated too as I struggle to communicate sometimes and she can panic and think I'm her abusive ex and say things that don't apply to our current situation, even calling me his name sometimes in arguments.

Does anyone have any first hand experience about Aspergers Syndrome/ PTSD pairings? Because I'm serious about this girl even though we haven't been together that long and I want to get into good behavioural and communicational habits early that will allow us to be happy together for a long time.

Any help is massively appreciated,
Sincerely James

 

[Lucycat]

Good luck!
Sorry that was not fair. I have a nephew diagnosed with ASD but since then have realised that I am pretty close to the mark also.

I find it so hard to work out what people really mean when they say something. I appreciateyour concerns and hope you find help here. Good luck and best wishes. Lucy x

 

[verasdfghjkl]

My brother has Asperger, so what I know from him is that it's difficult for people with Asperger to imagine being in the other person's shoes. But I do think this is key to the type of communication you are looking for. And if you really don't feel like you are in a mood where you can think straight from frustration, let her know that you need your space for a few hours or something. And maybe it's nice to have a conversation with her about this, and ask her what she needs from you in this particular situation and communication, and you can tell her what you need from her. But above all, when you say you're serious about her, your intentions are good and I think that is the first step to getting into a comfortable way of talking to each other. The best of luck and happiness.

 

[JamesAS]

Our main problem is that when I ask for a few hours or days space, she feels like I'm rejecting her because the traumatic events have left her hating herself and feeling worthless. She's always telling me I'm going to "leave her just like everyone else in her life has". But I have no intention of going anywhere.

Is there a way of getting a little time to myself so that when we see eachother the quality of our communication might be improved without making her feel like I'm having second thoughts about the relationship? As you can imagine, trust is very difficult for her.

 

[digger]

Is she in therapy? Would you consider couples therapy to help you both understand each other's issues and needs more?

 

[JamesAS]

She was for years. She wants to go again and I fully encourage her to. I would go to couples therapy with her, thanks for the advice. I will ask her if it's something she feels would be worthwhile for us :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Uhm, I just want to say that such a coupling CAN work. My best friend has PTSD and her partner has aspergers. I don't really have any other advice, but I hope this gives you a bit of optimism that these two disorders need not be at constant odds. Oh, yes, they are sickeningly perfect for one another, lol.

 

[JamesAS]

That's really lovely to know. Thank you Solara. Both of us are happier in this relationship than with the "normal" people we were with the year before we met eachother. Possibly we are better at understanding eachother because we know how hard it is to see life a little differently than other people and struggle to fit in sometimes due to our respective eccentricities.

Edit - Normal is in inverted commas because I don't think there is such a thing

 

[verasdfghjkl]

@JamesAS

And if you really don't feel like you are in a mood where you can think straight from frustration, let her know that you need your space for a few hours or something

I mean can't, of course. If you can't think straight from frustration.

Our main problem is that when I ask for a few hours or days space, she feels like I'm rejecting her because the traumatic events have left her hating herself and feeling worthless. She's always telling me I'm going to "leave her just like everyone else in her life has". But I have no intention of going anywhere.

Yes, to be honest with you: I am not even capable of having a relationship with anyone because of my trust issues and PTSD. So you do have this one going for you :)

Is there a way of getting a little time to myself so that when we see eachother the quality of our communication might be improved without making her feel like I'm having second thoughts about the relationship? As you can imagine, trust is very difficult for her.

I think that you really need to sit down with each other and tell how both of your conditions work. What are the difficulties, and what do you both need to pay attention to. If you say trust is an issue for her, and she's constantly afraid you'll leave her, you need to reassure her you're not going anywhere. I'd say: have this conversation, and say that you want to have it, because you're serious about her. Also, explain why you'll need your space and time outs every now and then, and that it has nothing to do with her, but with your condition. If you talk about this before things slip out of control instead of saying in a fight or in a situation with mutual frustration that 'you need your space', because then it's too late and she will se that as a threat that you're ready too leave her anytime. Have this conversation when you're both calm and willing to work on this. You need to set some rules or guidelines, at least some insight from each other's situation so that when it does go out of control, you can say you need your space, but she's fully sure of your intentions.

I don't think that just having time to yourself will help. It will only postpone the issues you have. Have this conversation, you need to understand each other so that you can live with each other and be considerate to each other. Then nothing should stand in the way :)

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I agree with the others. Communication is key; talk and explain a little too often rather than not often enough.

By the way: I highly respect you for the way you are treating your girlfriend and fighting for your relationship. Especially taking into account that you are already dealing with plenty of difficulties of your own, like Asperger's and the stressful job.

Welcome to the forum :)

 

[JamesAS]

Thank you everyone :) - Keep the advice flowing. It's all been really helpful

 

[KP the nut]

My best friend has PTSD and her partner has aspergers.

Agreed. Same here. My friend has PTSD, her partner and her children are aspergic. Not easy but doable.