General Help With A Situation

[Kim6116]

Hi all,

I am a carer for hubby and would love some advice on a situation that is really over and done with now, but should it reoccur I would like some tips on how to handle it.

So the story goes .....
I was my birthday on 6th November, a really good friend of mine who lives a couple of hours away had planned to come see me the Saturday of the weekend before. I explained to hubby a long way in advance that she would be visiting. The day of the visit he said that he didnt think he could cope with visitors or staying home alone. I explained that we hadnt planned to go out, that i would still be here with him and if he preferred he could either ask a mate over as well or we could stay in another room, but i would be there if he needed. Basically he didnt like any of those ideas and i had to cancel her. We reorganised for a couple of weeks later which i told hubby about, but he organised to go to a bbq of a very distant friend the same night (and he hates going to bbqs where he knows not many people). He said he would be very upset if i didnt go and so again i cancelled. Replanned again for the next Friday - surprise suprise he has decided to go on a golf day and needs me to pick him up, which means i cant have a couple of wines.

I understand or at least i try to understand what he is going through - but surely i am entitled to a night with a good friend for my birthday - mind you all this was at home and purposely at home so i could be here for him - i wasnt going anywhere. Its like sometimes he wants me to himself and i dont know how to deal with that.

I will always be there - thats why i organised to spend the night at home and have a few wines - celebrate my birthday and still be able to be there for him - i have no idea what to do if this happens again. - any suggestions or advice would be great. Thanks heaps
Kim

 

[Nicolette]

Hi Kim....as I see it you have only two options and I don't think hubby will like either:

1. You invite your friend over and don't tell hubby in advance
2. You invite your friend, telling hubby in advance and when he pulls his plans out you tell him you'll organise for a cab to pick him up or suggest he ring a mate if he needs company to go somewhere.

I'm sorry to be so direct but I figure if you don't stop this now you won't have a life of your own left before too long. You hit the nail on the head thinking he wants you only to himself. Watch out that it doesn't turn into a form of control.

Good luck.

 

[TLight]

I agree with Nicolette;
This is his illness and he needs to work on strategies for coping instead of relying on you. The effect of you continuing to do this would only be enabling him to stay stuck.........although a concession here and there would be a way to show compassion and understanding and I don't think would hurt too much......but if he doesn't start expanding his world bit by little bit.......he might never get better.

 

[Kim6116]

Thanks for the advice Nicolette and TLight. I understand that is exactly what I have to do, its just very difficult for me to do something that I know will upset him. I am beginning to see myself get into a "rut" and I know that isnt good for either one of us. I am going to call her today and invite her up this weekend ..... with absolutely NO change in plans.

 

[lost girl]

Sometimes I have to just let my boyfriend be unhappy. I try very hard not to screw with his head. I tell him in advance what my plans are and I answer questions as openly and as truthfully as possible.

It's a little hard because sometimes he seems suspicious and accusatory and when that happens (is this a part of my disorder?), I immediately feel guilty and like I've done something wrong.

I try to force myself to live my life anyway. Sometimes he reacts very badly to my behavior (or how he perceives it) and no amount of soothing or explaining will make things better. I have figured out though that I can't avoid his symptoms without severely, severely limiting my life. Which, honestly, I think I've done. And still the his symptoms, his triggers happen.

So what I tell myself is that I owe him my honesty if nothing else. When he has a bad reaction, it takes 24 to 48 hours for him to come down from it. So far, he still loves me, but the wear and tear of having an unpredictible human in his life is difficult for him. He may be happier without me in the end.

Thankfully, he's one who is fine with being alone. He hates being observed by anybody and his first instinct is to isolate. But he still does some stuff that feels like controlling behaviors and I've aquiesced to the things that seem unimportant or unnecessary to my happiness. I don't know if that was the right decision as my life feels very boxed in right now and he has come to expect me to bend or continue bending in order to increase his comfort.

 

[Joey Padula]

Dear Kim,

Honestly i think true and pure communication is best. You need to talk with your husband about what you think. Do this in the most gentle and loving way. Keeping your thoughts and feelings over something in a relationship because it is distasteful will only fester and cause bigger problems.

 

[Nicolette]

How'd you go Kim? Did you have your friend over?

 

[Deleted member 1606]

Kim, is it possible he's doing this because he's afraid of losing your attention? If you think that's possible, that's one more thing to discuss with him.