Hello

[ermill2]

Hello all, I am new to this forum and website. I am very grateful that I ran across it in my search for support. My husband is an OIF veteran who has PTSD from his various experiences at war. I am looking for support from other wives of veterans with PTSD and wives of persons with PTSD in general.

 

[The Albatross]

Welcome Ermill... lots of supporters here.

 

[IvyMillie]

Welcome to this site. I'm a newbie too. This site has helped me so much. I love getting to ask questions too, of others who have PTSD so that I can be a better carer for my husband who has PTSD.

My husband is a Vietnam Veteran. It has taken me a long time to see that many of his behavior is related to his PTSD. When I first learned about PTSD the definition I learned about actually was kind of vague. I didn't think that it had that large an affect on our relationship.

However, as the years went by our relationship began to have problems. He tried to get some help and went to therapy. I read some of his papers and learned a bit more. However, it was only this year after 20 years of marriage that I began to have a bit of a meltdown myself.

I began to do a bit of research about the secondary affects of PTSD and it really hit me. It is really affecting me. I felt like I was losing my mind trying to cope with his behavior. It was affecting my personality.

I'd gotten down before, but this was like it was affecting me internally my feeling of being worthy. It's hard when your mate has PTSD and he really can't be as loving as you would like. He can't really be there for me. He is like living with a wall, I can't talk to him. All this hurt on my side, but he still wants alot out of me. I have to be there for him.

I was even becoming a bit resentful, which is about as bitter and horrid a thing that can happen to a relationship.

Doing some research and finding this site I think really saved me emotionally. I couldn't belive it. There were people that were also living in this weird world that I lived in. That alone, turned it around for me.

This site is so great, I'm so glad you found it. I know it will help you too. I look forward to reading more of your posts.

 

[Navy Spouse]

Hi, I'm so glad you found this site as I did in your search for answers and someone to understand you feelings. Thank you for posting a message to me. I so much know how you feel and that was my hope to find somebody who could relate. I hope your husband will get the help he needs. I know how bad the moving out thing hurts. We wait for our husband to return to us and worry the whole time, just to have him return angry at us. Why us? I have said to my husband many times , "It doesn't make sense to be angry and emotionally detached from the one person who has been there through everything and is willing to help you and support you in any way possible."
It begins to feel like a one sided relationship. We as spouses continue to do everything we did before and we constantly have to think about what we say and how it will make them feel, while we go without the basic things we need in order to feel loved and cared about. Since my husband has moved out he'll come for dinner when he can and we do things as a family since we have two daughters. I have wondered if it wasn't for the two daughters if I'd see him. When he comes I make his favorite meals, the girls and I bake something for dessert and I think how nice it would be if he just walked in the house with a gas station rose. PTSD seems to make them so selfish. Sometimes I just want to say "Is it the PTSD or are you just being an ass?"
I feel bad complaining when there's so many men that didn't come home or came home wounded. I feel blessed that he came home, I just wish I could erase his memory of the past year and we could pick up where we left off. He left for Afganistan a year ago telling our girls that I was his best friend and telling me he loved me more each day. Where did that go? He's told me some of what he had saw, he lost four friends, one of which he's feeling guilt over because he was with him. I totally understand having PTSD. I don't understand letting it take more from you than what it already has. Why push your family away?

 

[IvyMillie]

Navy Spouce,
I know you wonder about whether it is the PTSD or some other cause. I hate to say this, but just from what little you said I think it's probably the PTSD. It sounds like his trauma is really recent. He's probably having all kinds of emotions right now. As a guy he isn't able to express it so it is coming out in his behavior--which is unpleasant.

All I can say is, and I feel bad saying this but you probably can't take it personally although I know I know it feels very personal. If he loved you before--he still does.

Pushing family away is pretty "normal" as you will see from reading this forum. Sad but true.

I hate to say this also, but the PTSD isn't something he is really choosing. I'd say he is in a heap of emotional turmoil and pain. Just think, when my husband went to the Vietnam wall he broke down and cried. He then admitted his survivors guilt. This was 35 years prior and it was still eating him up inside.

