Help!

[marvil23]

Just one thing I haven't mentioned yet. When my wife and I met all those years ago, somehow, without realising it, I seemed to become the centre of her world. I hadn't sought it, I hadn't wanted it - it somehow just seemed to happen. Then when we had our son who is now 13, he became the centre of her world. The same thing when our daughter was born. It's like she has been neglecting herself all these years. Is that all part of the bigger picture that I am only now beginning to see unfold before me? Her loss of a lack of nurturing from her father? And could it perhaps explain why when we do have even the smallest of disagreements her whole world seems to fall apart. And I end up just too afraid to even raise any issues for fear of a derailment!

 

[Tinyflame]

And P.S- That's why they call it a 'wish' list, not everything may 'arrive' or not all at once, but that's ok and there are many more days than just Christmas- Birthdays, report-cards, etc. She (they) will be happy- and I hope you will have joy and peace, too.

 

[marvil23]

Hi junebug,

Thanks for your comment. I realised at a very early age that spending time with my family was one of the most important things I could do to honour it's value. I have had to make some really serious career choices in the past - I have turned down opportunities for promotion as a result. And I do not regret that in any way. I couldn't wish for a better relationship with our children. I have just tucked our daughter into bed a few minutes ago, and tomorrow we (she and I) are going on a dads & daughters outing with our local church. And she will receive a surprise tomorrow when she'll receive a letter (from me - I wrote it earlier this evening) just letting her know how much I love her, and how I love the way she loves painting colourful pictures, and how I love it how she knows just exactly what she wants, and how I love it how she loves her brother, and just how thankful I am that God has given her to me to look after. That if all the daughters in the whole world were standing in a row and I had to choose one, that I would definitely choose her! And it's true - that's the way things are in our family. When I arrive home at the end of the day, both our children run down the passage (or wherever we find each other) and our daughter leaps with gay abandon into my arms! Our sone is a bit old for that now, so he just greets me with a small hug and a kiss. And I realise what a blessing my family is. We still have group hugs in the kitchen, or wherever we are.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Our children are getting 'Santa Coupons' this year, each wrapped up as much as all gifts. Each will get coupons for;

'1 tv show on a schoolnight'

'family game time on the wii on a schoolnight'

'45 minutes of Nintendo DS play on a schoolnight' (guess you can see a theme here ;). )

'1 Swimming time at the Y'

'1 bike ride with the parent of your choice'

'1 Extra story at night'

We just can't buy a lot this year but I know my kids will love these coupons.

 

[marvil23]

Wow, thank you. This just makes so much sense, and I can only agree with you 100%. So often what we give is measured by how much it all costs, and yet the cost of our time we spend with our children while they are growing up is, well, simply immeasurable. And yet, isn't it what can give us the best return in life?!?

 

[Pink77]

Hi Marvil,
Welcome! Seems like many people have reached out to you already. It is obvious in your posts that you love your wife very much. 25 years! I commend you! Its not easy these days, especially with someone who has had traumatic events like your wife has. You said in an earlier post that you have to be strong for both of you. First and foremost, you have to take care of yourself - not in a selfish way, but if you don't take care of yourself, you can't be there for her when she needs you. Someone told me if you don't have the resources to give then don't! it's not fair to you.

I think her feeling "ganged up on" as someone mentioned sounds kind of true. It was experienced with my ex when we tried marriage counseling. He felt ganged up on and only went once. We lasted 20 years. I'm the one with ptsd and a mental illness and he couldn't handle what I had, wasn't interested in making the marriage work even tho I was. I had been hospitalized 4-5 times during our marriage. He was very abusive and so I left. I agree with taking it one day at a time, get educated on people dealing with trauma, even though she hasn't been diagnosed with ptsd. Losing her sister to suicide after her mom can't be easy! Just the knowledge can help you with responding to her responses to you. Listening to her unconditionally helps, too. Validation of her feelings. But make sure you get your needs met, too. You can't burn yourself at both ends of the candle to keep it together. It takes two, no matter what we bring with us to the relationship.

I'm glad you came to the forum. Seems like you will be getting lots of help and connecting with others if the intros are any indication!:) Best wishes, Pink

 

[marvil23]

Hi Pink,
Thanks for sharing. Sounds like you've had a tough bundle to have to deal with yourself. Divorce after 20 years of marriage must have been really difficult. I have come to accept that we all have our issues to have to deal with in this life, like we are all dealt a certain hand - it's how we play the game with the hand that we've been dealt with that really makes the difference. Some people lose a limb and then spend the rest of their life dying over it. Others can lose all four and still go on to climb their Mount Everest, whatever that may be. This forum has been a real blessing, as I have received much sound advice in the short time that I have been here. Fortunately for us, things have been going really well for the last few weeks at home now, so I am truly grateful for that. I really do love my wife. I just seem to put my foot in it sometimes and end up saying things that I later regret, although I guess at the time I honestly believe that whatever I said needed to come out. I guess I'll just have to learn to think a bit longer and a bit harder before I open my mouth in future! Sometimes perhaps it would just be better to remain silent and keep the peace!

