Help Me Be A Better Mother For My Daughter

[Eleanor]

Can you look at it not as "Judy Bashing" but as "daughter venting?" It sound like your T has a plan. Defending is not the same as explaining. You don't, I expect, want to "defend" yourself - YOU are the number one person who wants your limitations not to exist. But they do. And you regret them and their consequences. And you want her to know that those actions/inactions have NOTHING to do with her, yes? There is nothing "loserish" in that. In fact, you cope pretty well and have protected her from your stuff for, what, 30 years? That doesn't exactly make you a whiner. (which would be loser-ish in my book.)

So why does it feel like you will have to defend yourself?
And why on earth would THIS make you feel like a loser?

My mom talked to my T for an hour once, what a load of crap. She didn't fool him one little bit. She did her usual "everything is perfect" act, and...he didn't bite. And how liberating was that for me when he pointed out the bits of crazy that she exhibited... So YOU are in a million times better a situation. Your daughter WANTS to understand you (my mom might have, kind of, in theory, ok, not really) and you WANT her to understand. You guys are both there to bring more honesty and understanding and trust into the relationship. What's to defend?

 

[KwanYingirl]

I like your style @Eleanor I have many negative cognitions about myself that were planted by my abusers. My family of origin who are al adults don't want to learn anything about my chemical damage and I really do have to defend myself from my sister blowing smoke in my face, spraying pesticides in her yard before family cookouts(which I no longer attend) a mother that uses the most perfume detergent I can't breathe in her house. So, I guess maybe I made the jump from that to feeling dumbfounded that a relative is really interested in knowing what's wrong with me. I feel a ton of shame. I struggle with challenging that despite the fact that I intellectually know I have nothing to be ashamed of. I'm just a textbook sexual abuse survivor...

I can be overly blunt sometimes and so can my daughter. I know I hurt people when I approach them from that vantage point, and I know I get my feelings hurt easily.

I do trust my therapist to guide the session in a productive validating manner. Fingers crossed.

 

[Eleanor]

FWIW in my professional opinion as an ethicist (and a human being) your sister and mother are extremely rude people. Even if you WERE neurotic as hell and making it all up (and I am not suggesting for a moment that you are, this stuff is all too real) it would still be TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE for them to simply disregard your extremely simple requests and go out of their way to do something the might injure you. Sheesh. Plus if they were at all compassionate and caring they could just NOTICE, it is not like we don't believe people when they get bee stings or have asthma attacks. Or report headaches. It is not so hard to see when other people are uncomfortable. I don't feed beets to people who don't like them either. My son in law doesn't like strawberries. I think that's inexplicable. But I try to remember not to have a strawberry desert when he comes over (which is a bit tough because strawberries are my go to easy desert choice.)

So you need to work on speaking the truth and being compassionate at the same time. Join the club. (And look up Non-violent communication - which really helps me in this area.;))

 

[KwanYingirl]

Thank you @Eleanor

 

[moonbeam]

Sorry late to reply.

I hope it goes well. I think the other thing to consider is that we sometimes immediately fear the worst is going to happen. I doubt it would turn into Judy-bashing.

Your daughter doesn't want to bash you, she wants to get to know, love and support the whole you (or as much as you are comfortable sharing). I'm pretty sure your therapist wouldn't let her bash you anyway. Its not in your best interest/mental health which is a priority.

This meeting should be used to have a safe place for you to tell her the things you would like while having guided support to not make you feel overwhelmed as well as to help her process it all. And means that your T (Adam?) Can help explain some of the issues you have, methods of support for you, and maybe brainstorm some ideas of things that would be beneficial to you both.

Also everything Eleanor said.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Thank you @moonbeam I am visiting my daughter in Boston this weekend. I braved a thunderstorm to get here huge accomplishment. She has a puppy now that is trying to play with Annie but he's three times her size and it's just not going well. Kelsey told me to be more courageous and let the dogs work out a relationship but I'm terrified the puppy will just take Annie like a rag doll and shake her and break her neck. We took them to the harbor and let them run and swim. That went well.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Well, today was the big day for my daughter and I. She drove up this morning to see my therapist with me. We had two hours. I was extremely anxious about this, up til yesterday I was really wanting to run and hide. I want you all to know how wonderful this visit was. My therapist is brilliant, an accomplished PTSD therapist. All my anxiety oh, hell, I hate my anxiety. He gently started by explaining to my daughter what complex PTSD is (she said later that he used the word complex a lot). I dissociated often and he'd bring me back, then he asked her if she noticed that I 'go away' sometimes and she was eager to know why I do that. She and my son feel that of all my siblings, I have the most normal children, and they credit me for that!! We talked about how difficult it is for me to be with my family of origin and I lost it. Just cried and cried and thanked her for being the one person I'm related to that cares enough about me to learn what is wrong with me. Well, he just guided us through all this and he told her he appreciated her efforts to support me and that she is welcome to contact him in the future. He explained that I struggle with emotion regulation because I was never comforted as a child. I cried about that too. I wish I had taped it because I think I dissociated and missed some of it and I had to leave for a break. She and I cried some more later today but we have a shared belief that I will improve under Adams care. Then I drove her to the condo I am buying and she loves the area and loves how freaking close I am to the beach.
I'd like to extend my gratitude to all of you that have seen me through this time and supported me.

 

[Eleanor]

Well Done @KwanYingirl and daughter!