Yes I understand now. Wow my heart really breaks for you I wish I could help you. It sounds like from what you said you are very spiritual. Have you asked others to pray for you and with you? I am not a religious person but am spiritual and have seen prayer heal and also provide guidance. You already know that most likely but it is sometimes hard to ask others to help when it involves ourselves you know? I can recommend getting off ambien as soon as possible because it can cause severe anxiety and nightmares. I took xanax for sleep for many years so maybe that alone at a higher dose would help. My Doc switched me to 2 mg Clonazepam a few years ago and it really works. Ambien was horrible though so you might feel way better just getting off of that alone plus Clonazepam and xanax are so much cheaper. I wish I could help you with your job decision but it sounds like only you can make that decision. If applying for SSDI is going to trash your future in intel and you really want to stay in that field maybe stick with the shitty job for awhile?