So with your husband I think he probably doesn't understand his feelings, and isn't able at present to really be there for you at all. Just imagine he came home with an actual brain injury and he can't walk and talk yet. In this case you could see the bandages around his head. He may need round the clock care, but it would be easier because it is tangible. Even if you had to feed him and do all these tasks for him.

Well, he does have an injury it's just on the inside of his brain.

It would be easier if it was an injury we could see physically. However, it is just as deep and profound. When he heals a little he will probably still have limitations and scars.

I know it's super hard because you love him and I know you just need some support and reassurance from him.

None of this is easy, but I think it's really good that you are having him in your life. You do have some contact with each other. That's so good for your girls.

Is he getting any kind of therapy? I think you will be helped the more you learn also about the disease. It is really commendable that you are really hanging in there and doing what you can. I'm truly sorry it is such a hard thing to go through. How long had you been married?

 

[KP the nut]

Welcome to the forum, I'm pleased you found us.

Lots of great information and support, so have a look around.

((HUGS)) if you accept them
KP

 

[IvyMillie]

Navy Spouce from your post on my thread. I wasn't sure where to put it.

Wow this is all really new for you. I'm so glad that you have been together for so long. You're not complaining--just trying to figure it out. I feel bad still for all of this happening to you. You are having a rough time of it for sure.

I think why he moved out may be revealed in time. It may be something like he is afraid of hurting you in some way. My husband still will get freaked out by noises. He will still at times get really angry. Maybe, he isn't able to control his emotions.

My husband said when he first came back he thought he was going to hurt somebody--because he wasn't himself. I'm sure your husband is trying to protect you in some way. It really would be nice if he had the capability of explaining it a bit more to you, so that you could know more of what he is going through. It might be too scary though.

I sometimes ask the sufferers on this site to explain what they are going through, and that has helped me alot. My husband isn't able to talk about it. I think you will feel better even if your husband can't talk right now, understanding what is going on from other sufferers.

It's so hard for us carers because they have feelings and reactions that to us really make no sense. As you mentioned some of it also seems totally illogical.

That's so great that you have so many years together, so your love is one that has years behind it. That sure is what will help you, to remember all of the good times. I hope your daughters are doing okay.

I'm glad your husband is trying to get help, it will still take time, but hopefully he will be able to open up to you. I really send you my sympathy. I'm so glad that you are on this site, I know it will help you so much. When our husbands aren't ready to talk--at least we can try to figure it out. :)

 

[Army_Brat_88]

Hi everyone, I'm scootching myself into this thread really quickly...

I wonder if you ladies have read (or ever heard) of the books "Once a Warrior, Always a Warrior", and "After the War"? I gobbled up all the info these books had to offer - there are more underlines and tabbed pages than not :), but they REALLY got to the nitty gritty of men who've come back from war - the isolation/attitudes/mentalities/suffering. Sorry if you already know about them, but I will always recommend them to anyone and everyone who has a loved one who served. They were written in a fashion for both the personnel AND the spouse/gf/family member. I learned things I couldn't find on any website or article. They are invaluable resources while trying to desperately understand combat PTSD.

Thanks to you and yours for all of your sacrafices for our country! :D

 

[Navy Spouse]

Thank you ladies, I really appreciate the kind words and its nice to not feel quite so alone. Fortunately our girls are doing well so far. A little confused, but aren't we all? I have been trying to read all I can. I borrowed a book from the library called "After the war zone" I thought it was written well and was easy to read. I passed it on to my husband and he said he will read it also. I just called the library earlier today and requested "Once a warrior, always a warrior" I will be picking it up tomorrow along with another one called "Courage after fire". Once again thank you.

 

[Army_Brat_88]

:tup: That's great if he'll read these books - and sooooooooo glad you're reading them too. Please let me know how the "courage" book is - I could always use some more insight!