Help!

[marvil23]

Hi Amethist,
Thanks. Will take a look there.

M.

 

[seedling]

Hi Marvil

I am a stay-at-home mother with two boys. PTSD from a trauma to our younger son one year ago. My husband experienced the trauma also but does not have PTSD. We are learning to cope together.

I hear a lot of guilt in your wife's actions. Maybe your daughter got upset over the wish list because, at the moment, she was just in the daydream mode and wanted to enjoy it. I'm pretty good at bursting my kids' bubbles at not-always-necessary times. Sounds like your wife may take on the financial guilt herself because she is not working. I feel some of the same thing, but my husband has made it clear that he likes me to be at home and keep a sane home life for all of us. We also homeschool, so that takes a lot of my time.

I couldn't say if working would be good for your wife or not. If she did it because she felt like a burden and thought you wanted her too, it may not work out. If she's ambitious for it in her own way and looking forward to it, then it could be the best thing. If unresolved trauma is complicating her life and closest relationships it may need to be taken care of first before adding additional stresses. There's nothing wrong with having her focus on the family, esp. with your son's needs and your daughter still being relatively young.

She may very well have many issues tied up in a lack of nuture and parenting that affect her current responses.

I think the biggest thing you can do for her (besides all the steady love and stability, etc..!) is to reassure her over and over that everything is OK. Sometimes it's easy to lash out at others when we are feeling guilty for the situation ourselves (ie. the money thing). Maybe let her know that you have the finances under control, that you think she does great with the spending etc? It may go a long way.

Take care, you are such a great husband and parent. Good luck to both of you.

 

[marvil23]

Thanks Seedling. What you say makes complete sense, and thanks for the words of encouragement. I don't always get it right, but I do try to be a good husband and a good parent. It really is hard work!

The money issue is rather complicated in that I am the careless one, and literally have given away thousands over the years (when I still felt we had it to give), but now that things are pretty tight it is all weighing heavily on our relationship. I still don't stress about it, but unfortunately she does, and I am bearing the brunt of that. There are other stresses that I think are also weighing heavily on her mind, perhaps the biggest one being that we live in a very beautiful, but very violent country. Life is simply too cheap here, and rape and murder are daily occurrences. I think my wife worries about this constantly, and doesn't sleep very well at night. All her current stresses together with her difficult childhood make for a difficult situation overall. Anyway, I do my best to try to stay focussed on the positives. It is very easy to allow oneself to get bogged down by all the negatives, and unfortunately that's a slippery slope!

A simple motto I try to live by is that the happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything - they just make the best of everything they have!

Take care, and everything of the best to you and your loved ones too.

 

[seedling]

Thanks Marvil for your "everything of the best" to us, I'll take it :)

Generosity isn't the worst of vices - lol. And if you aren't giving away money now, when you can't afford it, then you're coping with it.

I like your motto. My husband is the one who spends money in the family too and I take care of knowing what he is able to spend after the bills are paid. We have given up monetary advantages for me to stay at home and are fortunate to be able to get by on one income.

The slippery slope of the negatives, that's a real fight. If your wife does have PTSD then the slope is even slipperier.

You will find a lot of help here.

 

[Pink77]

Hi Marvil,

It's been awhile for me as I've been dealing with different things in all areas of my life and have been genuinely overwhelmed. I got to the point where I was suicidal and called a hotline, then a friend who stayed with me on the phone until I fell asleep. My bipolar cycling has been acting up a lot lately, which has thrown me for a loop, as well as some personal issues/worries. On a good front, my mother passed her 6th month exam for her cancer and is still cancer free. Plus, her best friend who has terminal cancer is stable and doing better - more energy and lower dosage with treatments. This is her friend from before the time I was born - almost 50 years!

Just a few weeks ago I came across a number by Miley Cyrus (I think) and I'm not even sure of the title but I think it's called Turn up the music, or maybe Turn the Music Up Loud. Please do yourself a favour and go find it, and listen - and then you can let me know what you think. I find it very uplifting

I will check that out. Another couple of uplifting songs are: Soar by Christina Agrillara, Wasted by Carrie Underwood, and I'm Alive by Kenny Chesney. The Singer Seal, I always find uplifting - especially his first album.

I had some bad news today - a really good friend of mine was retrenched, and he is the nicest guy you could find. Fortunately for him, I don't think he'll have too much trouble finding something else, but nevertheless it's stress he could rather do without. And then I also find out today that a lovely lady I have the pleasure of working with is also going through a really tough time in her marriage, and she and her husband have split up.

I'm very sorry to hear that you got some bad news. How is your friend doing? And the lovely lady? You also have a big heart to worried about the people who suffered from the floods, etc. Not many people care about what goes on outside their town, let alone their own state.

I've had some time to think about some of my comments as posted above, and I really hope I haven't said anything that would upset anyone. I am acutely aware of what trauma can do to any one of us, and obviously we all do react differently to different triggers.

I wouldn't worry too much about what you wrote. It is more triggering when it is directed at a person. Plus, we all come onto this forum of our own free will. So, if we do get triggered, we know that no-one did it on purpose. We have to learn how to deal with our triggers anyway, so in some ways, it helps us because we've learned about something new that we can address and move on from.

Again, I'm sorry it's been awhile. I will try to be more punctual next time. You take care.
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