Relationship Help with avoidant relationship

[chinchin]

My partner (35m) and I have been in a weird "relationship" for 5 years. He has deep commitment issue due to severe unhealed childhood trauma. Before me he was single for over 10 years and that was his one and only relationship. We were friends for ages and spent so much time together and spoke everyday, but things really fell apart after he finally asked me out officially.

A few weeks ago he dumped me again (for the second time) and decided that he needs to figure himself out and that he is unsure of me. Apparently he has been unsure of me from the beginning (but could not say why). He says that he gets anxiety and is confused if that anxiety is because of me or because of his commitment issues and unhealed trauma. When he came back he was really warm and loving but not long after was struggling again and became cold and distant. He started online therapy a few months ago when he left the first time and suddenly became super religiously devout but he is still struggling a lot.

I really love him and wish I could help. I have been patient, supportive and have been there for him like no one ever has his whole life. He has never experienced a good relationship with anyone before, not family nor friends and has never had good role models or positive women influences in his life. He says he loves me too, and I know that he does, I can see it and I feel it, but then he suddenly turns cold and harsh and pushes me away when things get close. I'm really distraught. I haven't had a gread childhood either so I was happy for things to progress slowly, but he really has had a terrible childhood full of neglect and various forms of abuse. I don't expect things to magically be resolved. From what he has told me I also feel like his therapist has encouraged him to leave again, he mentioned them saying something about needing time to mourn and his priest told him he needs to "make a descision", which I feel left him cornered. Last week he sent a text that he appreciates me but hasn't replied to any of my messages since.

Am I crazy to hold on? What can I do? I feel like I can't let go, nor do I want to. I believe in sticking through thick and thin. I really love him and I am struggling too. I've done my best to be informed on how to support a loved one that is a trauma survivor but it's so difficult when you become the target of resentment. I'm really broken hearted and hoping to hear from someone that can give me some advice or hope to go on. I don't have anyone I can talk to. Please be kind, I'm in such a dark place. Feel free to DM me if you don't feel comfortable to speak publicly

 

[parrotthepolly]

We don't do DMs here. A profile post / status update and trauma diaries are only accessible by members tho and don't show up in search engines.

Do you think you also have attachment issues from a rough childhood or really love him? That's something to think about.

I feel like it's easier to get along as friends first so it's not too much of a commitment. Just the label of being in a relationship can be a lot of pressure if it's severe. Has therapy helped him in any way?

 

[chinchin]

Ah ok, I didn't realise about the DMs. I'm only new here.

Yes, I believe I do really love him. I've been in terrible and abusive relationships in the past, and had an avoidant tendency myself - they were LDR, which suited me perfectly. Those were definitely related to my own issues for sure, as well as causing new issues as well.

But this relationship is different for me. From the start I was aware of attachment styles and my own issues and made a conscious effort to change me pattern behaviour.

Yes, the pressure of a label was definitely an issue for him, it's like he went into shutdown as soon as it was established when in reality the dynamics of our relationship were exactly the same, nothing changed but it was a trigger for him.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

I filed for divorce last Monday over a similar situation. I have PTSD and my wife has her own avoidant attachment issues. Ultimately. It came down to whether both of us were going to do the work needed to save the marriage and she wasn’t. End of story, life goes on. Yes there is pain but also optimism for the future.

 

[Ecdysis]

Ohhh yes, been there, done that, got the t-shirt and OMG was it painful...

A Jungian therapist said something very wise to me the other day along the lines of: Sometimes it's not good to love the potential in someone too much. When you're someone who's very good at seeing the potential in others, sometimes that's all you'll ever get. It will be this potential that is always there and you're staring at that potential and loving it... but it is never realised, it never becomes reality. Sometimes you have to take your eyes off the potential and look at what actually *is* right here, right now and accept that that's all you'll ever get from this person.

Edit to add: Another deeply helpful thing that I have learned is this: Sometimes there's a reason why our soul connects to the soul of another person. And that can have more to do with our own journey and their journey, than any journey you might go on together. For example, your almost-partner's journey may be to figure out what he wants from life and whether he's able to even have a relationship or what he needs to do to heal enough to be in a relationship. Your journey may be to figure out why you put up with an almost-relationship that doesn't meet your needs. Is that something you had to do in childhood and you're repeating it now? Maybe your journey is to learn to say "no" to that and to reach for more in life. It can be deeply confusing, because if our soul and the other person's soul come together because we both have to learn something deep like that, it can feel like such an intense connection and that can feel like "surely that means we should be in a romantic relationship". It's completely natural to confuse the intensity of "our souls have a mutual learning task to complete together" with the intensity of a romantic relationship. And it can be incredibly difficult to untangle that and to work out what your soul needs to do on your journey.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

Ohhh yes, been there, done that, got the t-shirt and OMG was it painful...

