General Help With My Girlfriend

[isrealsson01]

Hello, I stumbled across this forum yesterday while searching desperately for anything on the internet to help me with this ongoing problem I have with my girlfriend. We have been together for a year and a half and I am so in love with her. She is a complete joy in my life and 90% of the time I am sooo happy.

After a few months of dating, we moved in together. Besides knowing about her past depression (she has scars on her writsts), She never told me about her PTSD until about 6 months into our relationship she started to show random behavioral differences. For awhile I thought she was bipolar. One time she ran out of our apartment and ran away for about an hour saying she hated me and while she was gone I looked up what all the medicine she had been taking nightly and what it was used for. Finally after I questioned her about it, she explained that she had PTSD that was brought on by childhood experiences. To make things worse, shes Japanese and I am American. Her english is getting alot better but my Japanese is about as good as a 6 year old child would be growing up in Japan. Sometimes I missinturprit what she is trying to say and that makes things twice as difficult. Ontop of all this, im not totally into horoscopes but shes a cancer. Thanksgiving, she stayed with me at my parents house and the night before the holiday she got depressed and hacked into my email only to find an email she "thought was me talking about her to my exgf" (which it wasnt). She spent the entire thanksgiving day ignoring me right infront of my family and continued to ingnore me for 2 more days when finally i exploded on her and told her how selfish she had been and she tried to make up for it and and was really apologetic. Christmas came, and she wanted to break up with me Christmas morning because the UGG boots i got her were the wrong size and color. She had never had a Christmas before and she didnt even aknowledge that I had got her a stocking and spent my entire paycheck on those boots. She just saw what she wanted to see. She then told me I have no idea what PTSD is and that it was my responsability to do research on it. I did and didnt come up with enough at the time to be able to handle alot of her outburts. She ruined my birthday and our anniversary. Now after reading about PTSD I realize that this happens to sufferers during holidays especially since alot of her attacks happen when love should be the experince out of the holiday. She did not have that kind of love that i had growing up and I think that is the biggest obstacle. Since then, things have gotten EXTREMELY better. She started getting help and then after a few months her visa was up and she had to go back to Japan. We have been doing the long distance thing for about 4 or 5 months now and since then, she has come to see me for 2 weeks and I plan to go see her 3 weeks from now in Japan. A few weeks ago she had a really random unexpected outburst. She wouldnt answer her phone all day or night. Finally i got a response back and all she said was "I DONT WANT TO TALK TO ANYONE RIGHT NOW!!!" So i told her ok I hope your allright and ill talk to you soon. I texted her the next morning and she goes "Goodmorning!!! :) " like nothing ever happend!!! I didnt want to get her upset so i just went with it and she never brought it up and never explained what happend. All i asked is are you feeling better and she said yes.
Finally, Yesturday, after I spent 1000+ dollars and sold prize possesions on ebay to be able to come see her in August, she had another attack. She tells me she cant trust me because of that whole thing that happend back at Thanksgiving and that she is empty and dosnt love me and she dosnt want me comming. I told her look, i think we should talk about this in the morning. (usually her rudeness comes after she has taken her sleeping pills for the night.) and she just didnt understand and it ended with her saying DONT TEXT ME I DONT WANT TO TALK TO YOU ANYMORE. That night, (her morning) i texted her and said goodmorning and she didnt seem extremely cheerfull but she said goodmorning and talked to me for a goodhalf hour before she vanished and stoped responding. Today she said goodmorning with a smiley face and seemed alittle better she even told me she really wants to be back in the US. Before she went off to bed she said she was going to the doctor in the morning which made me feel better to know that she realizes that what happend previously was wrong and it needs to be delt with.
First off, im really sorry for the longgggg post but i just want everyone to know where Im coming from. I dont know anything about this stuff except the random websites i read and i want good information and you guys seem to be the best possible help I can get right now. She is suppose to be moving back here in the fall with me and her biggest excuse for not having a doctor in the US is that she feels more comfortable with a Japanese speaking docotor. If anyone knows any in the New Jersey/New York City area, please let me know. I have searched all over the net but maybe i dont know where to look? I just need some answers to that and maybe even some suggestions as the best way to approach her when she gets like this. Its so difficult cuz i cant say anything to my friends or family because they just say she is mean and that i need to get on with my life. But thats not right. Why should she be abandonded because of her illness??? I know that it will be like this (hopefully alittle better) for the rest of our relationship and I am ok with that as long as she does what she can to get better. She is sooooo wonderfull when this isnt happening and she always tells me how much she loves me and misses me and thats what keeps me from believing the evil things that come out of her mouth sometimes. Thank you in advance for listening to me go on and on.

