I have some questions for those of you who have remembered past abuse after forgetting/repressing/dissociating for a long time. Especially anyone who was abused at a very young age (e.g. before age 8 or so). I'm really struggling with this. Apologies if I'm rehashing stuff people have answered before. And apologies if this seems really disjointed. So much is happening so fast for me that I can't keep track too well.
Short version for anyone who hasn't read some of the other stuff I've posted: I ended up in trauma therapy after a year+ of chronic, disabling sacral/hip pain that stopped all athletic activity and makes it so it is painful to walk. A bodyworker suggested I try therapy. Over the past few months, in addition to being diagnosed with PTSD, I've developed increasingly intrusive and intense involuntary body and facial movements, additional pain (in neck and side), some other physical symptoms (pins and needles in arm, itching in hands and neck), and increasingly intrusive fragments of memory, "voices" in my head, and actual memories of many things I had forgotten.
I know I have some attachment issues because I was an unwanted pregnancy, and in an orphanage for at least two months before I was adopted (how long isn't totally clear). I was adopted into, and the only child of, a dysfunctional couple (alcoholism, personality disorders, anxiety & depression, suicidality, etc.). I know I was a victim of emotional abandonment and emotional abuse (I am just now realizing this). Despite this, as far as I know from their perspective, my parents loved me and took care of me and taught me how to behave "normally" in the outside world. To any outsider, we looked like a very closely knit and highly functional family. Most of this stuff I know is true. A lot of specific memories have come to the surface, and with this stuff, I really just struggle to acknowledge and feel how deeply it all affected me. I am pretty much numbed out to all of it--I recognize it cognitively, and how it has really screwed up my identity and my self-esteem. BUT...
I am also intuiting that some other thing(s) happened to me that I have completely blocked out...things that are coming out through my body and through intrusive thoughts and bits of memory. So here are some questions...
Do you think body movements that seem to mimic flinching, twisting away, shaking head "no" relate to some blocked out victimization? Very little emotion other than anxiety and revulsion are attached to these movements. (And, of course, now that they're getting worse, shame if anyone were to see me behaving this way!)
I remember thinking about sexual stuff between boys and girls at a very young age (e.g. 3 or 4)...not like adult sexual fantasy, but stuff about control and body parts, etc. (to say more might be too graphic here). These went on for a long time...I don't remember when they ended but it was before adolescence. I can't figure out from internet searches if this is normal or not? I do remember my mother making me feel deeply ashamed for drawings I made and for some sexual play/acting out, but that could have just been her own hangups about anything sexual.
I have this recurring "sense" of being punched in the face, being pushed back and down, being unable to move, feeling trapped and afraid. This could just be me physicalizing how I felt about being trapped in an emotionally unsafe home. I don't know? And, I have an aversion to certain words, smells, and behaviors in people.
Finally, some "pictures" of terrible things have entered my consciousness. They keep coming up. They are several different things that would indicate multiple instances of violation by different "perpetrators." Each of the scenes have aspects to them that reflect actual things I do remember (e.g., I know I developed a phobia about the toilet when I was around 3 years old (my parents have never let me forget that), and baths have always made me anxious on some deep level). But the connections are pretty shaky. Multiple instances of abuse by different people makes no sense to me at all, and makes me think that my mind is creating them to try to explain or justify my intuitions about abuse.
Yet, just recently, a memory emerged from when I was in college. I know something happened because I remember the bed (not mine), and physical symptoms upon waking in the morning, and going to a doctor that day and getting diagnosed with a UTI, then returning to that room and that bed because for some reason I could not return to my dorm room and I was far too sick (fever, etc.) to do anything but go to sleep. I have no recollection of whose room it was, who was there other than that it was boys, what actually happened the night before, or why in the world I couldn't return to my own room. This is deeply disturbing.
Okay...I'll stop now. I know these things may all become clear over time and with therapy. I'm just wondering if any of this stuff is consistent with other people's experiences. I guess I'm just reaching out, needing something. Thanks.
Short version for anyone who hasn't read some of the other stuff I've posted: I ended up in trauma therapy after a year+ of chronic, disabling sacral/hip pain that stopped all athletic activity and makes it so it is painful to walk. A bodyworker suggested I try therapy. Over the past few months, in addition to being diagnosed with PTSD, I've developed increasingly intrusive and intense involuntary body and facial movements, additional pain (in neck and side), some other physical symptoms (pins and needles in arm, itching in hands and neck), and increasingly intrusive fragments of memory, "voices" in my head, and actual memories of many things I had forgotten.
I know I have some attachment issues because I was an unwanted pregnancy, and in an orphanage for at least two months before I was adopted (how long isn't totally clear). I was adopted into, and the only child of, a dysfunctional couple (alcoholism, personality disorders, anxiety & depression, suicidality, etc.). I know I was a victim of emotional abandonment and emotional abuse (I am just now realizing this). Despite this, as far as I know from their perspective, my parents loved me and took care of me and taught me how to behave "normally" in the outside world. To any outsider, we looked like a very closely knit and highly functional family. Most of this stuff I know is true. A lot of specific memories have come to the surface, and with this stuff, I really just struggle to acknowledge and feel how deeply it all affected me. I am pretty much numbed out to all of it--I recognize it cognitively, and how it has really screwed up my identity and my self-esteem. BUT...
I am also intuiting that some other thing(s) happened to me that I have completely blocked out...things that are coming out through my body and through intrusive thoughts and bits of memory. So here are some questions...
Do you think body movements that seem to mimic flinching, twisting away, shaking head "no" relate to some blocked out victimization? Very little emotion other than anxiety and revulsion are attached to these movements. (And, of course, now that they're getting worse, shame if anyone were to see me behaving this way!)
I remember thinking about sexual stuff between boys and girls at a very young age (e.g. 3 or 4)...not like adult sexual fantasy, but stuff about control and body parts, etc. (to say more might be too graphic here). These went on for a long time...I don't remember when they ended but it was before adolescence. I can't figure out from internet searches if this is normal or not? I do remember my mother making me feel deeply ashamed for drawings I made and for some sexual play/acting out, but that could have just been her own hangups about anything sexual.
I have this recurring "sense" of being punched in the face, being pushed back and down, being unable to move, feeling trapped and afraid. This could just be me physicalizing how I felt about being trapped in an emotionally unsafe home. I don't know? And, I have an aversion to certain words, smells, and behaviors in people.
Finally, some "pictures" of terrible things have entered my consciousness. They keep coming up. They are several different things that would indicate multiple instances of violation by different "perpetrators." Each of the scenes have aspects to them that reflect actual things I do remember (e.g., I know I developed a phobia about the toilet when I was around 3 years old (my parents have never let me forget that), and baths have always made me anxious on some deep level). But the connections are pretty shaky. Multiple instances of abuse by different people makes no sense to me at all, and makes me think that my mind is creating them to try to explain or justify my intuitions about abuse.
Yet, just recently, a memory emerged from when I was in college. I know something happened because I remember the bed (not mine), and physical symptoms upon waking in the morning, and going to a doctor that day and getting diagnosed with a UTI, then returning to that room and that bed because for some reason I could not return to my dorm room and I was far too sick (fever, etc.) to do anything but go to sleep. I have no recollection of whose room it was, who was there other than that it was boys, what actually happened the night before, or why in the world I couldn't return to my own room. This is deeply disturbing.
Okay...I'll stop now. I know these things may all become clear over time and with therapy. I'm just wondering if any of this stuff is consistent with other people's experiences. I guess I'm just reaching out, needing something. Thanks.
