Freedom 3.14.13
New Here
Hello, I shall go by the name Freedom 3.14.13 on here. I have PTSD as well as DID. I have had tons of episodes around friends, and at an organization I go to. I would really like to write up something that would better let them know what to do when I am in these episodes.
A little history. I am a survivor of incest and human trafficking. I was first s*xually assaulted when I was 5 years old by a relative. That continued till I was 14 years old. At 14 years old I met my trafficker and at 15 I was sold continuously until a little before my 23rd birthday (this year). I have been free from my trafficker for a little over 8 months, but the psychological pains are constantly there.
A recent episode is one I felt coming on. I was at the organization for a class. (I love this organization and am always there on Tuesday's the whole day just hanging out). Well, we were in our circle doing a group activity that encourages togetherness. I felt myself leaving when we were doing that. I started rocking myself because I figured some movement would help, but it didn't really. My mentor (who I sit extremely close to during circles) tried holding on to me, and it helped feeling her there, to bring me back some, but I didn't stay there. I always look towards the ceiling when I start dissociating. I tend to start counting the cracks, or tiles on ceilings, or lights. I know I am doing it, but it's something i can't really stop. Or at least I haven't learned a way to stop it. Anyway, the circle time ended and my mentor got up which helped in getting me back in current time, but I couldn't really feel my body. I was in my head, I knew I was going to leave so I went out in the hall way, and what I remember of that is bits and pieces. I remember one of the girls there coming out and talking to me. After a while of her trying to talk to me, and me leaving and coming back (mentally) I asked her to get my mentor. Once she left I started getting tunnel vision and was gone. I don't remember anything after that. My mentor said I was not really responding to people, but I was very worried about a door being unlocked. She said my eyes were big and I was not responding to things she would do, and I had even told her I couldn't feel my legs. She was trying to take me and drop me off at home, but I had ended up going to sleep for around 15 minutes, and when she came to wake me up I was back. I remember having a huge headache, and being spacey for a bit, but I was back.
Last example, and this is an incident before the one above. I was at the organization and had apparently hid under a desk and when the leader returned to the place (they had thought I had been gone hours ago) they found me under the desk. Only I had said I was 5 and my name was Abby. I also was constantly asking for my dad who (after they kept asking certain questions) found out I was referring to my trafficker as my dad. During this episode they apparently went to drop me off at my apartment. Apparently "Abby" did not know where I lived or anything like that, and kept trying to leave. Apparently she climbed out the window to get away and left. I came to at a park, with no jacket on (in the freezing cold) and no cell phone or any way of contacting anyone. The police had been called on me, and my college ended up being told about the incident (even though I don't live on campus) and I got repercussions for that.
I am wanting to come up with a list of guidelines for when I am in these episodes. A letter, of sorts, to help them in the event of things happening. Really to help any of the people closest to me. They really don't have much experience with this, and neither do I from their end. I usually just have to pick up the pieces when I come back. Someone told me that one thing should be not to drop me off places when I am in an episode, and to try not to leave my by myself (yes I can be left alone as in not being messed with, but not be by myself).
So I guess my question is what are some things I can tell them in order to help me when I am in those episodes, and make things less of a struggle. Also to ease anxiety, because I get so scared of having episodes I have even though of not going anymore, even though that place is my favorite place in the world. I feel like if a plan is made up and everyone knows how to handle them better it will make things a lot better.
Thank you for your help!!
A little history. I am a survivor of incest and human trafficking. I was first s*xually assaulted when I was 5 years old by a relative. That continued till I was 14 years old. At 14 years old I met my trafficker and at 15 I was sold continuously until a little before my 23rd birthday (this year). I have been free from my trafficker for a little over 8 months, but the psychological pains are constantly there.
A recent episode is one I felt coming on. I was at the organization for a class. (I love this organization and am always there on Tuesday's the whole day just hanging out). Well, we were in our circle doing a group activity that encourages togetherness. I felt myself leaving when we were doing that. I started rocking myself because I figured some movement would help, but it didn't really. My mentor (who I sit extremely close to during circles) tried holding on to me, and it helped feeling her there, to bring me back some, but I didn't stay there. I always look towards the ceiling when I start dissociating. I tend to start counting the cracks, or tiles on ceilings, or lights. I know I am doing it, but it's something i can't really stop. Or at least I haven't learned a way to stop it. Anyway, the circle time ended and my mentor got up which helped in getting me back in current time, but I couldn't really feel my body. I was in my head, I knew I was going to leave so I went out in the hall way, and what I remember of that is bits and pieces. I remember one of the girls there coming out and talking to me. After a while of her trying to talk to me, and me leaving and coming back (mentally) I asked her to get my mentor. Once she left I started getting tunnel vision and was gone. I don't remember anything after that. My mentor said I was not really responding to people, but I was very worried about a door being unlocked. She said my eyes were big and I was not responding to things she would do, and I had even told her I couldn't feel my legs. She was trying to take me and drop me off at home, but I had ended up going to sleep for around 15 minutes, and when she came to wake me up I was back. I remember having a huge headache, and being spacey for a bit, but I was back.
Last example, and this is an incident before the one above. I was at the organization and had apparently hid under a desk and when the leader returned to the place (they had thought I had been gone hours ago) they found me under the desk. Only I had said I was 5 and my name was Abby. I also was constantly asking for my dad who (after they kept asking certain questions) found out I was referring to my trafficker as my dad. During this episode they apparently went to drop me off at my apartment. Apparently "Abby" did not know where I lived or anything like that, and kept trying to leave. Apparently she climbed out the window to get away and left. I came to at a park, with no jacket on (in the freezing cold) and no cell phone or any way of contacting anyone. The police had been called on me, and my college ended up being told about the incident (even though I don't live on campus) and I got repercussions for that.
I am wanting to come up with a list of guidelines for when I am in these episodes. A letter, of sorts, to help them in the event of things happening. Really to help any of the people closest to me. They really don't have much experience with this, and neither do I from their end. I usually just have to pick up the pieces when I come back. Someone told me that one thing should be not to drop me off places when I am in an episode, and to try not to leave my by myself (yes I can be left alone as in not being messed with, but not be by myself).
So I guess my question is what are some things I can tell them in order to help me when I am in those episodes, and make things less of a struggle. Also to ease anxiety, because I get so scared of having episodes I have even though of not going anymore, even though that place is my favorite place in the world. I feel like if a plan is made up and everyone knows how to handle them better it will make things a lot better.
Thank you for your help!!
