Help Me Be A Better Partner

[LizC]

So I'm looking for practical advice really. My partner has always been the most supportive person imaginable when it comes to my PTSD he has always been patient with me and has gone to great lengths to learn how to help me, he's even taken me to the doctors when I've been in an absolute state, checks I haven't forgot my medicine, records my counselling appointments.. He's a partner come full time carer! I'm starting to worry however, that I may be reaching a point where I'm pushing him away so much that I'm actually making him feel awful. Some days I just don't want to be spoken to, touched or even have anyone in the same room as me because I become so irritable, even if he's trying to be nice, as he usually is, I always end up snapping. It's not that I choose to behave that way but half the time I don't even realise I'm doing it. I feel like there's only so much anyone can do for you. How do I help him to help me and let him know that I do appreciate him and not push him away any more? If there is anyone on here who has a partner with PTSD, how do you cope?

 

[darrenS]

your one lucky person to have such a partner, my ex wife is really good at understanding my need to isolate and when i go over her house some times with kid things - she is totally ok with my need to leave as she now understands somewhat . She has tried when i get irritable or start getting emotional flashbacks to help me but because i am in attack mode its hard for her - we are not divorced and may reconcile but one thing we have done is live seperately , we both have our own places and this gives me the chance to not only have my own place but to create a safe haven. It has made a difference and has given me the space to dig deep and do some hard work without the fear of destructing those around me. i beleive ultimately that the only way we can truly appreciate our partners is to allow them to be such and not define them into a full care giver role - as much as we have a terrible condition, it in no way gives us a excuse to act badly or treat our loved ones in any way less than loving and kind - my ex wife sets clear boundaries , she will tolerate a normal grumpiness , a flat day etc , but if i get nasty or show ptsd reactions that are unhealthy for those around me, the rule is im to leave and get my s... together , i am welcome back at any time and if i break a boundary its acted on dealt with then and never discussed again. It was hard at first but it has helped ..and it keeps all those around me healthy and more relaxed - it also makes me a lot more aware a lot earlier of my reactions , feelings etc

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think you need to be aware of when you need alone time, and when those times arise, you need to let him know that you need to be alone, well before you end up snapping on him. This is NOT pushing someone away, it is expressing a need and expecting the other person to respect your boundaries.

 

[nimkekaa]

My hubby and I are very similar to you and your partner. I know you were hoping to hear from a partner of someone with PTSD and its me that has the PTSD but after over 20 years together I can share somethings that have worked for us.
I too have leaned on my hubby and he has had to put up with so much that I couldnt understand how he stayed. Especially when I ran from him and yelled at him cause he was the only person I trusted to let out my feelings with.
He has said that the more I explain (when I can) the easier it is for him. For example I use to run away (drive to a secluded area without explaining what was going on and not tell him when I was going to come back) now I tell him I need to go for a drive and will call if I need more then an hour.
We have a code for when Im overwhelmed to the point I want to self harm and when I use the code he takes over so I can take care of myself.
I guess all Im really saying is communication and education has been the key for us. The more he understands about what Im going through and the more I help him understand why I need to do the things I do the easier it is for everyone. The hardest part for me was trying to figure out what I need so that I can explain it to him.
Oh, and telling him lots how much I appreciate all his help on my healing journey.
I wish you all the best.

 

[Alex87477]

Sounds sort of like my situation as a whole. For private reasons i couldnt date her when i met her and she was diagnosed from repressed memories after a while. She pushed me away as the onset of nightmares from her past became so frequent and damaging that she needed a therapist. After a while she pushed me more and more out of her life as she couldnt handle the deep feelings from the semi-relationship that we had but she didnt want to categorically end it. Due to the feelings that I have for her and the fact that i still see her for her, and not for what shes going through(though she doesnt see who she used to be in her anymore) I told her that i would give her complete space and that i was there for her waiting for when she can open up and wants to. Unless she categorically says its over. Honestly though it gets tough, i still have those same feelings for her even when she pushes away because that one day that she doesnt push away means so much to me. If your guy is working this hard to support you, it seem as though you just being there every now and then which it seems like you are doing, is far more than enough. The girl im supporting always says that ive only been hurt by her, She clearly doesnt know the amount of happiness i get from just seeing her and her smile every now and then. That for me makes all the pain worth it. Basically if hes supporting you, He wont take it personally and he'll be there. At least thats how i am