Sufferer Help with cptsd. 5yo daughter removed from my care, fighting to get her back.

[LillyH]

Help and support needed please.

I have complex ptsd and am feeling like I cannot cope and have no where left to turn.

My 5yr old daughter was removed from my care and taken into foster care 6 months ago after I was sexually assaulted at home (my little girl was not there as she was at school) but the police seized my therapy diaries and read my entries where I talked about taking my life multiple times and on 2 times where I had contemplated taking my daughters (please know these were for therapy and I would NEVER hurt my little girl, it was just exploring my thoughts of hopelessness after the 2 years of stalking and harassment where I believe my ex paid for people to make me believe I was going insane). I guess it was money well spent as it worked and he achieved his ultimate abusive aim of taking the final thing away from me which was our daughter.

Basically I have been in a severely abusive relationship that ended 2 years ago. Physical sexual and psyclogical abuse, just horrid and I am humiliated by what he has done to me.
For the last 2 years I have been stalked and harassed repeatedly including raped by strangers who have been paid by my ex and then having my daughter removed means I have nothing left.

I am now in the court system fighting for my 5 year old back but yet no one believes me and there is a corrupt police person (I know it sounds unbelievable but it's true) who had made everyone believe it is me doing this but it is not and I am scared. Social services are so powerful and my ex is having the time of his life now legally abusing me with the system.

The court case intensifies my flashbacks and my anxiety is through the roof as I have to see him and sit 3 seats away with no protection and as I said no one believing me anyway!

This evil illness cptsd due to the extent and amount of incidents he did to me means I cannot remember exact dates and times for the abuse and incidents makes it impossible to win this case and he knows that about me and him and his barrister are using it! At this rate he is going to win and then he will hurt my daughter as punishment to me. He is evil.

I don't know what to do anymore. I am so scared I am losing her and my mental illness just keeps the system continually working against me. This illness is cruel. When I see him in court I want to run over and apologise for breaking our code of silence and telling the court about the abuse. He is in my veins in my blood and he terrifies me. I need to prove the DV To keep my daughter safe but I am powerless and he is winning due to my mental insantity that he caused. He is evil to the core and will hurt her and I don't know what to do. I have a 10 day trial where I am on the stand and will be battered by his barrister for 3 whole days! I just don't know if I can withstand it.

I am broken and terrified for my poor little girl and so I see no way out. If I die will someone finally believe me and take notice of the danger she is in or will he just win.

How can I manage this illness and get through this time and not let him win.

Please someone help me I have never felt so scared and alone.

 

[Friday]

. If I die will someone finally believe me and take notice of the danger she is in or will he just win.

From a fairly similar situation... He'll not only win, but any symptoms of the abuse he does to her will be blamed on you, since it's clearly :rolleyes: the trauma of her mom's suicide that is causing her difficulties, not ongoing abuse by her father. Your death would also garner him heaps of sympathy (The poor man, struggling on so valiantly blah blah blah blah) :wtf:, as well as anyone might actually catch him being abusive? Again, his behavior will be blamed on you; grief and being a single father of a child distraught by her mother's death, and let's just give the poor man some time, blah blah blah :wtf: So rather than make it more likely someone will do something? You dying would make it far less likely anyone would notice, and far easier for your child to be hurt.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Welcome, Lilly, I'm glad you found us! First, I just want to say that many (all?) mothers have thoughts about killing their children. Try not to feel guilty for being honest with yourself.

What's your mental health system like? Are you in treatment? That's probably the first thing a judge would want to know. Can you get access to an advocate? With the history of abuse between you and your ex, an advocate might me very helpful for you.

Nothing is over until it's over. Time to get your game face on.

 

[Justmehere]

Welcome to the forums. I believe you when you say you are facing a coorupt police officer and a legal system that is running you over. You are spent alone in that...

Have you been in contact with any domestic violence shelters or advocacy centers? Sometimes they might know of options. You need your own advocate, if at all possible. In the US, some DV shelters even have court advocates. Is this an option for you?

If you die they will shrug off your concerns all the more. That's the stigma of mental health and suicide. Stay alive. Fight. Don't give up hope. She needs her mom alive. Even if the worst happens and you lose in court, she is much better off with you alive.

Use crisis lines and crisis chat services when you need too. And take it one step at a time.

 

[Muted]

Is there a women's shelter where you live? They can help you!!

