Help: Asserting My Needs At My Job

[Kintsugi]

TL;DR at bottom.

Okay, so, I work for people with developmental disabilities at a state agency. It's awesome! I love it.

I've worked at three different houses thus far. At the previous two, I disclosed my PTSD to my supervisors. At this last house, I have not, because I am sick of disclosing and then moving.

I was supposed to have a meeting with my case manager (my boss's boss) a few weeks ago about something unrelated, and I told her I really needed to talk to her about something I've been wanting to talk to her about for a long time. My plan was to disclose my disability to her so that I didn't have to keep disclosing to her underlings. She's over all of them, so it would no longer matter where I moved.

Anyway, that meeting never took place. Monday, I have an extra appointment scheduled with my T. Shit has absolutely hit the fan in therapy for me, and I have been having suicidal ideation daily. I spend hours a day feeling hopeless. I contemplate calling out sick every day, but I go because I perk up after a few hours of being around people/not fixating on my own demise.

I'm supposed to work Monday, which conflicts with my appointment time. I only go to therapy once every two weeks, because that is the only time I can go with regard to my work schedule and my T's incredibly demanding schedule. I have only asked for a sick day/day off once or twice in over a year of working at this job specifically for an extra session with my therapist.

I told my manager the day after my last session that I needed monday off for a sick day, after my manager pointed out that she could tell I was not well. She sent me a text message that night (Wednesday) stating that she only had the prerequisite number of staff for my shift and the shift before. That was it. She did not say no. She did not say I cannot take the day off (because she literally is not allowed to). She basically just communicated in PC terms that she would be pissed if I took Monday off for a doctor's appointment.

I have every right to take a sick day, and she has every right to ask another house to send coverage. This is an issue of pride for her, and it is being put on me to cancel my doctor's appointment to be a team player. I don't want to upset my manager or screw over my fellow staff, but I really need to see my T on Monday. I feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper into the abyss of depression, and the ADA says I'm allowed reasonable accomodation.

I am positive that she has not taken the interceding days to arrange for coverage on Monday. I have every right to call in and say I'm too sick to work; there is nothing she can do about that, but it will obviously stress her out and piss her off. BUT she could have fixed this days ago when I notified her I needed the day off.

I think she thinks I have depression or GAD or something. I'm not saying those aren't valid reasons to take a sick day, but I wish she were taking me and my rights seriously. She knows that I have a disability, just not what it is. My T is in very high demand. It was very fortunate she had an opening for me when I needed her.

SO

TL;DR
I need a sick day monday to see my T. I said this to my supervisor and she was highly evasive. Instead of finding coverage, she implied that I should not take the day off to see my psychologist. I have been suicidal for a couple weeks and really need this appointment, which I have a right to according to my job's policies.

Do I call in sick, evading the whole thing and exercising my right to sick time? Do I send an email to my manager tomorrow explaining my disability and how badly I need this appointment? Do I send and email to my case manager tomorrow explaining the situation and disclosing my disability, telling her that I really need a sick day and my supervisor has made me feel dismissed and highly uncomfortable?

FORUM... please help me. :(

 

[2ndtimearound]

Take the day off. It is your right, you have given her fair warning, and your needs for safety and stability come before work. Always. To explain more than that to her, at least at this point, says that you need to make excuses for exercising your rights. And you don't. Disability or not, the choice to take a sick day, and to take care of yourself, rests with you. Especially since you notified her in advance. It's her job to figure out staffing and your job to take care of yourself and stay safe. You are doing exactly what you should be doing. No guilt necessary. :hug:s

 

[joeylittle]

she implied that I should not take the day off to see my psychologist.

Does she know you are seeing your psychologist, actually? In reading your post, it seemed like you hadn't disclosed.

The reason I ask is, it sounds like your boss would be having this response if you had a really bad cold, or the flu, or a sprained ankle. And, like you said, she isn't allowed to tell you that you cannot take one. If you could turn back time (cue Cher), I'd have recommended following her message:

She sent me a text message that night (Wednesday) stating that she only had the prerequisite number of staff for my shift and the shift before.

That you reply with, "I am truly sorry for the situation, but will be out Monday. Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help arrange coverage" - that last bit, only if it makes sense for your job - even if you can't help, it's an acknowledgement of the situation and creates a sense of a shared burden.

It sounds like you need the appointment, you should go ahead and keep it.

 

[Kintsugi]

@joeylittle I think she is clear that I see a psychologist, because when I started at this house, she switched my schedule, and I told her I needed Tuesday nights off every other week for a doctor's appointment on an ongoing basis. She gave me a look and said, "Gotcha." I'm not sure that sounds spectacularly clear, but I'm pretty sure she knows what sort of doctor I see, just not why.

I like the response you've generated. That gives me a lot of direction for how to word that I will in fact be taking a sick day tomorrow.

The whole situation feels so self-defeating. I've been having increasing trouble communicating, time seems to fly by without my experiencing its passing, I'm terrified of confrontation, in this place of paralysis where I feel proud just to go to work and get through what I need to do. >.< It has not been conducive to further communicating my need to take tomorrow off.

ETA: how does this sound?
"I'm really sorry that my needs put you in a difficult staffing situation, but I have taken the time to monitor and assess my health, and I have come to the conclusion that it is in the very best interest of both my continued well being and my performance as an employee to take tomorrow off in order to get the medical attention I need."

