Hello. :)

[Res]

Hey. I'm Res, and I'm a sufferer of PTSD. I've healed a lot over these past couple of years, but just a few years ago my condition was very bad. I could not remember things that had happened in the past 5 years, and the time of which the trauma happened brought up a complete blank in my memory. I didn't mind that so much though, as I minded that fact that I seemed to be unable to retain any memory, no matter how recent, no matter how happy. I would forget events that had happened, and would be surprised when a friend would tell me about it. When I finally got a boyfriend, I was really unhappy with my condition, because I would only be able to see him for a week every few months (long distance) and I wanted to have every moment of our time together engraved into my mind... but alas, after he left, the memories left with him. I only had a general sense of what we had done together-places we had gone to-but I had no emotional connection to anything that I could remember. I lacked emotional connections to every one of the few memories that I was left with. I felt like I was supposed to look back on an event and know whether I was happy or sad, and I was supposed to feel those emotions when looking back on it, but I lacked that. I had to guess whether I enjoyed an event, and thus I'd continue going to events that made me miserable, thinking that I was happy at them in the past. I also had an uncanny ability to block out situations that were happening when I was in the middle of them. For instance, if I had an argument with someone, I'd block it out within minutes of it being over, and when the other person would bring it up later, I couldn't recall what we'd argued about. One time, I even began blocking out an argument while we were in the middle of it! It had me freaking out. There I was, having a person looking very sad and angry at me, and I couldn't remember what about.

There was also a time when I repressed emotions for a year. I didn't have to force them away, I just never felt them. I was trying to follow the Vulcan philosophies. Not feeling any emotion seemed like a good way to protect myself from getting hurt. But then it just led to me not even able to feel happy or have adrenaline rushes in scary situations or on roller coasters. And I found that when being in a relationship, emotions were needed, so I worked to stop repressing them so much, but I never stopped repressing all of them until about a year ago.

A year ago is when I started remember things again, and memories began flooding me. I was having flashbacks, and felt an emotional connection to them. Most of my flashbacks have been happy ones. Some have been bad, but I have a feeling that I haven't experienced all of the bad ones yet. I know that there's a lot more that I'm missing, and that's why I'm on here. I was originally posting on another psych forum about my problems, and it seemed like everyone was ignoring me. So I'm hoping that this place is nicer.

Along with PTSD I have a few other mental conditions. ADD, cyclothymia, and panic disorder. I probably have another anxiety disorder, but it hasn't been diagnosed yet. Right now I'm fighting my recent diagnosis with a mood disorder - cyclothymia, and am trying to get my moods under control.

I'm 18 years old, living with my boyfriend (whom of which, I felt so accepted by and safe with, that a lot of the effects of PTSD have disappeared, and my memories have come back.) And will be attending college in January.

I hope that I didn't type too much. *sweat*

 

[Res]

Although I have my memories back (well, most of them at least) and I'm very emotional, there are still situations that I can't go into, or if I do go into them I panic, because of something that happened during the traumma that caused this condition.

For anyone curious as to what happened, I'll explain. It wasn't just one big traumatic incidence, it was a series of them one after the other within two years. I entered middle school and began getting bullied, then my parents got divorced, then I began failing classes, then I moved off with my mom and went to a new school, then I got bullied even worse and the bully lasted for about 2 years, getting worse each month; then my mom got laid off from her job, I had to deal with my mom's depression during this time as well, then after being unemployed for a long time and having to live with my aunt, my mom got cancer and I was still being bullied (so badly that I would cry and have panic attacks each day before going to school, and when forced to go I would just go and cry in a bathroom before I went to the guidance office and got sent home). By the end of my second year in middle school I decided to change myself and be less emotional. This is when I began repressing things and continued to repress them for the next 4 years.

My mom healed from cancer, and I stopped getting bullied (or at least didn't realize it when I was). My mom got a job, we got a home, and I finally made non-abusive friends, and everything got better from there.

But I didn't feel like I could be myself around anyone, for whenever I tried to be, I was just hurt time and time again - until I met my boyfriend. After meeting him I've stopped repressing things and can remember past events VERY well! It makes me very happy. I just don't do so well when I'm around anyone other than him. It takes me a long time to stop being so anxious around people. And I can't go to parties anymore since they make me more anxious than anything else.