 

[LillyH]

Thank you all for your replies they are very helpful. I see an amazing clinical psychologist weekly who is very helpful but my actual trauma treatment is on hold she is doing crisis management more due to the ongoing trauma means I am not in a stable place to deal with this and do the actual trauma work but it has taken over 2 years of seeing her to actually trust her which is insane in its own right.

As for an advocate I am seeing Womans aid, a Dv, person on Thursday this week as I also realised I just cannot do this alone and need help.

I feel so down today as it is her 5th birthday and I don't get to see her until Tuesday. It just seems so unfair that being ill with ptsd and feeling suicidal means you your child is removed. Surely they are suppose to help, not send you over the edge.

 

[LillyH]

Thank you.

It's my daughters birthday today and it is so much harder than I thought being apart froM her. I don't want to get up and I just want to be alone in bed.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I'm constantly being reminded that our suffering never ends. It is unfair, no question. I wish we could take your pain from you, but at least we can offer you support and companionship. ***hugs***

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

From someone who's been shafted by various systems many times, I believe you and I'm pissed off that it keeps happening. I'm so sorry they're choosing to (and allowed to) handle things this way. My heart sends your and your birthday girl's hearts a huge hug and thoughts of strength to plow through their bullshit as best you can. Take good care of you.

 

[LillyH]

Thank you both so much for your support right now x

 

[OneToughCookie]

Hi, Lilly.

Your story is heartbreaking. I can understand why your circumstances have been triggering suicidal thoughts for you. It sounds like you have two main problems: ongoing abuse from your husband combined with distrust from the system, and the absence of your daughter along with a lack of coping skills and emotional support. It seems to me that two main strategies will help you survive this time and get your daughter back.

I'm guessing that in court you are trying to show you are a fit mother. I think a better or supplementary tactic would be showing the potential additional post-traumatic stress to your daughter due to parental separation. If you read up on the topic, you will see that when small children experience prolonged separation from their mothers, they experience severe psychological stress. If you can argue on behalf of the current well-being of your daughter, you will show you are of sound mind, and that being with a severely struggling mother who loves her is better for her than being apart from her mother. To cope with the ongoing high levels of stress due to the antagonism of the system, you will need to focus on caring for yourself.

The absence of your daughter is clearly very distressing for you, and you hare having a very hard time coping. I, too, suffer from suicidal ideation, but my levels decrease as my coping skills increase. I'm going to go ahead and make a list of crisis management skills for you so you can incorporate as many as possible.
1. Try Happify, a website that measures your current level of happiness, and helps bring you to higher levels through online exercises and games.
2. When you are extremely emotionally charged and in fight-or-flight/ unable to think, a.) hold your face in a bowl of cold water or put a cold pack on your eyes and cheeks and/or b.) slow your breath down to five to six breaths per minute. Chilling your face while holding your breath works to take your body out of fight-or-flight because it simulates jumping into cold water. When you jump into cold water, blood moves from your extremities to your vital organs, including your brain. When you're in fight-or-flight, the opposite happens. Blood moves to your extremities so you're ready to move. Slowing down your breathing works in the same way.
3. Distract yourself with:
Activities
- Clean a room in your house
- Call or go out with a friend
- Build something
- Play cards
- Read magazines, books, or comics, preferably with a friend!
Contributing
- Find volunteer work to do
- Help a friend or family member
- Call or send an instant message encouraging someone or just saying hi
- Do something thoughtful
Comparisons
- Think about people coping the same as you or less well than you
Emotions
- Watch emotional TV shows or go to emotional movies, heartwarming ones are particularly effective
Pushing away
- Notice ruminating, and yell "No!" in your mind
- Put the pain on a shelf. Box it up and put it away for a while
Thoughts
- Count to 10; count colors in a painting or poster or out the window; count anything
- Repeat words to a song in your mind
Sensations
- Take a hot or cold shower
4. Soothe yourself with:
Vision
- Make one space in a room pleasing to look at
- Go to a museum or poster shop with beautiful art
- Take a walk in a park or a scenic hike
- Watch a sunrise or sunset
Hearing
- Listen to soothing music
- Pay attention to the sounds of nature or play them online
- Sing to your favorite songs
- Burn a CD or make a mix with music that will get you through tough times. Turn it on
- Listen to your breath
Smell
- Burn incense or light a scented candle
- Open a package of coffee and inhale the aroma
- Make cookies
- Walk in a wooded area and mindfully breathe in the fresh smells of nature
Taste
- Eat macaroni and cheese or another favorite childhood food
- Really taste the food you eat. Eat one thing mindfully
Touch
- Take a long hot bath or shower
- Pet your dog or cat
- Have a massage. Soak your feet
- Put creamy lotion on your whole body
- Put on a blouse or shirt that has a pleasant feel
- Run your hand along smooth wood
- Hug someone
- Wrap up in a blanket
- Notice touch that is soothing
5. Improve the Moment with:
Imagery
- Imagine very relaxing scenes
- Imagine a secret room within yourself. Furnish it the way you like. Close and lock the door on anything that can hurt you.
- Imagine everything going well
- Make up a calming fantasy world
- Imagine hurtful emotions draining out of you like water out of a pipe
- Remember a happy time and imagine yourself in it again; play out the time in your mind again
Meaning
- Find purpose or meaning in a painful situation
- Focus on whatever positive aspects of a painful situation you can find
Relaxing Actions
- Take a hot bath or sit in a hot tub
- Drink hot milk
- Massage your neck and scalp
- Practice yoga or other stretching
- Breathe deeply
- Change your facial expression
One thing in the moment
- Focus your entire attention on just what you are doing
Vacation
- Give yourself a brief vacation
- Get in bed; pull the covers up over your head
- Get a magazine and read it with chocolates
- Turn off your phone for a day
- Take a 1-hour breather from hard work
Encouragement and rethinking the situation
- Cheerlead yourself: "You go, girl. You can do it!!!"
- "I will make it out of this"
- "I'm doing the best I can."
- "I can stand it."
- "I will be OK."
- "It won't last forever."
- List and then practice rethoughts that are particularly important in your crisis situations (e.g. The fact that he did not pick me up doesn't mean he doesn't love me)