ETA part II:
She would not be having this reaction if my condition were contagious, because that could be seriously detrimental or even fatal to the health of the men we serve. At the same time, having a staff member who is dissociative at work is extremely dangerous given the medical emergencies we may encounter at my job. I just can't say that.

 

[2ndtimearound]

Personally, I think that's way too much information to give her. How about "I'm really sorry that my needs put you in a difficult staffing situation, but it is crucial that I take tomorrow off in order to get the medical attention that I need." If, at a different point, even a few days later, you want to sit down and have a more focused conversation about PTSD and what is going on, then that seems appropriate. But I just don't think she needs to know, for the purpose of you taking time off tomorrow, that you are in any sort of danger that could be misconstrued to mean so many things. You have the right to take a sick day, you gave her ample notice, and you have judged the benefit of you attending the appointment versus the staffing difficulty that you may be causing (which is NOT your fault, given the notice you gave). Whether you want to have a more detailed disclosure with your boss about the nature of your current struggles seems different than whether you have the right to take care of yourself tomorrow. Because you do. You are advocating for yourself and that is amazing work. Keep it up.

 

[joeylittle]

"I'm really sorry that my needs put you in a difficult staffing situation, but I have taken the time to monitor and assess my health, and I have come to the conclusion that it is in the very best interest of both my continued well being and my performance as an employee to take tomorrow off in order to get the medical attention I need."

Agreeing with @2ndtimearound - you don't have to apologize quite as much.

"I'm really sorry that my being ill is putting the organization in a difficult position - unfortunately, it remains necessary that I take tomorrow as a sick day, in order to get the medical attention I require." Then, if you want to follow it with: "I truly regret the inconvenience", in order to emphasize your awareness of the difficulty of the situation, go for it.

Just explaining some language changes:
Saying "my needs" allows it to be too vague and personal. "My being ill", or "my medical needs", if you wish.
Saying "put you", I realize, is also too personal - keep it about the organization.
Saying "take tomorrow off" doesn't remind her that it's a sick day, not a 'rest at home' day (if that makes sense). Calling it a sick day, again, puts it in the correct HR framework.
Using "it remains necessary" covers the fact that you have been monitoring and reflecting, without putting the onus on you - "it is in my best interest" and "it remains necessary" are saying the same thing, only one is objective and one is subjective.

Believe me - I have had to do some very, very unfortunate cancelling over the last six months. I feel like I've written this message many times over. Remember - your health is not an opinion, it just is. You aren't choosing anything here - you have a chronic condition, it is flaring, your doctor is a specialist, you need to make the appointment happen. This is what sick days are for. And no, they aren't always convenient.

Also remember - a regularly occurring appointment can be therapy, sure. But it can also be: physical therapy, acupuncture, massage therapy, AA, quaker meeting, volunteer commitment at church, caring for family/taking others to appointments.... there are probably more that I'm not thinking of. Dialysis, maybe?

While yes, it's really really easy - and normal - to worry about what people think, it's also not their business, and they know it. I think we with the mental health issues are always apt to assume what others might be thinking, but it's our own anxiety contributing to how we mind-read.

(I'm not saying you are wrong - you know your supervisor better than I do - I'm just saying that it's easy to over-worry such things, you know?)

 

[Friday]

3rd'ing not apologizing (at all, or at least so much!)

Personally I would just pen her a "to be nice" email... With a twist in the end, since she's pissed me off.

***

Good morning!

Just wanted to pen you a reminder of what we spoke of Wednesday 10/--/15, that I'll be at the doctors' today attending to a bit of a health crisis. Hoping this will forestall my needing to take several days to a few weeks off. Will let you know as soon as I do, but at this point in time I am planning on being into work tomorrow (tuesday) the day following my appointments.

All my best,
Wanna Guilt Trip Me? Spend a day in Schedule Purgatory Simon.
((Alternatively, delete Hoping Onward ;))

 

[Friday]

Also remember - a regularly occurring appointment can be therapy, sure. But it can also be: physical therapy, acupuncture, massage therapy, AA, quaker meeting, volunteer commitment at church, caring for family/taking others to appointments.... there are probably more that I'm not thinking of. Dialysis, maybe?

^^^^
This, too.

There are loads and loads of regular medical appointments, ranging from life saving (dialysis, kelation, RT, etc.), to necessary (physical therapy, psychiatric, etc. ), to human (marriage counseling, massage, etc), to FMLA (driving parent/spouse/child to appt., etc.).

If she wasn't being a complete bitch, sounds like she was fishing to see if you could cancel/move the appointment, since she's legally not allowed to ask much less prioritize work over employee healthcare. Fishing might be understandable, but part of being the boss means that you give Georgios's cardiology appt as much weight at Marks meeting with his guru.

 

[Kintsugi]

@FridayJones You are my hero in so many ways.

I actually wound up literally copy/pasting @2ndtimearound 's suggestion. I was shaking and everything. It was quite silly. My supervisor... I'm so confused. She came back at me with, "In that case, the day will not be approved, and you will have to take it as a sick day."

... I-I always wanted to take it as a sick day? I offered to take it as a regular day off if she was not willing to approve it as sick time, but... I don't get reimbursed for sick days. I get paid for my regular days off upon quitting/termination. Huh.

Whatevs. I'm putting in my notice next week. I may as well take sick days when I really need them. I love my clients, really like my team--I would not put these people in a tough situation if I did not feel it was necessary. But, y'know. Screw it. I need this damned appointment.

Thank you all for your input. I imagine I'll refer to this thread in the future a lot. :)