Help please

[LillyH]

i am so scared!
I am going through a court case for my daughter who is in foster care due to my mental health and suicide ideation from 17 years of severe domestic abuse.
Anyway I thought I was raped 6 months ago but now 3 doctors have come back and said the injuries I sustained were self inflicted and the police believe I am doing it for attention.
Firstly I have never self harmed, secondly I believe it happened but now am just seeming and sondinf more insane by the second with no one believeing me. The rape was traumatic and it would mean that somehow I had both injuries and raped myself if this is the case but I can see the man, smell him everything and so in my head it is real. I also have never wanted the police involved in my life and have always done everything to keep them away but as the DV was so severe I had a panic button which I had to press every time there was stalking going on which was regularly. Others have witnessed this so I know it must be real how ever much my protection is to pretend it is not. However now with barristers saying it is made up and my ex husband enjoying that it is all going his way and he has won by making me even look insane I am at a total loss.

Is it possible to have disassociated and then actually done this to myself. Would I know? What is wrong with me please help?

I have complex trauma and ptsd, pretty bad flashbacks and do disassociate to cope along with depression and suicide ideation and mass mass anxiety since having to see my abusive ex in court every few weeks. I have to find the strength to stand up to him, but when I am even being called a liar and insane by doctors and the police I am at a loss and I am also scared that this is me and that I have lost my mind and am now truly insane!!

My trauma psychologist believes me and has written and documented evidence to support me at the case along with others but I cannot get away from the fact that when people say I am insane and I have fabricated it all I believe them! How can the police say I want attention when I have done everything to avoid them and never ever pressed charges!

I am so scared by this illness and my own head and the thought I am creating this. Please someone help me to understand what is happening. My therapist is great but I feel like a loss cause and everything just plays into my ex hand in this court senario and he will get my little girl and just hurt her. He is a complete nutter and I am terrified for her too.

What is happening to me, why is Titus happening and what is this illness doing to my brain?!! Please someone help me understand.

 

[Ivi]

Firstly. You must know that we believe you. If your psychologist believes you as well then you've got a good one there. As far as the court, I know from experience that they will want to complete shred any confidence you have in yourself to win a case if they must. You have to stay strong, you are not losing to your illness. You are in a very stressful situation and this creates a whole load of issues with our minds and bodies.

 

[anonymous]

First of all, cops saying that to me is a complete excuse for their own inability to properly investigate and prove a case, in their defense these cases are difficult to prove and some victims tend to back out and not follow through with testifying. I also believe that this kind of trauma causes so much damage and some genuinely want to help, but are afraid that it will only cause more damage and they fail to understand the importance of the victim getting their power back.

It's absurd that they would even try to say that you 'did this to yourself'. Who the h*** would want to go through that kind of h***??? I mean if a person wanted 'attention', I can think of many other ways that they could get attention that would be much less humiliating. But, it's easier to revictimize someone beaten down, because who's ever going to help them or listen to them? That's what perpetrators do and they often are so good at it that they get away with assaulting and causing so much destruction to the victim that the victim looks crazy, but the perpetrator is a mastermind at appearing normal.

You're not insane, it's the CPTSD from the trauma that makes you feel that way. Work with your therapist, it sounds like you have a good one. Do you have an attorney to help you get your daughter back?

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

 

[LillyH]

Thank you for your replies they made me feel a bit less insane. I just find managing this really hard and don't understand what my head is doing. It's like I know it's real and has happened but then there is so many people saying it's not and as they are 'professionals' i.e. Doctors I think they must know best! But then they are not psychologists or psychiatrists and are certainly not trained in ptsd or domestic abuse. Ahhh it's all such a mine field and I am failing my daughter which is devastating!

 

[WishfulThinking123]

I am so sorry Lilly! I believe you and I know when something traumatic happens with the PTSD it is easy for our minds to want to minimize/act like it didn't happen anyways. Then when you have others feeding into that, I could imagine it would make it even harder. But, you sound strong! Stay strong and stick to your truth! I went through a messy divorce with custody/DV and I know the biggest thing they will do is try to make you back off of what you say and then say you are lying. The biggest thing you can do in court is stay strong and stick to your story no matter what they may say to make you waver or change it.

 

[LillyH]

Thank you x