Please try as many of these as you can. We're all rooting for you. You CAN do this!!!!!!!!!!!! *huge hug*

 

[LillyH]

Oh my gosh thank you so so much! There are so many things here that I never thought about doing and after a terrible nights sleep of severe nightmares some really good ways to get me through today. Really thank you.
You also mentioned about something I could do in Court as my daughter is suffering badly as she has witnessed some of the abuse however much for years I tried to kid myself that she hadn't. The worse part of this illness was when I had a severe flashback and realised she was in the room during the drowning and I realised why she hated swimming and putting her head under water. The worse part was up until this point I had told everyone she had Only ever seen me get smacked, nothing major, so to realise I was complicit in her witnesses this sent me into a complete spiral as I had completely disassociated from it and I felt like the worse mother and still do. No child should ever see this and it was my job to protect her as she was only 2 and I didn't! Anyway I then also realised that what I had said to social services and the police all this time of her not seeing anything was also a lie and that I was a liar. I never meant to lie but I didn't know conciously about it until these flashbacks. Anyway when she was living with me we did play therapy and art therapy where she also let out through drawing that she had seen me burned. I just cannot come to terms with how much I have hurt her especially when I always thought I was protecting her. As the trauma has increased along with my symptoms since she was taken away I am now afraid that I deserved her to be removed as I am clearly and unfit mother after all. We have an insanely close bond though after 3 stays in refuges together and moving all over the country trying to hide from my ex. I love her and put her first in everything I conciously do but maybe I am actually a shit mother and I deserve for her sake not to be with me. But the social worker says I am a good mother and we have a very close bond and this system is determined to break that between us which is killing me and also her. She cannot get her head round what is happening and everyone is just telling her mommy is sick that's why she cannot come home but when we see each other at Contact I don't look or act sick so she is confused. The last thing I ever want to do is harm her anymore than I already have but I want her back for my well being and also more importantly for her emotional wellbeing as they are hurting her so badly with all this. She keeps asking when she can come home and I cannot answer now the court case has been extended for another 6 months! I just don't know how to cope for either of us.

If you could let me have the websites you spoke of here I would really appreciate being able to give them to my barrister. Anything would be good right now as I said I am being crippled in court by this illness and my ex-husbands understanding of how to keep this up. I know if he gets her he will cause her serious injury so I have to save her as no one else can.

If you can send me the web details I would so appreciate it.

Thank you for listening and caring at this horrible time. I hAve never felt so alone so thank you.