T
Therese Anon
My boyfriend of 5 years suffers from PTSD and self medicates in various ways. He has shown signs of an addictive personality in the past, first with drugs, then alcohol, then sex. On his current meds he is not engaging in those activities but has taken to playing video games pretty much for the entirety of his day. I have been supporting him for 5 years and can’t afford to, and am so angry that he takes no responsibility for himself, and even gets upset with me when I can’t provide for him. He has used this illness to take no responsibility for himself. If you speak to him, he will exacerbate something that is wrong with you (eg I am overweight, and somehow every problem ends with me being called malicious names when he feels cornered). Anything I say corners him. Any imperfection sets him off and in his mind is an excusable offense because he’s “telling the truth”. I am so frustrated. HIs psychiatrist says he has PTSD. He is on a coctail but won’t take any ownership of his illness and is terrible with following through- on doctor’s appointments, or even getting up in the morning. I am writing because I would like to know this: what should I be able to hold him accountable for? His PTSD doesn’t stem from any kind of war experience, but rather from past experiences in his life (and what I believe is an unrealistic ability to deal with any stressors). I know I am not helping him when I push, but I don’t think I’m doing any favours continuing as we are because his inability/lack of desire to do anything is resulting in him feeling worse- depressed and lost, without any purpose or desire to establish a purpose. He has disengaged from me sexually, and sleeps in “his room”- the guest bed in “his office”. He has shut out the dogs which are now “my dogs” when he doesn’t want to take care of them. As a stay at home spouse, he belittles and berates me for not being a “real woman” and taking care of him when I get home from working my full time job. It is a push to get him to do anything. I have tried the laissez-faire approach and found it results in nothing at all….he is perfectly happy to play video games all day every day, and even gets angry if I don’t participate with him, suggest an alternative, or participate and don’t play at the level of competence he requires. He is demanding, and acts more like a 12 year old boy than a man a lot of the time, and makes no apologies for it, has no commitment to change. I don’t know what to do. I started dating a 30 yr old man who had aspirations for the future and now I have this mess and feel terrible- and people say “just leave him” but I know that some of it is real, and I do love him and know no one else is going to take the time to love or try to help him, and ‘tough love’ from his family has probably only exacerbated his outbursts and self-medication over the years. What is realistic for me to expect? Are there constructive things anyone can suggest for getting him to re-engage me, or should I realistically look at figuring out a way to sell my house and force him out of my life? Because at this point, he isn’t acting like a boyfriend. He’s acting like a demanding bratty teenager and using his PTSD as an excuse. I would welcome thoughts, especially from others with PTSD, as to what I should realistically expect. I am so sad and my life really sucks right now because every day I wake in a cloud of doom where I am being yelled at and put down, and a person who takes absolutely no personal responsibility at this point because of "his illness"
