Silent Walker
New Here
I struggle a lot lately. I used to be a depersonalization sufferer, having it chronically for 8 years. I managed to fight my way out of it in 2012, and my life started to slowly get better. Sadly, I mainly did superficial stuff which did not include working with my childhood. Even so, I created enough momentum to get into a masters degree in economics, which I am currently in my last year off.
During the summer, I got news that my mum get brain cancer. It's been spreading from her breast. Luckily, they managed to operate her successfully, but since it has spread from her breast, it can just as easily be anywhere in her body. These news has slowly sent me down a downward spiral. I don't really attend classes anymore, I struggle with sleeping at night, and it seems that it is impossible to communicate with people at the moment. I feel like there is no common ground between me and other people at the moment. I just get exhausted being around people. I have a therapy session the 4th of November, but I can't see how I can get back in business to finish my subjects successfully this year. This thought just makes me more exhausted as time goes by..
I been diagnosed with PTSD once (I assume he meant C-PTSD). My childhood took place in an alcoholic home, where my Dad was a raging alcoholic. He would often threaten to kill himself and smash stuff. Episodes I can remember include; him chasing me and my sister on vacation around in a Motel garden. I remember him throwing a glass towards me and my mother that smashed right in front of us. One time I thought my mother would kill him, he was screaming like a dying man lying on the floor. My mum held a knife in her hands, standing above him and he yelled: "She is killing me, she is killing me". I don't know exactly what occured, I suspect he was just using the situation to manipulate. I highly doubt she actually planned to use the knife. The most violent he would get was pushing, and apparently once he kicked my mum out of the house. Mostly the fights were verbal tho. The home situation was worse when I was young, and gradually got more and more "civilized". Apparently my sister used to plug air plugs in my ears when I was really little and they would fight :).
Fights could last for days, and they would almost always be centered around the alcohol usage. I don't know if I have C-PTSD or not, and something I struggle with a lot lately is me going from thinking "I had it bad", to ;" what am I complaining about, so many other people had it a lot worse". I feel so weak since I have let my childhood affect me the way it has, and it shames me. Also, the whole depersonalization that I experienced really blanked my life. It's like I have no experiences to share, no personality. I have no past, no identity or life agenda to follow on a day to day basis. I can't really talk to people without using self deprecating humour. I don't wanna make this text to long, since it's supposed to be an introduction ( sorry), but I just felt like sharing...
During the summer, I got news that my mum get brain cancer. It's been spreading from her breast. Luckily, they managed to operate her successfully, but since it has spread from her breast, it can just as easily be anywhere in her body. These news has slowly sent me down a downward spiral. I don't really attend classes anymore, I struggle with sleeping at night, and it seems that it is impossible to communicate with people at the moment. I feel like there is no common ground between me and other people at the moment. I just get exhausted being around people. I have a therapy session the 4th of November, but I can't see how I can get back in business to finish my subjects successfully this year. This thought just makes me more exhausted as time goes by..
I been diagnosed with PTSD once (I assume he meant C-PTSD). My childhood took place in an alcoholic home, where my Dad was a raging alcoholic. He would often threaten to kill himself and smash stuff. Episodes I can remember include; him chasing me and my sister on vacation around in a Motel garden. I remember him throwing a glass towards me and my mother that smashed right in front of us. One time I thought my mother would kill him, he was screaming like a dying man lying on the floor. My mum held a knife in her hands, standing above him and he yelled: "She is killing me, she is killing me". I don't know exactly what occured, I suspect he was just using the situation to manipulate. I highly doubt she actually planned to use the knife. The most violent he would get was pushing, and apparently once he kicked my mum out of the house. Mostly the fights were verbal tho. The home situation was worse when I was young, and gradually got more and more "civilized". Apparently my sister used to plug air plugs in my ears when I was really little and they would fight :).
Fights could last for days, and they would almost always be centered around the alcohol usage. I don't know if I have C-PTSD or not, and something I struggle with a lot lately is me going from thinking "I had it bad", to ;" what am I complaining about, so many other people had it a lot worse". I feel so weak since I have let my childhood affect me the way it has, and it shames me. Also, the whole depersonalization that I experienced really blanked my life. It's like I have no experiences to share, no personality. I have no past, no identity or life agenda to follow on a day to day basis. I can't really talk to people without using self deprecating humour. I don't wanna make this text to long, since it's supposed to be an introduction ( sorry), but I just felt like sharing...
