Help Me Be A Better Mother For My Daughter

[Recovery4Me]

@KwanYingirl ...you are a good Mom. You are tearing yourself up to figure out the right thing to do.:hug: I felt those negative emotions (about myself) when I faced telling my son, it is part of the process. It is part of the healing.

You were a victim once, now no more. She will know how strong her mother was/is & how she managed through it. It is good to know and share stories of courage. You are one beautiful person to me.

 

[ghotiff]

I like this.....

"Share stories of courage"

 

[moonbeam]

PTSD does suck. And the self-doubt and tearing yourself up sucks too.

But I hope you can at least a little bit see how important you are to her that she wants to get to know what happened, she clearly wants you in her life! You mean a lot to her and from your posts it really sounds to me like you are a great mom and have given her a really good life.

You have done your best to shelter her from your past but she isn't a child anymore. She's an adult and you now have a brilliant but understandably scary opportunity to have a real adult relationship where she knows as much as you feel comfortable discussing. You'll always be mother-daughter but you can also be friends. Including her knowing the real you and what you've survived and how hard you've worked.

Try to remember that she loves you, wants to know and support you and you deserve to be happy!

 

[Eleanor]

Being a good mom means different things in different contexts. The principle as I see it is; do what is necessary to preserve and grow the love, and nurture virtue in your child - which will almost inevitably require nurturing virtue in yourself.

Looks from here like you (and she) are doing a super job. All systems "GO." Well done!

 

[KwanYingirl]

@moonbeam and @Eleanor you're posts are very kind. Thank you so much! I have always taken my motherhood very seriously. I was always surprised at what good instincts I had considering the toxic abuse filled childhood I had. I split myself off when I was in college and with the wonderful professors and role models I had, I developed a better opinion of myself. Whatever advice my mother would give me, I always did the opposite! And my BFF had a great Mom who helped me as my children were growing up. They really were raised in Nature, we lived without running water while we built our own home. They grazed in the garden, rescued frogs from snakes in the greenhouse, swam freely in our pond and skied all winter. I loved it all. Both of my children are kind, considerate and happy. They worked hard in college and had jobs as soon as they graduated. My daughter has volunteered in wildlife hospitals and shelters since she was 15. I am so proud of them. My son is dyslexic and when he entered college to play football, the schoole he chose to attend has the countries best support for dyslexic students. They taught him to read, he was getting A's by his Junior year and graduated with an offer for a full scholarship for a Masters in Psychology. He turned it down and went to work.

They both have always struggled with my emotional roller coasters. I feel honored that my daughter is so interested in meeting with my awesome therapist. Again, thank you all for your support.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Recovery4Me thank you for your insight. It's a little scary to think about revealing my truth but obviously the time has come to explain how this condition defines me.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@KwanYingirl :hug:

You are most gracious. As I offered, our meeting with the T allowed my son and I, a safety net during passage into that area. I wish the same for the two of you.

 

[Eleanor]

ow this condition defines me

Since I have found that words are powerful, might I suggest that this condition does not define you? I think "define" is too thorough going a term. In the current context tho, it is challenging or limiting. But a challenge can be overcome, and a limit today might be exceeded tomorrow...Definitions, by contrast (at least in my world) are made to stay fixed.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I think I understand you. You are saying replace the word 'define' and replace it with 'challenging' or 'limiting' as those are not absolutes?

 

[Eleanor]

Precisely.

Why bar the door before you see if you can get through it?

 

[KwanYingirl]

Got it:)

 

[KwanYingirl]

My meeting with my daughter and my therapist is next week. He's scheduling two hours. She is eager to go. I am ruminating about it. I'm afraid all her anger, resentment, is going to come full sail and it will be a Judy bashing meeting. My therapist and I discussed what I don't want her to know it's icky and makes me feel like a loser. I think my strategy is to be there and let my daughter and Adam do the talking. I am expecting that I'll have to defend myself-not an easy thing for me to do. Nasty anticipation.