 

[Pink77]

Hi Marvil,
You're welcome for the sharing. I have been dealt a difficult "deck" to deal with. Divorce after 20 years, to whom I thought was my soulmate was very tough on me. Our relationship left me with a lot of scars and ptsd. But I remember that there are people out there with tougher decks and lighter decks to deal with. And while it doesn't take away from what I've been dealt, it helps keep things in perspective. I only allow myself 2-5 min "pity parties" then its back to reality. Like you say it, "it's how we play the game with the hand we're dealt" (I love playing poker, btw, but don't have the best poker face :cool:).

I'm glad to hear to hear that things between you and your wife have been going well. And don't beat yourself up for accidently saying something that you feel shouldn't have been said. We all say something, how we feel, in the moment, because maybe it does have to come out. So long as you handle yourself in the future the way you want to, that is all that matters. When you feel it's time to be "'silent' and keep the peace", you will. As I'm learning (from a friend) it's a process. I'm learning that a big part of the process is accepting who we are at that moment with our strengths and faults. And that shooting for perfection is unrealistic - and WAY, WAY too stressful.

There are a couple of beautiful songs by country singers Rascal Flatts: "Here" (which might remind you of your relationship with your wife), and "My Wish" which I dedicate to people who are going through tough times. If you get the chance to check them out on Youtube.com, please do. Music is something that helps me get through a lot of things and emotions that I have. It is a gift from other artists to all of us that I try to truly enjoy and share with others. I'm glad that you are getting many welcomes and advice from people on the forum. You're attitude seems to be a very healthy one, realizing it is about how we deal with the hand we're dealt. Attitude makes all the difference. Keep me posted. Pink

 

[marvil23]

Hi Pink,

Thanks so much for more good advice. I too really do appreciate how meaningful music can soothe the soul. I can't say that I have heard the artists that you have mentioned above but I shall certainly go find them and listen to what they are saying. And I'll let you know what I think. Just a few weeks ago I came across a number by Miley Cyrus (I think) and I'm not even sure of the title but I think it's called Turn up the music, or maybe Turn the Music Up Loud. Please do yourself a favour and go find it, and listen - and then you can let me know what you think. I find it very uplifting - and we all need all the encouragement we can get, not so?

I had some bad news today - a really good friend of mine was retrenched, and he is the nicest guy you could find. Fortunately for him, I don't think he'll have too much trouble finding something else, but nevertheless it's stress he could rather do without. And then I also find out today that a lovely lady I have the pleasure of working with is also going through a really tough time in her marriage, and she and her husband have split up. Oh man, my heart just cries out for them. And oh, what devestation with the flooding around the world. Those poor, poor people having to deal with all of that. As a South African we are always intense rivals against Australia when it comes to sport like rugby or cricket, but this is just so unfair. I would be on the next plane out there to go help them if I could see a way through.

I've had some time to think about some of my comments as posted above, and I really hope I haven't said anything that would upset anyone. I am acutely aware of what trauma can do to any one of us, and obviously we all do react differently to different triggers. Some pople have just had way, way more than they should have, and life just isn't fair. I guess what I was trying to put across is that at some point we pretty much all have to face reality square-on and do our level best to try to come to terms with whatever it is that we have had to endure, and then do our very best to deal with it.

Take care, and talk again sometime.

M.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Hi Marv,

You have a wonderful heart!
Please keep posting as you wish, this is your home.
Wishing you peace,
Deer

 

[marvil23]

Thanks Deer, much appreciated. I really do try.

Another wobbly this morning. My wife was lamenting about the fact that we had to spend more money on buying a school kit-bag for our 8-year old daughter, and saying something like "why does she have to have a specific bag for school, and why can't she just use the one that she has been using up till now. Now we have to spend more money we don't really have...", and the next thing our 8-year old daughter is apologising to me. So I re-assured our daughter that she really has nothing to apologise for, and then my wife wants to know what's going on, so without thinking I tell her quite calmly that our duaghter is feeling guilty as a result of her moaning about us having to spend money unnecessarily.

A short while later I get told that she feels that I will never respect her, no matter what she does. Maybe it's wrong of me just "throwing this out there" like this, but I really didn't mean to upset my wife like that, and things have been going so well for quite a while now. She is obviously quite stressed out about our financial situation, more so than I am.

I have told her that if I start getting stressed that's when she needs to start worrying! I have never moaned to her about our financial situation, not ever, not that she has ever given me reason to. She spends our money very wisely, so I am very thankful for that.

She hasn't worked since just before our son was born (he's going on 14 now) and whilst it was a joint decision that she be a stay-home mom, and there is certainly so much benefit for the children (they are really happy, stable kids), I sometimes think it's about time she now gets something together and starts earning some money of her own. I would never ever force her into that, just I really believe it would be good for her - and for us. Maybe just something part-time, or something that she can do flexi-hours. To help get her mind focussed onto something other than herself and her family, and of course, to help relieve our pretty tight financial situation.

Any advise or suggestions?!?

 

[amethist]

Hi marvil23

Why don't you come down to the carers section. We have a lot of information and help on that part of the forum too.

I have the same saying with my husband about him not worrying about money until I do. So far it is working.

Take care and keep going.

Amethist