A Jungian therapist said something very wise to me the other day along the lines of: Sometimes it's not good to love the potential in someone too much. When you're someone who's very good at seeing the potential in others, sometimes that's all you'll ever get. It will be this potential that is always there and you're staring at that potential and loving it... but it is never realised, it never becomes reality. Sometimes you have to take your eyes off the potential and look at what actually *is* right here, right now and accept that that's all you'll ever get from this person.

Edit to add: Another deeply helpful thing that I have learned is this: Sometimes there's a reason why our soul connects to the soul of another person. And that can have more to do with our own journey and their journey, than any journey you might go on together. For example, your almost-partner's journey may be to figure out what he wants from life and whether he's able to even have a relationship or what he needs to do to heal enough to be in a relationship. Your journey may be to figure out why you put up with an almost-relationship that doesn't meet your needs. Is that something you had to do in childhood and you're repeating it now? Maybe your journey is to learn to say "no" to that and to reach for more in life. It can be deeply confusing, because if our soul and the other person's soul come together because we both have to learn something deep like that, it can feel like such an intense connection and that can feel like "surely that means we should be in a romantic relationship". It's completely natural to confuse the intensity of "our souls have a mutual learning task to complete together" with the intensity of a romantic relationship. And it can be incredibly difficult to untangle that and to work out what your soul needs to do on your journey.

You said a lot in those two paragraphs. Thank you.

 

[Ecdysis]

You said a lot in those two paragraphs. Thank you.

Yup... 10 years of agony condensed into 2 paragraphs

 

[Lost in the Woods]

Compared to me you are a fast learner.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think for those of us who are avoidant, let alone ptsd, love isn't joyful it can feel fearful or painful. It takes a million small things to earn trust. But it also takes a choice to risk someone is a safe person/ safe place/ space. Or to accept that can be true.

 

[chinchin]

I filed for divorce last Monday over a similar situation. I have PTSD and my wife has her own avoidant attachment issues. Ultimately. It came down to whether both of us were going to do the work needed to save the marriage and she wasn’t. End of story, life goes on. Yes there is pain but also optimism for the future.

Sorry to hear that. I can't say I feel any optimism for the future right now, but wish you all the best.

Ohhh yes, been there, done that, got the t-shirt and OMG was it painful...

A Jungian therapist said something very wise to me the other day along the lines of: Sometimes it's not good to love the potential in someone too much. When you're someone who's very good at seeing the potential in others, sometimes that's all you'll ever get. It will be this potential that is always there and you're staring at that potential and loving it... but it is never realised, it never becomes reality. Sometimes you have to take your eyes off the potential and look at what actually *is* right here, right now and accept that that's all you'll ever get from this person.

Edit to add: Another deeply helpful thing that I have learned is this: Sometimes there's a reason why our soul connects to the soul of another person. And that can have more to do with our own journey and their journey, than any journey you might go on together. For example, your almost-partner's journey may be to figure out what he wants from life and whether he's able to even have a relationship or what he needs to do to heal enough to be in a relationship. Your journey may be to figure out why you put up with an almost-relationship that doesn't meet your needs. Is that something you had to do in childhood and you're repeating it now? Maybe your journey is to learn to say "no" to that and to reach for more in life. It can be deeply confusing, because if our soul and the other person's soul come together because we both have to learn something deep like that, it can feel like such an intense connection and that can feel like "surely that means we should be in a romantic relationship". It's completely natural to confuse the intensity of "our souls have a mutual learning task to complete together" with the intensity of a romantic relationship. And it can be incredibly difficult to untangle that and to work out what your soul needs to do on your journey.

Yes, I've been leaning a lot about Jungian psychology. What you say is definitely one way of looking at it. Another Jungian concept I've been looking into is that finding someone that you are so deeply connected to will bring out these issues within yourself as a response to that deep connection. I think this is how I'm feeling and why I'm finding this so immensely heartbreaking. I feel like through our connection he was finally able to open up to his fears and confront his trauma for the very first time, and I for once actually wanted this to work, however he has now pushed me out of the picture as a result. It's really hard to accept that this whole relationship has been nothing more than a mere lesson... Why does life have to be so painful? Why can't life's lessons be gentle and kind

 

[Muttly]

A Jungian therapist said something very wise to me the other day along the lines of: Sometimes it's not good to love the potential in someone too much.

This is incredibly wise.

I feel like through our connection he was finally able to open up to his fears and confront his trauma for the very first time, and I for once actually wanted this to work, however he has now pushed me out of the picture as a result. It's really hard to accept that this whole relationship has been nothing more than a mere lesson... Why does life have to be so painful? Why can't life's lessons be gentle and kind

those are hard feelings

I think your relationship can be looked at as more than a mere lesson though. I am assuming it had good times which matter even if right now the hurt is too big to feel it.