Sufferer Hello, recently confronted childhood abuser

[DharmaGirl]

Hi, and welcome. If I missed this before I'm going to say it again. Your mother doesn't get to tell you not to tell. It didn't happen to her, she can't decided who to tell and who not to tell. That is your choice.

 

[Daydreamer]

Hi @DharmaGirl, thank you for the welcome and the reply. It's the stuff I know logically but my emotions are not there yet.
It's hard to face that in a situation like this there is no solution that would make everyone happy.

 

[littleoc]

Hi @DharmaGirl, thank you for the welcome and the reply. It's the stuff I know lo...

I completely feel that.. I recently had that "snap" to the "wait, I've been thinking this all wrong" feeling about a week ago or so -- thanks to this site for letting me talk about MY feelings and emotions. I've learned that having empathy is a good thing and is recognized -- at the same time as knowing that it's okay to push people sweat until I KNOW they won't be dangerous to me.

It says so much about you that you were willing to confront it head on like that too -- saying it directly to your father and your mother. So I think you'll get to that point soon enough, even if it's a difficult path :)

 

[Daydreamer]

I completely feel that.. I recently had that "snap" to the "wait, I've been thinking this all wrong" f...

I've been browsing through forums few days ago and I came across the discussion about if abuse is ever black or white. In my case it's just not like it. The aftermath of the abuse is also not.
And it's so, so difficult to exist in that grey area.

Thanks for the compliment, it was a big deal and it threw my world upside down. Before that I was acting as if nothing had happened and didn' even really let myself think about.
But if I come off as strong here it's not the whole story. The reason I spoke up about it was not my decision. My father provoked me with one too many critical comments, the fight escalated and it happened. I didn' plan it, I wasn' prepared. I was chaotic, emotional. It was the first time I ever spoke about. I ended up apologizing for telling the truth.

But I'll keep working on myself.

 

[littleoc]

I've been browsing through forums few days ago and I came across the discussion about if abuse is ev...

Even so, I still think it was strong. Maybe not the healthiest way, though neither was getting criticized, but you said it. Don't minimalize that -- that's not a small thing at all, even if you did try to apologize afterward.

Plus, you came to this site and told us about it! :) That's strong (and healthy)

 

[Lesza]

Hello! It is a very supportive community indeed. A lot of people with such kind hearts, despite their own injuries – it feels like a blessing, being here and interacting.

The very emotional and spontaneous confrontation reminds me of something from my experience. When, in a moment of feeling that I couldn’t bear it anymore, I told my parents about years of molesting ‘crowned’ with a rape attempt of my brother-in-law when I was a teenager. They told my sister, and I was forced to confront with all of them, because my sis kept asking me why I was lying like that. I felt so low like never. I was told by my brother-in-law nobody believes me so I should keep quiet about that but once I revealed it, I was in a trap. I will remember that day till the end of my life. No way to escape. In the moment of my greatest torture I shouted to him “do you love me as you told me back then or not, do you still want run away with me or not?!” and he didn’t answer, just left the room and I was allowed to go crying in solitude after that. Meeting over. Nobody talks about it.

However, I can’t imagine how painful your journey has been. Regarding that confrontation of mine, it ended up with a shitty relationship only with my brother-in-law (even if we pose as we have a normal relationship, but he tells me from time to time what exactly he thinks about me, it was especially heated when I decided to leave my country to live with another man – so happy I am finally free of him), you have to endure that shit with all your family. But here you can write with people, release a bit of your daily stress. May you heal, even if only a little, as your words flow.

 

[Daydreamer]

Hi Lesza it's nice to hear from you.
I'm sorry for what you went through with your sister and what her husband did.

Families are complicated.
My father also told me he's doing it because he loves me, that he would marry me if he were younger. I was in my early teens.
Do they mean that? Is that love?

Thank you for response and wishes and I also wish you healing and relief.

 

[Justmehere]

My father also told me he's doing it because he loves me, that he would marry me if he were younger. I was in my early teens.
Do they mean that? Is that love?

Yeah, he probably did mean it.

And no, it’s not love to sexually assault your daughter.

I struggle with figuring out what was and is now love in my own life. Let’s say that my abuser as a kid probably did love me. That doesn’t nullify the abuse, nor does it make the abuse part of the love. And no amount of love gives anyone a free pass to be abusive.

 

[littleoc]

Yeah, he probably did mean it.

And no, it’s not love to sexually assault your daughter.

I stru...

I think a lot of us needed to hear that