Sufferer Hello, Sufferer Of Domestic Violence For Over 45 Years

[DebbiePooh57]

Hi there. I'm Debbie, but most call me Pooh. I have been in and out of domestic violent relationships that I am finding out all stemmed from abuse from my mother and neglect from my father since I was under the age of 10. Now that I know that my childhood has and is still ruining my adult life, I want to address this matter and fix the rest of my life.

My mother tried to kill me, she molested me (all under the influence of alcohol), I was raped on the way to school when I was 15, forced to watch porn by my first husband and was raped by my second husband and I lived through all 5 of his affairs, and now the man that I am in a relationship with, I think I truly love him, is very mean, rude and verbally abusive. I want to learn how to stand up for myself and stop this. I want to learn how to fight for myself instead of people making me and telling me what I need to do or not to do. Is this even possible???

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi Poo and welcome to the forum. Are you seeing a therapist? I think that would be very helpful in getting your life back. I am sad about what you suffered and endured all those years. There are alot of people here who will understand. I have been helped alot being here. I hope you like it. It is nice to meet you.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Debbie,

This is a wonderful site for helping people deal with PTSD, through information, discussion and support. It is very common for child abuse victims to go on and repeat the abuse cycle in their relationships. You will find as you read that many of us have done this same thing.

Gizmo is right about therapy as it teaches us to break the cycle. You are a valuable person who should be treated with love, consideration, and respect. I hope that you find the tools to help you learn to be good to yourself.

Take care.
Debbie

 

[anthony]

Hey Pooh... welcome to the forum. It really just never ceases to amaze me the stupid shit people do to one another, especially parents to their kids. Glad that you are finding help here and plenty of support exists.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

I am sorry for all that you are going through and have been through. There is a very supportive community of people here with lots of good advice and tips on PTSD management and getting back your life.

Wish you the best.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi Pooh and welcome.

I hope you will find the forum as invaluable as I have for information, support and friendship.

 

[DebbiePooh57]

Thank you all for the words of encouragement and welcome. I think I am looking forward to opening my can of worms. Yesterday I decided that starting a journal might help me, now I believe I may have started it too soon? The nightmares started again last night.

Question? How does one go about telling their partner about this new journey in life? I am so afraid of being rejected in this relationship because on how much my childhood has/is ruining my life that I am thinking if I don't say anything at all and deal with this on my own would be the safest. Any thoughts???

 

[Hello Rebecca]

Hey there pooh. First of all (((Debbie))) hugs to you. Congrats to you in speaking out. While I was in my abuse I never spoke out, was to scared. I finally said NO MORE, no more to this cruel life. My mother was abusive/mentally physically, than the ex husband, no more!! It took me a long time to leave, but I did!!!

I know you are saying it's hard. I DID too' but it's as easy as walking out the door. You have been through enough. DON'T GIVE UP on your self, keep searching, find a shelter for domestic abuse, go now!!!

What I know about abusers, is that they don't like to be told you have a dreams.They will try to crush them, after my divorce I dated, and found some weirdos that try to hurt me, but Hell no, I wasn't going through it again. I'm married with fantastic man and I'm here to heal from my past, hope you find it too my friend.

Hope you sleep better tonight!!!
Rebecca

 

[anthony]

The nightmares started again last night.

Perfectly normal, and you really should just accept this as a fact of the way it has to be in order to open that can of worms, regardless the time in your life you choose to do it.

You cannot explore trauma to heal trauma, and also intentionally provoke specifics within you to change them, without there being repercussions. Don't fight with symptoms, just get focused on the cause, identify the issue, then narrow yourself into changing your thoughts and behaviour to what you want, not what is now that is causing you the issues.

Question? How does one go about telling their partner about this new journey in life? I am so afraid of being rejected in this relationship because on how much my childhood has/is ruining my life that I am thinking if I don't say anything at all and deal with this on my own would be the safest. Any thoughts???

Catch 22... there is no right or wrong way that can obtain the response from a partner you want. At the end of the day, it comes down to your judgement of your partners ability to accept mental illness and how well you believe the person can support you. People aren't stupid either, especially partners, in that they can see change / issues, even if they act ignorant, they can often still identify the change in you. So what you think may be a secret isn't as secretive as you thought.

 

[DebbiePooh57]

Thank you again for kind words and support. I am happy to have found this forum. Question: Do I continue to write on this thread or start a new thread everyday I write? Anyways.............. I'll stay here till told otherwise :)

How does one feel optimistic and yet could sit in a corner and cry for hours?

I have had two good mornings in a row, no yelling or confrontation from my boyfriend, he even mentioned this morning that everything I did for him before he left for work..."I did great." Never heard that before. I try so hard to do everything for him, a man who has lived by himself for a lot of years and really isn't used to having an extra set of hands. He has helped me a lot (though he doesn't know it) by being honest with me about how I act and react. And I have to admit, I overdo the helpfulness. Most times I have to stop myself and ask if he really needs my help in doing things. Am I trying to over-compensate my shortfalls?

I still haven't said anything to him about starting my journal, for joining this forum or even for finally realizing that things happened in my childhood has molded me into this clay jar of nightmares, regrets, fear and tears. I read on another thread about "happiness", what is happiness? I hear/read people tell about different things that make them happy. If happiness is a long term feeling, I have never had it, and if it is a collection of small moments of a quick smile, then I have those but they never last long. What it is like to wake up smiling and having the feeling of gladness that lasts till you close your eyes at the end of the day? Will one day like that ever happen for me????????

 

[KP the nut]

Question: Do I continue to write on this thread or start a new thread everyday I write? Anyways.............. I'll stay here till told otherwise :)

This thread is really for initial introductions.

If you want to continue with your story, maybe think about starting a trauma diary. Just go to that forum and click new thread. Start new threads as you need or comment on what others have written in the other forums eg chit chat.

 

[anthony]

Am I trying to over-compensate my shortfalls?

You have to answer that, nobody else.

You have to be happy within yourself, you have to be a complete individual. Two individuals come together and have a relationship, crossing into each others lives, yet not overlapping completely (smothering) nor just for sex and nothing more (too individualistic).

There always has to be a compromise, however; one should not be doing all the compromise, it is always both and equally. If one is giving more than the other, it isn't a relationship, it is turning into an abusive situation where one is obtaining control and dominance over the other. You need to be an assertive, confident person first and foremost. That is your aim really, which puts you squarely in charge of your life, your decisions, and is what makes you happy as a person doing what you want to be doing, not trying to please another as a majority.

The majority must always be you, the minority is pleasing others.