existentialOpossum
New Here
Hi everyone..I guess I better tell a bit about myself (sorry for the lengthy post).
During my first year of college, I was diagnosed with PTSD with attachment disorder by a psychiatrist/psychology professor after over 3 months of talking to him off-the-record. Starting from the beginning, I was diagnosed with ADD/OCD when I was about 6 years old or so, Asperger's/Dysthymia/Trichotillomania at around 13, Schizoid when I was 17-18, and a more recent counselor has thrown out ones like social phobia and panic disorder. I've been in therapy and on a grocery list of meds for a LONG time, so all of the different labels have given me serious whiplash and identity issues, as well as a general distrust of psychiatrists. But the one that I most relate to is Complex PTSD.
I experienced neglect as an infant/toddler by my father, who then abandoned me. After that, I dealt with ongoing abuse from my mother and her boyfriend (now husband), whom she made excuses for. It was primarily psychological, but he would do anything to terrorize me (physically and mentally), but the behavior was always blamed on me. Whenever I tried to stand up for myself, I would get assaulted or otherwise punished, and my mother told me that if I ever told my therapist about it, they would take me to a place where it would be worse and I would never see my family again. Both enjoyed gaslighting me, and since these things only happened behind closed doors, I thought it was normal. Most of my life is a blur.
Everyone acts like nothing ever happened now, and I'm told that I'm being selfish/ungrateful since my mom was "doing her best as a single mother" and all of my physical needs were being met. But I still don't have a full-time job and I can barely leave my room, and I have trouble expressing myself or being around people. Because of these issues, I'm having trouble with the guy I'm currently seeing, who also seems to express similar issues but is career-ambitious and financially stable. I want to be independent, but all I ever feel is numbness, irritability, guilt and panic. I only ever feel "comfortable" when I'm with the guy I'm seeing (who I'm afraid to open up to) and with my pets.
Hah, so..yeah. I'm basically here to get some pointers and guidance from people who understand. I really don't want this to be my life.
During my first year of college, I was diagnosed with PTSD with attachment disorder by a psychiatrist/psychology professor after over 3 months of talking to him off-the-record. Starting from the beginning, I was diagnosed with ADD/OCD when I was about 6 years old or so, Asperger's/Dysthymia/Trichotillomania at around 13, Schizoid when I was 17-18, and a more recent counselor has thrown out ones like social phobia and panic disorder. I've been in therapy and on a grocery list of meds for a LONG time, so all of the different labels have given me serious whiplash and identity issues, as well as a general distrust of psychiatrists. But the one that I most relate to is Complex PTSD.
I experienced neglect as an infant/toddler by my father, who then abandoned me. After that, I dealt with ongoing abuse from my mother and her boyfriend (now husband), whom she made excuses for. It was primarily psychological, but he would do anything to terrorize me (physically and mentally), but the behavior was always blamed on me. Whenever I tried to stand up for myself, I would get assaulted or otherwise punished, and my mother told me that if I ever told my therapist about it, they would take me to a place where it would be worse and I would never see my family again. Both enjoyed gaslighting me, and since these things only happened behind closed doors, I thought it was normal. Most of my life is a blur.
Everyone acts like nothing ever happened now, and I'm told that I'm being selfish/ungrateful since my mom was "doing her best as a single mother" and all of my physical needs were being met. But I still don't have a full-time job and I can barely leave my room, and I have trouble expressing myself or being around people. Because of these issues, I'm having trouble with the guy I'm currently seeing, who also seems to express similar issues but is career-ambitious and financially stable. I want to be independent, but all I ever feel is numbness, irritability, guilt and panic. I only ever feel "comfortable" when I'm with the guy I'm seeing (who I'm afraid to open up to) and with my pets.
Hah, so..yeah. I'm basically here to get some pointers and guidance from people who understand. I really don't want this to be my life.
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