Help A Freak To Survive The Clinic

[freakofnurture]

Thank you all for you kind and supportive words :)

Today was a day full of action. I'll tell you tomorrow when my head doesn't feel like it's filled with rusty nails anymore.

 

[ButterflyPEI]

Thank you Albatross. I'm fearfully counting down the days until its time to leave Tuesday. I hope I do well!

 

[freakofnurture]

Okay, they say a month in hell feels like ten years. A day at the clinic definitely feels like a week, at least. There's just so much going on inside. But I'm doing fine for now, I guess.

Yesterday was stressful because in the first group session - interactive therapy - there was talk about a conflict between two members of the therapy group. Person A felt that person B tried to 'pressure' her and 'destroy' her after the two had an argument two days earlier. Person B told person A that she didn't try or want any of that, but A insisted "Yes you do, I feel like you do!"

I cannot bear it when someone mistakes their perception/interpretation of an interaction for the reality of that interaction and insist on it even when told that their interpretation doesn't overlap with the intentions of the other person. It stresses me to no end because it has so much to do with my trauma (actually that would make it a trigger, I guess). I failed completely at not acting out my frustration (throwing my arms over my head, letting my head fall back, biting my fingers) and wasn't able to leave the room before I had made two rather aggressive sounding attempts to explain the problem to A (after B gave up in frustration and the T looked around for someone to pick up the ball).

So, this was pretty awful and I was more annoyed at myself than with A because I had made such an idiot of myself. I don't like to be so aggressive, I don't like that I get so approachable, I don't like that I can't keep my mouth shut, I don't like that I can't stop myself from telling other people when I know better, because even when I don't intend to sound like it, I will be perceived as a loud mouthed, self-inflating know-it-all, and rightfully so.

But - oh yeah, here comes the but! - when I was back inside and the problem laid to rest (A and B hugged tearfully; I tasted my breakfast a second time -.-) I said that I didn't intend to offend anybody and that my sudden aggression had to do with my trauma and wasn't really directed at anybody inside the group. I didn't say sorry because I wasn't sorry. I was just angry at myself.

So, I chalked that up as WBTE (went better than expected) and left the session with an okay feeling. Not good, not bad, but okay.

Later I had more reason to be annoyed at myself because I went into Let-me-tell-you-how-to-mode again and talked way too much during the DBT session. I hate it when I do that and I always need some time to prepare myself for staying quiet. Then I battle with the stupid feeling that the world will burn to ashes if I don't add my knowledge to a situation, and that I will be responsible, because I didn't give the information that would have been needed to avert global tragedy. I really don't know why I have this feeling. I mean... WTF? Get real, Freak. Get. The f*ck. Real.

And how do I reconcile that with my feelings of total intellectual inadequacy in all areas that matter? My self-image is a wonderland, a quagmire of paradoxes. Maybe a quantum phenomenon, who knows?

Now I'm trying not to care and not to get worked up in a chain of public self-humiliations that will only make things worse while trying to restore an image of humility for myself. I feel like a really horrible person.

Today was a good day. Imagination group was nice, then 25mins with my personal T in which I talked about my therapy goals, then about my p*rents a bit, then about my grandp*rents, and then about my husband. I realised how much relief I feel when I think about him. He gives me so much validation. It feels so good and safe and loving to be accepted and not have your symptoms questioned. He wanted to visit my p*rents, but only to tell them how bad I feel, so that they understand what they did to me. He takes my symptoms as proof for my childhood stories. The thing that has always been overlooked, ignored and loughed away now gives my experiences legitimacy. It's heaven.

I left the talk with a good feeling. I wanted to lay on my bed and cry a bit, but it was a good cry; couldn't do it, though, because my room mate was there.

Then came art therapy. I'm trying to build something I envisioned during imagination that day. Maybe I'll post a photo when I'm done. I love art therapy. Working with my hands and such. I'm making something positive this time. That doesn't happen often, but it does, and it feels right. Mostly I feel nauseous and fake when I hear the suggestion to make something positive, nice or happy in art therapy.

In the evening my husband came to visit and we had kebab and borek for dinner on a park bench.

And now I'm going to bed. G'night, y'all. ''' ' ' :D

 

[KP the nut]

(((FoN)))

It is late here and I am tired and muddled but I hope I make some sence.

I want to tell you that your courage inspires me. To face group therapy and the rest. To not have a place where you can be alone, even sharing a room is great.

Art therapy sound just right for you, a good positive outlet. I'm so pleased you can take time with your H to eat together, he sounds wonderful (like Mine) :inlove:

Hang in, I'm burning candles, linking arms and sending strength.
KP

 

[Reclusive]

FoN - I'm glad to hear it isn't that horrible, and that you felt like creating something positive in art therapy. I really hope you share it when you're done, if you feel comfortable with that. :D

 

[freakofnurture]

I want to tell you that your courage inspires me.

