General Hello

[ShaysRed]

Hello. I'm new to this site, but not new to the supporting role. I am married to a man who has cptsd. If you have issues with the military or service members, I politely ask that you keep your comments about them to yourself. We live in an area where it is common enough that the lay person may understand some behaviors, but it is the day to day efforts that get me.

This may seem like a ramble. Or too composed to actually be emotion filled. It is my issue. I have effectively trained myself into composure. I work in an environment where it is required, and it has carried over except to my hardest or weakest moments.

We have no children, and I am often told, I must have it so much easier to deal with his issues without kids to protect. That's wrong on a couple of levels. We wanted and tried for kids, but I can't get pregnant. Constant reminders of this make depression a very real issue.

He is an only child and a grown up military brat. The military life is all he has ever known. Facing the very real likelihood of being medboarded for the cptsd and other health issues is a difficult thing to come to terms with.

Sometimes I'm resentful. I'm not perfect, but I do try to be his friend, support team, as well as cheerleader. Unfortunately or maybe fortunately, I don't coddle very well. He doesn't respond to coddling anyways.

I knew him before he went to war. I married him after I knew he was struggling. His issues didn't influence that. I loved him.

Lately though, I don't know if my love is enough anymore. And for the first time, in a very long time, I'm not seeing any hope at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes it feels like I'm on a merry go round, with the ups and downs and specific sites, and the dizziness and the feelings of frustration because the thing wont stop.

I never seem to make any ground with him. We don't live anywhere close to family or friends, and he is so embarrassed when he is breaking down that I can't get him to leave the house sometimes.

It wears me out. My friends know there are issues, but it is the elephant in the room and never mentioned. His parents know something is up, but all they ever tell me is they couldn't do what I do. My family, well there isn't a lot of support there for him, because any mental health issue is still taboo.

Sometimes I just want to scream. I try not to. If I cry, he feels guilty and it can actually make things worse. If I behave in a manner similar to Spock, he may talk to me.

The majority of the conversations are focusing on what he can do, and a plan to accomplish more. This thrills me, but it is just good intentions in our paved hell.

I don't want to feel like a failure with him. I just don't know if my support is enough.

I am afraid constantly that I'm doing something wrong, and it is hurting his options for recovery.

I'm just scared.

Thank you for reading.

 

[Dallas]

Hi ShaysRed,

I think you will find a lot of support on this site for military spouses and those in the military. There is an excellent "brother" website http:// for those military combat veterans with ptsd. I'm sure your husband will find a lot of help and support there if he is so inclined.

I don't feel qualified to comment on offering wives of military veterans for help. I've only been dating my boyfriend about 7 months. But the best way I've found to cope with my situation is to focus on making my own life full, complete and happy. Taking care of myself first so I have strength and energy to help him if he asks. And I expect the same consideration in a relationship, whether or not he has PTSD. ie, he doesn't get a "free pass" for bad behavior, just because he has ptsd.

Our relationship keeps getting stronger with these rules and boundaries in place, and is actually the healthiest relationship I've ever been in!

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Bilby]

Hi ShaysRed,

I'm really sorry to hear of your struggles. It sounds like one rough road to travel.

PTSD really isn't just a struggle for the sufferer, but a struggle for us, as supporters too. It feels as though it can quickly engulf you and completely take over. It's as though life isn't about anything else.

That said, it doesn't really come as much of a surprise that supporters often develop their own issues, for one reason or another. I have depression and anxiety, but I suffered with that before I met my husband. I'd be lying however, if I didn't admit that his PTSD has not had an influence on my mood and my own ability to function.

Is your husband getting any help for his PTSD?

It sounds as though you are seriously lacking in support and that's a real shame as it's such an essential part of being able to get through all this. I believe it's not the quantity of friends we have, but the quality - you can count your real friends on one hand. I don't talk about my husband's PTSD to my friends much, but they know that it exists. I have work to do as far as 'utilising' my friendships for support as much as I should/need - i.e. I am very much a hermit, self-conscious, low self-esteem, etc etc. So I avoid going out if I can. I really need to work on seeing my friends more as I really do value them greatly, but I know it will help me to feel better about myself, which can in in turn, only make me better equipped to provide support when it is most needed.

I hope that you can find something from this site that will help you, and your husband. Have you read any of the threads and found any useful information? I have done a lot of reading in my time here and it has really opened up my eyes.

Anyway, I've rambled myself a little bit :)

B x

 

[ShaysRed]

Thank you for the responses. It took a lot of time, to build up the courage to post again. I have been lurking and reading information. The husband is trying to get help, but it is what feels like a really slow process. I get upset and have to bring myself back to normal.

 

[Phenioxrising]

Sounds like you need to take time for yourself, and clear your head. That may give you some space that you need. As well for your husband, We all need to take time for ourselves and heal our "inner child".

 

[discarded]

Hi ShaysRed and welcome. I am a supporter of a sufferer with military caused PTSD also. He was medboarded out 6 months ago. It was the most difficult time in the whole PTSD situation so far. He triggered badly, refused help, both professional and mine. Our world fell apart. Hang in there for as long as you can, get help for yourself. You are doing all that you can and I am sure you have the very best of intentions for your husband. As for PTSD and kids involved, it is our 12 year old daughter that keeps me going, that gives me a reason to try to stay focused. In that respect I think it is easier for me.

You really do need to take good care of yourself. I wish you all the best. The forum is a great supportive environment.