fullyalive_morethanmost
New Here
Hi everyone! My name is Vanessa and I'm brand new to this site, even though I should've been here a loooong time ago. Anyways, I was reading through some of the content here and was very impressed by all of the love, respect, dignity and wisdom everyone here shares with eachother regarding this debilitating illness. I only know what I have been through and my personal experiences so it definitely is enlightening for me to see how I'm not the only one who has and does feel certain ways when it comes to having PTSD. I was diagnosed in the Fall of 2008, again probably should have happened alot sooner than that but can't change the past right? So here I am now, an almost completely different person than I was then, but still struggling with some of the effects of the trauma like triggers, anxiety, flashbacks etc.
I don't know if they will all ever go away, but I am not going to dwell on it either. If I have to live with it, then I have to make the best of it and not let it control my entire being especially by hurting those around me who love me and have helped me through it all. I was very depressed, suicidal actually for so many years. I was actually suicidal at the age of 10-11ish but never linked that to depression or anything abnormal at the time. I thought it was just living. Living and wanting to die every day. Or as my mother put it, "Okay, so what?" when I told her about this revelation recently. I never actually spoke about it to anybody because for one, my mother would beat the crap out of me.
And two, I was too embarassed. My mother from a young age instilled in me that crying or showing emotion was no more than me being a weak person. Actually I remember trying to tell her how hopeless & depressed I was one time while she was beating me down. I screamed, "I want to kill myself!" She looked at me, asked me to repeat myself and then proceeded to beat me even more and harder than before like I was being disobedient when all I wanted was help, love.. ANYTHING but the pain I had inside that I learned to hide so well. Oh, to be 11. Very hard time in my life. Now that I have been diagnosed and treated I look back and think, "Wow, I was only a kid when I first tried to kill myself.
That thought just hurts so much bc I cant imagine seeing a child do the same to themselves, it's truly heart-breaking. And then to try and imagine the pain I must of felt that would cause me to want to end it all. I can't believe I'm still here, and I am so grateful those attempts never worked." It's all so amazing to me now looking back. I have been subject to many different traumas, physical emotional and mental abuse from my mother was just the beginning. HOWEVER, I have many other things to take care of right now but I will be on later to continue this. I am proud of being open and honest and I think thats the only way any form of healing can start to take place. Please feel free to get back to me, I want to hear about everyone else's experiences if you wish to share. Thanks for your ears/eyes/hearts! :)
<3 Vanessa.
I don't know if they will all ever go away, but I am not going to dwell on it either. If I have to live with it, then I have to make the best of it and not let it control my entire being especially by hurting those around me who love me and have helped me through it all. I was very depressed, suicidal actually for so many years. I was actually suicidal at the age of 10-11ish but never linked that to depression or anything abnormal at the time. I thought it was just living. Living and wanting to die every day. Or as my mother put it, "Okay, so what?" when I told her about this revelation recently. I never actually spoke about it to anybody because for one, my mother would beat the crap out of me.
And two, I was too embarassed. My mother from a young age instilled in me that crying or showing emotion was no more than me being a weak person. Actually I remember trying to tell her how hopeless & depressed I was one time while she was beating me down. I screamed, "I want to kill myself!" She looked at me, asked me to repeat myself and then proceeded to beat me even more and harder than before like I was being disobedient when all I wanted was help, love.. ANYTHING but the pain I had inside that I learned to hide so well. Oh, to be 11. Very hard time in my life. Now that I have been diagnosed and treated I look back and think, "Wow, I was only a kid when I first tried to kill myself.
That thought just hurts so much bc I cant imagine seeing a child do the same to themselves, it's truly heart-breaking. And then to try and imagine the pain I must of felt that would cause me to want to end it all. I can't believe I'm still here, and I am so grateful those attempts never worked." It's all so amazing to me now looking back. I have been subject to many different traumas, physical emotional and mental abuse from my mother was just the beginning. HOWEVER, I have many other things to take care of right now but I will be on later to continue this. I am proud of being open and honest and I think thats the only way any form of healing can start to take place. Please feel free to get back to me, I want to hear about everyone else's experiences if you wish to share. Thanks for your ears/eyes/hearts! :)
<3 Vanessa.
