Hello - The Fear Off Losing My Life

[Kate]

Hello, everyone. I'm new here and feeling my way both with the forum and the whole idea of PTSD. I feel strange when I think about PTSD, as if part of me is on the outside nodding my head saying how it explains a lot and the other part of me is silently screaming.

I'm from Minnesota. Newly divorced this past summer. Had been married for near 12 years. It started out very good and turned very ugly. I was kept nearly totally isolated for the last 5-6 years - most of that time literally in fear of losing my life. I got hurt a lot. Being so alone with so much fear for so long had more of an impact on me than I realized, now that I am not there. When I left, I lost my farm and my horses and dogs and my sweet flock of sheep. I left behind my gardens and my meadows and my woods. I have no words for that sorrow.

I had to plot my escape, because I was so afraid of what might happen. I had to find homes for my critters. It was all very hard and complex and had to be done so, so carefully. Losing my farm was losing part of me, of my dream.

Not quite sure who I am these days. Sometimes I feel so clear and other times so muddy. What a mess.

My family wants me to slide back into life as if that whole chapter of 5/6 years had never been written. "That's been over for 6 months! Forget about it! You should be over it by now!" I feel like a failure when I hear that.

So here I am. I'm glad to have found this place.

Kate

 

[becvan]

Welcome Kate.

I'm glad you got out. There are no time limits here so don't worry about being told you "should be over that." LOL, most of us hate that saying with a passion!

Bec

 

[cookie]

welcome to the forum, kate. ah yes, we've all heard some version of that--snap out of it, or just don't think about it. people just don't understand about ptsd, they are looking at the situation like they THINK they would handle it. of course, it's not so easy when you're actually in there. this is a good, safe place to learn and heal. glad you found it.
cathy

 

[Kate]

Thank you so for the warm welcome.

I've been reading the various areas here. I have a lot to learn...and a lot of work to do.

Not quite sure where to start, so I've been reading the info threads about exposure therapy and cognitive behavior therapy and trauma's interaction with the brain. The info helps. So *that's* why I feel so hyper-vigilant all the time. I've been living scared for so long it feels normal. I've been quiet, oh so quiet, for so long...it feels really strange to begin even in small ways to put words to it all. Small though it may be, even this little post here feels like a huge beginning.

Breaking a rule, I guess.

Thanks again for the welcome. : )

Kate

 

[anthony]

Welcome to the forum Kate... let me just say, "your not a failure" by any means Kate. Trauma inflicted and suffered by humans cannot often be understood by many unless such such sufferering has also occurred. Its very common to not be understood by others basically. Look forward to chatting more with you.

 

[Deleted member 93]

Breaking those rules start to feel good! And yes it is a very big step for you. Sorry you had to lose your farm. I just lost mine and moved a week and a half ago from there. I lost mine due to PTSD being too much a factor as I heal and had to leave the area as way too many triggers to move on. Hope to be at a better place emotional and have the energy to do it again. So I really relate to losing the critters and quite.

I am glad to see you made it out, another huge step. Are you in any form of therapy to help you learn to get through this? Good luck on your journey :)

 

[Kate]

Thank you, Anthony, for saying I'm not a failure. I sure feel like one. It's all confusing. I used to feel so capable. Now sometimes the smallest things are overwhelming. Or I start crying over nothing. That is not at all like me.

Veiled, I am sorry to hear you lost your farm and critters, too. That can be a long deep sorrow. I took a bunch of pictures before I left, but I haven't been able to look at them. What kind of critters did you have? I hope to do it again someday, too.

I'm not in any therapy at the moment. Not opposed to it. I'm not working and have no insurance. $ is an issue. I figured once I escaped I would pull myself together...that even though it would be hard to start over from scratch that I would be soaring simply because I was freeeeeeee. I figured if I escaped, the hard part would be over and I would figure things out for myself. Bootstrap it.

