Help!

[0722]

I was in an abusive relationship with my daughters father (I will re name him as 'E') and he hasn't seen me or my daughter since she was 11 weeks old.

Fast forward to 7 months I got into a relationship with someone who I will rename as 'D'. We met on a dating site. We were on off for 18 months and he would go periods of times ignoring me, he would drink loads and slept with someone else behind my back which is why I eventually left him, he would put me down about our sex life, and my hobbies. I told him I didn't want anything to do with him but weeks later he would come running back. Eventually after a few times of running back and ignoring me for 5 months I eventually ignored him. I have been ignoring him for 2 months now and he has tried to get hold of me a few times, I am actually seeing someone else now who I will re name as 'P'. I want D to leave me alone, I've even told him to before I ignored him, it was alright for him to ignore me but now it's all a massive bad thing now I'm ignoring him. I don't want to make contact with him to tell him to leave me alone cos I don't want it to affect me and P. P understands that D and E both abused me verbally and emotionally. I have told D loads of times to not contact me.

I'm moving on from my abuse relationships with D and E, and the doctors have said I could potentially come off my anti depressants soon, as they feel I may be able to cope without them. Do I just keep ignoring D? I'd rather not contact the Police, unless D turns up at my door. It's only texting, phone calls and emails but if I block his number he will turn up at my door. P seems amazing so far so I don't want D ruining it.

 

[Gs172003]

I was in an abusive relationship with my daughters father (I will re name him as 'E') and he hasn't seen m...

Block the number and if he shows up involve the police. That's what I would do. Otherwise he won't leave you alone.

 

[Justmehere]

I want D to leave me alone, I've even told him to before I ignored him, it was alright for him to ignore me but now it's all a massive bad thing now I'm ignoring him. I don't want to make contact with him to tell him to leave me alone cos I don't want it to affect me and P. P understands that D and E both abused me verbally and emotionally. I have told D loads of times to not contact me.

Why do you believe telling your ex, D, to leave you alone, would affect your relationship with P? Most healthy partners would be delighted that their current partner told an ex to leave them alone.

I do actually agree though that you shouldn't initiate contact with D again. You have already said stop, and that's more than enough. I'm so sorry he continues to harass you. :( :hug:

It's only texting, phone calls and emails but if I block his number he will turn up at my door.

So, basically, what you are saying is "It's only criminal harassment..." :(
But I can really understand your fears that he will escalate if you set a stronger boundary.

Keep every text or email. Document his harassment of you. Especially keep any communication you have sent where you state very clearly your desire for him to cease contact with you. Even if you don't say no, repeated contact again and again with intent to harass or alarm, usually is enough for harassment charges in many states.

Contact your local domestic violence agency, and they should have advocates who can help you navigate this and explore options. They can often help a victim or harassment by a former partner get a civil protection/restraining order and take other steps to protect yourself against any escalation in his behavior. Then, if he texts or emails you again, let alone shows up on your door step, he will be arrested for harassment and contempt of court/violation of a restraining order.

You could also contact police now, and they could go and warn and/or arrest him now, but I think the best path is with and outside advocate there to be alongside you through this.

P seems amazing so far so I don't want D ruining it.

If P truly is a good person, they will back you and support you in taking action to stop the harassment by D, and D wouldn't be able to ruin it. Maybe this is a good chance to see if P is worth your time as well. If they balk about your calling the police and/or getting a restraining order on D, it would be a good sign to kick P to the curb too.

I'm so sorry you are having to go through all of this -- and I'm really glad to read that the depression is lessening the more distance you get from D and E. That's awesome! :hug:

 

[gealach]

I agree with @Zoogal, block his phone number and email address. If he shows up at your door, involve police asap. Kind of like a 3 year old, just don't give into him, and be consistent.

 

[0722]

I think if I kept telling D to leave me alone, I wouldn't want P to think "oh she's still talking to her ex" like I know I would be a bit weary if P's kept contacting him if that makes sense? Even though me and P have very good trust with each other, I'd rather my past stay in the past as I want to focus on my future with my daughter.

Sorry my thread was very short about my story, D was very emotionally abusive and controlling which I didn't mention, I just know I would have typed pages if I told the whole story Lol. I have now blocked his number which also blocks FaceTime, I will block his email next time I go on the laptop, and I have blocked him on Facebook too. Thank you for all your replies, I guess I kinda panicked and I have been on this forum a few times and I know I wouldn't get judged and I would have gotten a reply which is why I left a thread :)

Edit: I forgot to mention, D also has a warning with the Police because he got into a fight at a pub, so if he did turn up at my door or threatened anything, the Police more than likely will believe me. I will see where it goes now with blocking his number. I will also speak to my support worker next week about it as she is coming round to see me. I am from the U.K. and have worked with Women's Aid in the past so if it gets worse I will contact them for advice :)

 

[Justmehere]

I can see why you are hesitant to contact D again to tell him to bug off. I don't think there is any need to contact tell him to leave you alone again unless it is through a court or law enforcement. P shouldn't object to those measures. It's not the same as direct one on one contact with P - and it's to get him to leave you alone, not to maintain a relationship with your ex. You get to say no now, without fear of penalty or abandonment by good people. (Ok, I know this is super easy to say and so hard to believe or trust...)

You already told D to stop, and no is a complete sentence. Not one you need to repeat, defend, or explain. No need for any more direct contact with D. You are doing great at that!

I just know I would have typed pages if I told the whole story Lol. I have now blocked his number which also blocks FaceTime, I will block his email next time I go on the laptop, and I have blocked him on Facebook too.

Yes!!! Great work!!!

So glad the police are already aware of him and that you can reach out to Women's Aid too if needed.

You really are doing a good job of handling this. Emotional abuse alone can make it hard to work through this stuff but you have taken many good steps to reach out and find a healthy path through this even before you posted. I'm glad you posted too. I'd be falling apart if I was going through this myself.

Hang in there and great work!

 

[0722]

Justmehere, exactly what I was thinking, I've told D plenty of times to leave me alone and I don't see why I should tell him again. I was talking to my best friend earlier and she said he will hopefully get bored and won't bother anymore soon, so I am hoping she is correct, I've also told my mum as well in case he turns up at her door too. Luckily D lives nearly an hours drive away from me so it's not as if he can just walk from his to mine.

This is why I like this forum, I feel so supported, so thank you :)

 

[aut555]

Congrats on your new relationship that is healthy. Yay you!!

 

[EveHarrington]

Any contact is "rewarding" to your ex.

Even saying "f*ck off you asshole I hate you".

Ignore ignore ignore.