So this is how PTSD is still effecting me, I guess.

 

[Perspective11]

Welcome Res :) Your description to how you were a few years ago is what has been going on with me lately - especially the last few months. This forum, I've noticed, is a lot different than others.

 

[JohnnyM53]

Hi Res

Welcome to the Forum. No you didn't say too much.

Here you'll find lots of caring people and support and information. Keep posting and telling your story. That always helps jog the memory and will help us understand what you've gone through too.

Johnny

 

[Cryptantha]

Hi Res!

Welcome! I have found people here to be very understanding.

I can definitely identify with the forgetting what the argument is as it happens. I'm such a please-everyone type that I don't want to get angry and face them, so I end up going blank. Working on that, slowly but surely. I also have short-term memory issues. It can be so unsettling, I know, but it can also be fun in a way. My boyfriend seems to find it fun to tell me the story of how we met 8 years ago, and obliges me with reminders of what happened recently if I ask about an event. I even write down things in a little notebook with me all the time. Perhaps you could do that, have people "tell you the story" of things that happened recently that were good. It cements it in your memory and theirs, at least for a little while. Sometimes even hearing a part of the story triggers the whole memory. If you leave yourself cues to trigger it helps too. I keep birthday cards and sometimes associate them with what someone might have said on the phone that day, stuff like that.

 

[amethist]

Hi Res

Welcome to the forum

You have found a great place for help, advice, support and understanding.

Good to hear you mum has recovered and you are doing well too.

Keep posting your story, it will help you in your recovery. But only what you feel you can, there is no rush.

Everyone on here is very friendly, so you have no worries there.

Good luck and take care.

Amethist

 

[Res]

Thank you everyone for your warm welcomes. :)

Cryptantha, my memory problems have pretty much disapeared, minus a few missing memories here and there. Sometimes I can remember memories that I've forgotten on my own, or by someone else reminding me of them. But in the case of failing classes in middle school, no matter how much my mother explained it to me, it just didn't feel like it ever happened. Now however, I remember that time, but only based on the story that she told me. I remember it in the same way that I remember things that I blogged about (until my memory problems got better, I kept a journal and would re-read entries in it multiple times). I can only remember the event as how I wrote it. It's like, I know what I wrote about was true, so I keep that information and remember it. But without those blogs I couldn't remember anything else (although now I can remember even more details then what were in my blogs.)

At the moment I just need to remember events that I've completely blocked out. But that's hard, because I don't even know where these blocked memories are... or what they might be about (although I have a feeling that they are about various ways that I was bullied. It wouldn't make sense for me to have reacted so badly to school, based on the simple little ways that I was bullied back then, that I can remember. I know I must be forgetting things.)

Actually, I started getting a flash back when typing that... Still getting it. But it's really fuzzy. When it first came on, it came to me pretty clearly, but I ignored it thinking it was something that I'd already remembered before. But then when I tried remembering it in more detail, I began drawing up a blank. It was like the memory was escaping. All I could really remember was this one girls face, and the environment that we were in. But as I tried to dig any further in the situation I got no where. But now I've managed to get the memory out and I'm examining it. But I can't remember what happened afterwards. All I can remember is the act of bullying, not how I handled it (and I know I handled it badly.) This memory does not feel like one that I'd blocked out though. I remember reflecting on it for a couple of years after it happened, and then I forgot it. But it's not one of those things where I forgot it immediately, and I'm sure that must have happened with some of the other things I'm forgetting, since I can't find any traces of them in any of my other memories.

 

[JohnnyM53]

It's impossible to know where memories are stored. Thinking about things like who were my teachers, schoolmates, friends, what major events happened, etc might help in remembering.

For some reason, I have clear access to traumatic my memories at age 2 to 5 and lots of them after my dad was taken away by the cops at age 14. But it's quite a blur between 6 and 14 except for major events. Maybe it's suppose to be that way. I don't know.

Maybe extreme stress overrides access to memories of a vague nature?