Undiagnosed Hello New To Myptsd Let Me Introduce Myself

[4EvaPurpleSam]

Hello I am Sam I am 20 soon to be 21 in September. Accidentally put October on here dont know what went wrong. Proud mama of 2 beautiful girls. Sadly only one living child.

Dont ask me how I survive I honestly dont know myself. I just do. The days are harder and longer. The nights are full of terrors and yet somehow I am still here.

Be it a miracle, devine intervention, my own strength or just meant to be. I am here.

Might not always want to be but I am.

I suffer with anxiety and depression that much is clear plainly obvious too. Though a friend thinks I have PTSD and Insomnia.

I'm not sure myself all I know is I rarely sleep at night due to brain working overtime or fear of flash backs and horrific nightmares.

But when I can sleep and I dont wake from nightmares or flashblacks then hardly anyone can wake me.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

Welcome to the forum.

:hug:

 

[4EvaPurpleSam]

:hug:

Welcome to the forum.

:hug:

Thank you

 

[BlueOrange]

Very sad that one of your children has died :(

Flashbacks and nightmares are symptoms that tend to be there when someone has PTSD, so your friend's concern seems legitimate. You haven't mentioned seeing a therapist, so it's time we started saying things like "Therapists are really important and useful if you have PTSD, and they're also really important and useful if you have something that looks like PTSD and turns out to be something else."

Regardless of your diagnosis, it's clear that you've had a rough ride, and that you're suffering. That sucks. However, you're here now, and there are loads of people who want to help you, so hopefully that'll help.

 

[4EvaPurpleSam]

Thank you for your warm welcome. I have seen therapists in the past never found one I clicked with though. Been to a support group in a place called Mind but when that was stopped it switch to 1-2-1's. Which was fine until they got far too popular and it was rare when I catch them when they were free so I could book an appointment. So I gave up.

My flashbacks & nightmares mainly feature the event with my eldest who passed away and my mother who also passed away months after my daughter. My daughter only live for 5 mins and I had to watch her pass cos she was far too early she was refused help.

I was my mother's carer for many years helped raise my sisters. Her death hit me far worse than expected. After she passed we were allowed to see her. My younger sister was able to stay in the room with her to say good bye. I hastly retreated and went outside for fresh air which resulted in a huge panic attack.

I have not been the same since any of those events. Been trying to get back to semi normal and have failed so many times.

 

[UniqueSunflower]

Welcome to the forum,
The symptoms you are experiencing are completely normal considering all you've been through. I can't even imagine losing a new baby and your mom in such a close time period. There is lots of support within this forum although I wouldn't give up on trying to find a good match for therapy. When we are really overwhelmed, it's hard to find the energy to seek out someone we click with though it's important and very well worth it - keep connected as much as you can.

 

[4EvaPurpleSam]

Welcome to the forum,
The symptoms you are experiencing are completely normal considering all...

Is it also normal to wake from one of those nightmares and to see my mother holding my daughter.? I turn the light on and their gone. Freaks me out this has happened 3 times. Other times I have heard my mother calling my name clear as day. When I have been home alone or my partner been right next to me while watching a film and he hears nothing. I've stopped asking if he heard that cos I just sound crazy.

 

[UniqueSunflower]

I don't think it's crazy at all. Your brain's trying to make sense of a tremendous loss of something both emotionally and rationally. Your perception of what you knew to be concrete in your life is drastically different now. Once you are ready and able to process the trauma, those experiences may also lessen.

 

[4EvaPurpleSam]

I don't think it's crazy at all. Your brain's trying to make sense of a tremendous loss of som...

My daughter would be three now. My mum would be 42. My daughter passed on July 4th 2013 and my mother January 29th 2014. Dont think it will ever get easier to be honest. I have had the nightmares since the first night I lost my little girl. Now I have her sister and the nightmares shift from what feels like I am reliving the experience to a completely new nightmare where someone takes my only living child and I am powerless to do anything.

If it wasnt for my only living daughter and my partner I think I would genuinely be in a mental institution by now. Cos with the way my mind is if I didnt have two very special people to live for they may have well set up a permanent room for me.

 

[BlueOrange]

I tend to find that my nightmares get worse for about a week before something shifts in me and I start feeling better. There's some evidence that dreaming is the brain cleaning up old memories - deleting stuff to make room for new stuff. Nightmares are therefore when the brain tries to delete really poisonous horrible stuff. I don't know of any rigorous studies; I do know that when I started believing what I just said, that my nightmares weren't as distressing for me as they were before that point.