 

[becvan]

Oh Kate you just reminded me of something! When I first left an abusive ex (ohhh about five years or so ago) I was still living by his rules. I didn't realize it at first since I was so exhilarted and terrified at the same time. I would keep putting everything in the exact same spot, etc.. You know those little things we do to stay on the good side. Well, it was pointed out to me that my ashtrays would have to go in the same spot everytime. If someone moved them, I would go and put them back. I didn't even realize that I did it! So I started to rotate ashtrays to stop myself from doing that! I still rotate my ashtrays!

Survival habits are hard to break. Give yourself time to change these little things. You changed the big thing. That is capable. Very capable. Most women never take that step. All the little stuff may be annoying, but really is little. Don't sweat the small stuff!

bec

 

[Deleted member 93]

I had to place fowl... I was a fowl nut. I bred show quality Blue Laced Red Wyandottes if you know what they are and was cleaning up my line of white Silkies (great top knots but needed work on the feet feathering). I raised Rouens and Pekins, along with African Geese, Embden, and Saddle backs. Had guineas of all sorts (loud boogers). Rabbits, and some muscovies. I also had to place 2 Great Pyrenees that were trained (kept my old one and my guard dog). Also, have 4 cats still trying to find homes for back in Texas. I brought 4 with me but the 17 yo one died shortly after the move here right after Xmas. I am not too happy with that.

I was close to getting goats but my condition just kept getting the best of me and I could not really cope with the farm. We had debated getting a horse and got close as it is probably one of the most relaxing past times of my life. My best memories were riding. No matter how jumpy or green the horse was I seemed to always be able to get a nice ride, Nothing beats that. My garden went to hell... my fields over grown, I could barely get kids too school. But right now fixing this is my top priority to get me back to being mom and a farmer again. Things I love. And hell in Kansas, I hope I can find a farm again one day when I am ready.

Besides I had a couple little hens that are too cute for words that are now "underground" chickens. I bought a parrot cage before I left and they are in my bed room LOL, I just could not quite let go of it all. A fluffy out white silkie named Opal and her partner in crime Pearl a sport silkie feathered but pure bred bantam cochin. (Pearl is my real baby, Opal is company for her)

And really you can feel so overwhelmed as now being free you see you were beaten down to be made to think you cannot think for yourself or function without him. It is very untrue, he is now nothing without you. That is why they hold on so strong and control, they are useless without you. And those wings you imagined will come. It will take a while but they come in.

You have already started that process by getting out and finding us. I hope you too one day get your farm back. It is like a piece of me is missing without it.

Also, look into calling women's shelters. They maybe able to steer you in the direction for free services like counseling coming out of a relationship like that.

 

[Terry]

Kate your not a failure, your a success story. Soooo many women I've worked with in the past never made it out. Some died as a result and are chapters in my PTSD. Don't feel as if you failed in any way. You had to survive even if it meant you had to leave everything behind. This just means you'll have less bagage to carry. As Veiled said look into local/state women's programs for support. Also if you are still in the State as where you left, there may be Victim's funds available. Check with your jurisdiction's prosecutors office for information. They should be able to point you in the right direction. If you need to talk, get ahold of me or my wife Tig on the forum. We met researching Domestic Violence and published a few studies. Welcome and congrats for choosing a new life.

 

[goingonhope]

Not quite sure who I am these days. Sometimes I feel so clear and other times so muddy.

My family wants me to slide back into life as if that whole chapter of 5/6 years had never been written. "That's been over for 6 months! Forget about it! You should be over it by now!" I feel like a failure when I hear that.

Kate many of us here are having these days, ...sometimes clear...sometimes muddy, at this time in our lives, it all can improve greatly for us with our acceptance, committment and work...and all despite everything and anything.

It sounds like your family is requesting the impossible though, and I do ask you not be to hard on yourself when feeling down. If you can and will, come here and write much. Get it out. Rant, Rave, Vent whatever it takes to clear up muddy thinking some, and move on. Family will understand when they understand and unfortunately not any sooner. It takes time.

Welcome to the forum Kate!

 

[Nam]

I agree with Terry! You have already had success! I applaud you on your bravery. Welcome to the forum Kate. I'm glad you've found us. By the way, I'm from northern Iowa. :)