Hello

[Iceman]

Hello,

I'm new here.
I am a Canadian veteran of the first gulf war, posted in Doha, Qatar.
I don't know if i really belong here, as i was air force (ground crew) and not land. I did not witness physical trauma, just mental trauma. My trauma comes from witnessing the missiles launched and headed in our direction. With that, i feel guilty as hell that i feel the way i do. I never went through what most of you did.

I arrived in Doha after the start, once the alert system was in place so that air alerts would only be sounded on directional attacks. The night I arrived, i experienced my first air alert. (the first one Doha had had in 2 weeks i believe)
the next day, canada started bombing (i was also load crew) and while on the flight line, i experienced my second air alert, and from the bomb shelter, physically saw the missile headed towards us.
My memories of the war after that are non existent. in addition, i have no real memories of my entire military career either before or after.
The only real memory i have of that time was after the war, on leave, ALL i could think of was i had to get out and put in my release.

I was in for the long term, with 9 1/2 years in going for the 25, but released myself as soon as i could. They gave me the handshake and i had to pay to move my F&E back to my hometown.

I have recently been diagnosed with PTSD and high anxiety due to that period. Anxiety sky rocketed 2 years ago, and the psychologist identified the PTSD.

I can't talk about the period without really stressing (even writing this is hard, i almost cancelled this post and deleted my account 5 times up to this point)
In addition, i can't bring myself to talk to, go to or see anything military related.
I managed to talk to Canadian veteran affairs, put in my disability claim etc, to see if they would start pay for the psychologist, but i am not holding my breath.

(i almost deleted and cancelled account 8 times)

if you feel this is not the right place for me, i will go ahead and delete my account.

 

[atilla]

Doesn't matter Brother how much you've seen, what branch of service, what occupational specialty you were. If you served in a war zone, and you've been diagnosed with ptsd, then you're in the right place. I served with the 101st airborne in the first gulf war also. I saw the scud come in that killed our troops in Riyad. Horrible things happen in war, some scary shit. It's some hard shit to deal with, but there are people here that do give a damn about their comrades. Welcome to the forum Brother. If you'll look at the flags by our names, you'll see that we are from everywhere, and every war since vietnam. There are some kick-ass Brothers and Sisters here. They have helped my old grunt-ass alot. Check out the posts in the different areas, also check out the media section. A wealth of information and experience in dealing with "the Beast", (our name for ptsd here). Again, welcome to the forum, and welcome home Brother, you are among friendlies.

 

[OldDoorGunner]

What atilla said. You found the right place. I am one of the old Nam guys, we have been dealing with the Beast before it was called PTSD.......It will take some work on your part, but you can and will find some hard ground to stand on. Welcome to the Farm Brother.....

J R

 

[Iceman]

Thank you for the welcome. I think the beast, as you call it, has been controlling my every move from behind the scenes for the last 20+ years. It has popped its head out and introduced itself in the last 2 years for some reason.

I have zero emotional capabilities, and very limited memories of that time as well. I don't even really remember my marriage or the birth of my children very clearly. I met my wife and got married after my release. We are still married... for now.. It is a little trying on her.

Lately I can't even watch a lot of shows on tv. There was one episode of Hawaii five o that had an air alert siren, almost sent me up the wall.

I'm dealing, I think, but wife and kids don't really understand.

Sorry for the long winded vent.

 

[OldDoorGunner]

No need to be sorry brother, venting gets it out, that's good. Read some post and check out the videos. Also, there are some good books you can get to help your wife to understand and learn about PTSD. Hopefully someone can post the names of the books, as I can't remember the names.....

J R

 

[atilla]

Like my fellow warrior said Iceman, no apologies necessary here. We all have to get it out there. When we dont, it makes it twice as bad. You'll find alot of us here have memory problems as well, kind of goes with the territory Brother. Hang in there. Post often and read what your warfighter bros post. Lots of help here you just have to reach out and grab it. ;)

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

Welcome Brother,

The term PTSD pisses me of because of the "D". You see, it's not a disorder. Your reactions are normal. So, don't beat yourself up. Your primal side, the one that got your ass to the shelter when the alarm sounded, is still with you. And, it's not going away.

That's not a bad thing. It's a natural thing. The good news is you can find ways to get to a better place. But, keep in mind that it's gonna take time and lots of effort. Like the guys said, get all the help you can. We all need it.

Get your wife and family involved. Although they will never really understand they can relate to this. You've been wounded. The wounds don't show physically. But, they are just as real. THOSE WOUNDS NEED TREATMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And, that has to be your number one priority.

Give yourself time to find the things you left behind. Take a long walk. Watch a sunset. Try to see as much as you can through the eyes of your children. You'll be amazed at how much you can learn from watching them.

OK, enough for now. Read a lot. Post often. And, never give up on yourself.

SD

 

[Iceman]

just finished my bi-weekly appt with my psychologist. I've been seeing her for close to a year, and been using EMDR therapy.

She JUST realized that instead of EMDR helping me to deal with the beast, it has been helping try and build the bigger bamboo cage to keep it behind. Bamboo is not that strong, and hence, a few issues over the last2 weeks has allowed it to start breaking the bars again.

We also spent quite a bit of time trying to analyze my memory loss issues. I've realized I've basically lost everything including my childhood up to about a year ago, other than very vague glimpses. not details, just that it happened, and even then, the last year is fizzy.

I've also realized I've been ignoring my mother, father, brother, sister for well over the last 10 years, haven't talked to brother and sister for that long, barely ever speak to father, and just do a hello, hello, bye, bye through skype with mother.

you don't realize how much your memory is gone, till someone starts questioning you about details.
Details you think you should remember, your wedding, birth of your children, how you met your wife....

I remember some of the points... but not the actual events. my memory is... start from now... go back to a prior point in time. figure out that date... did x happen before or after that... ok. this happened around that year. i remember it happened, just not it happening.

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

Iceman,

Am I hearing you right? EMDR is helping you try to build a bigger gate to keep the beast in?

Man, you don't cage the beast. It's part of you, an incredibly powerful part. And. that beast is what keeps warriors alive. You have to accept it for what it is, and learn how to live with it. And, there are ways to do that, and still have a meaningful life.

Also understand that you didn't loose the things you don't remember. You set them aside in order to survive. They are there for you to find.

Some may stay lost, and that's OK. There is a period of time during my tour that is a complete blank except for feelings I had. It may come back or it may not. Only time will tell, and I accept that.

Give yourself the time you need. What doesn't work today may make a difference tomorrow.

SD

 

[Iceman]

Thanks for your support dragon. You and everyone on the board.

I've been keeping the beast hidden for so long that my subconscious is trying to do whatever it can to put it back into the repression box. The only problem is that it has a full blown remote control system in the box, and is happy to drive from the background.

As you've all said, I need to accept the beast for what it is, acknowledge its existence and take away its control. Instead of me being its slave, it needs to become my b#%ch.

 

[Jimmy1]

Welcome to the forum mate.

If you ever need help or just a chat, just PM me.

 

[Iceman]

Heard Back from Canadian VA.
They are acknowledging the Beast with an initial 10% disability, and covering all treatments.
they said i could appeal or revisit the assessment later based on progress reports from my psychologist.
I'm just glad they are now covering all treatments