 

[clare]

Welcome to the forum,

I hope you've found time to read the other threads here as well as the carers info section. Before she moves back please invest some time in literature as well, not just PTSD related but also culturally. Some of what you've written sounds like culture shock or at least some culturally derived misunderstanding. I can't imagine why disappointment over a gift would bring about a "fight or flight" response. Her alloofness or mood swings may NOT be singularly PTSD related. Check out Asian- American organizations in your area, or maybe even the Japanese Embassy in NYC for possible doctors refs. Maybe try couples counseling, find one who has experience in cross cultural relationships. My own experiences of having a transcontinental relationship for more than eight years have taught me that:
1. Acceptance and trust grows over time. As you learn about your partner, you also need to learn about their culture.
2. Respect for cultural differences must be a two-way street. Some Europeans I've found, may say they love America but secretly disdain many aspects of our cullture.
3. Any relationship requires committment but one that is long lasting inherently requires growth and change. When there is a language barrier, growth is more difficult because communication is obviously be hindered.

I think you already know that being in a relationship with someone suffering from PTSD is challenging. Read more here and be honest with yourself. You may even be risking your own emotional well being if you are entering into a consuming affair with misguided desires. I have found that when the person I "love" is a mystery, I have a tendancy to create a fantastic image of who I want them to be, not who they really are. Do some homework before September.

Good luck,

clare

 

[isrealsson01]

Claire, thank you for your advice. I do know alot about her culture and I do know alittle about her PTSD and where hers came from. Also, In her culture, love is not a word that is used much and she knows that here, it is used alot. It may be a word that she is not completly sure of the exact meaning (hence the reason why its so easy for her to take it back). About the gift thing at Christmas, the only PTSD relation I could come up with was I swore that she said one color when I had asked her and maybe her short term memory loss kicked in and thats why she argued with me about what she said? Maybe i was alittle misleading about our communication now. It USE to be really bad because of the language barrier but now we are doing much better with it. But I do agree it could be something more too. Some factors too are her father is a doctor for people with psychological disorders, her sister is a councelor, and her mom is a pharamacist. I feel like they would have caught on to any other possible problem?

Things are still kinda weird in the past few days. What ever is bothering her is still lingering. I realized today I dont bring up her problem alot because I dont want to upset her but I also dont ask how her doctors visits go or seem interested in what they have to say (all because I just dont want to bring up something that she may not want to talk about). I really dont know if she would even be upset with that but now I think she would feel better if I seemed to show more support in that area and I feel so stupid for not realizing this earlier. I just dont know what is ok and what isnt around her yet. We barely talk about it unless she has a moment and she feels a need to talk about it. I never ever want to make her feel uncomfortable.

She has been up and down the past few days and it confuses me as to what I should say to her. She woke up the other day happy and said goodmorning all happy and then even called me and it seemed like maybe she was looking for some good feelings. I welcomed her call and was really excited to talk and she even told me she missed me and that she loved me. I had to get off the phone 15 minutes later and I feel now like maybe she wanted to talk more and it kinda depressed her abit. Last night after I got home i messaged her and she was happy and I called her. She sounded great on the phone and i felt like everything was getting better and then my phone started cutting out and I could tell in her voice that it was annoying her. When i was getting off, she wouldnt say I love you. She later texted me to remind me she didnt say it and I just reassured her that she dosnt have to if she dosnt want to and when she feels it, she can. This morning, she texted ME to just say goodnight and that was it so i went with it and said ok well sleep well <3 goodnight. No I love you (because of her demenor and because of last night). She writes me back and says dont you get it, i didnt say i love you. And i didnt take the bait and get into an argument with her and i just said "i know and thats ok. Ill always stand by your side no matter how you feel or what you say." She wrote back and said "no you wont your a liar." I just tried to be polite and assertive and she ended it calling me a stalker yet SHE'S the one who texted me. So i just left it at that. Sometimes I feel that not only is she suffering but her maturity level is low too.

 

[Nerdanna]

Welcome,
I am new at this too, but I have 17 years experience with living with my husband who has PTSD. He also has mood swings, particularly when he has a lot of stress and the holidays bring that on as well. Our family has experienced the "roller coaster" of emotions over the years. He is on a mild medication and it has helped, but of course, when he doesn't take it we all pay for it.
Anyone needs to think long and hard as to whether they want to invest themselves in a long-term relationship with someone with PTSD.
You will never be able to "fix" her and it will never go away.
Good luck

 

[isrealsson01]

Thanks for all the advice,
i understand how the disorder works and its effects on a person and everyones life, I have been living with her for over a year already and i know what to expect, I just need advice for how to cope with things that she does, things that i can say/not say to her etc. I have thought long and hard about this and no matter what happens no matter how many times she says anything, I want to be with her. I am extremely devoted to her and I know this could take years to get any better and I know it will never be gone. She will have it forever and Im ok with that because I know that i want to be with her forever. But because its for the rest of my life I just figured maybe you guys have things you have learned through trial and error you could suggest that work for you. I know everyone is different but just things to do and not to do that you could recommend. I have read all the threads on here but maybe some things you could say about my perticular situation?