It feels good to hear that, thank you :) I'm sometimes frightened by my own bravitude (that's a real word) o.o Trust me, I wouldn't be here if it weren't the only alternative to giving up.

FoN - I'm glad to hear it isn't that horrible

I got triggered badly today and ran out of a session. Normally I have a problem with admitting that I've had too much and finding a 'good moment' to announce my leaving, but this time? T said one wrong word and off I went, fled to my room and cried myself to sleep. I'm okay again now, I guess, and seeing that I've been here for three days already before something really hit home... that's not too bad.

I spent 5 hours total in the art room today (two in the morning, three after therapy was over for the week; the room is open 24/7) and took some pictures of my work in progress. Here's two of them:


Other than that there wasn't much going on today. Therapy was mostly boring. Most of the other members in my group have never had therapy before so I feel like a post graduate sitting in a freshman course. It's surprising how much you actually learn during therapy, not only concerning theoretical concepts and scientific terms, but basic stuff about human needs. There's this woman in my group who talked about being hurt by her bf while not taking into account at all how the problem she was hurt about was also deeply hurting her bf. She was angry about how he shut down when she withheld him validation, then cried because he didn't validate her feelings. It's crass how such a small lack of knowledge can totally bar you from solving a situation constructively.

It was hard to watch but I managed to stay calm, try one explanation in a non-confrontational way and then leave the rest to the T. I chalk that up as a success. I still feel bad, though, for not talking more and getting through to that woman. I keep wondering if the T did her job good enough. I am such a presumptious a**hole. Why do I constantly feel like if I don't do something it will be done badly? I mean, on the one side there's me, a mere layman, and on the other side there's an experienced, well trained therapist who deals with cases like this one for a living. And look at my f*cking track record. I never even had as many relationships as most people my age have messed up. Oh well. At least I know I'm an a**.

Well, that was the day today. Thanks to you all again for keeping your fingers crossed :)

 

[KP the nut]

We are with you all the way
((HUGS))
KP

 

[OKRADLAK]

(((((((((((((( FREAK!!!))))))))))))))))

I hope you get a lot of help!! I somehow missed this thread but I hope you get some good help. Keep us posted on your art, too! Art from the hospital takes on a lot of meaning when you get home.It's tinged with all sorts of feelings.

Keep us posted.

And (((((((((PEI)))))))))))))))))) Yay!!!!! I am glad you are getting into that program soon, too!!! All this healing going on all over the place. You guys keep us inspired for the day we might go in.........you never know!

 

[freakofnurture]

Weekend! Very much needed. Monday is a national holiday here, so no therapy then, as well. I can only sleep at home one night, though, never two times in a row.

I spent three hours in the art room before my husband came to pick me up. My Inner Helper, whom I started working on yesterday (wire and felt), got a heart and a head. I also took some felt home with me so I could finish working on him. There's a string coming out of his chest, which is connected to his heart. There will be strings coming from the Me- and the Husband-doll, too, so I can connect them.

It's strange, I've known my Inner Helper since I was nine or ten, and I have drawn him and written stories about him quite often, but having a three dimensional symbol of him that I can hold in my hand is extremely moving; I don't know if it's in a good or in a bad way, though. My heart aches, like, real physical pain, as if it's stuck in a bench vice. So, maybe it's a bad way. Or I just need to hug him for a very long time.

I've been agitated all day, cried a bit, and I don't have any humor, let alone patience. Husband is warned about it. I'm curious if I'll be able to sleep tonight.

 

[jesse]

((((FON)))) I admire you. I don't understand why you feel guilty for talking during therapy isn't that what therapy is about? It doesn't sound like you are being disrespectful to the others in the group. Art therapy sounds pretty cool I have never tried it. Do you think it is something a person can try on their own? Any suggestions on what to do?

 

[Muzikluvr]

Freak,

Even if I don't want to say something - I CAN'T STOP MYSELF. I MUST. That's the part that gets me. Could that be a kind of Tourette's Syndrome?

Must convince them... Must convince them...

Do you think that if I can somehow get closure on that part of my trauma, then I will stop charging headlong into these battles that are blips on the radar and making them into full scale nuclear war?

So what if they think double stuffed Oreos are the cat's meow, and I know they're wrong? :roflmao:

Did you ever experience trauma of this kind of "knowing what's going on" and witnessing others completely snowed about it? Did you have to try to explain, and you couldn't find the way to make it clear to them, to make it stop?

 

[KP the nut]

(((FoN)))

Just popped in to say Hi.