Helping My Partner With His Flashbacks

[Gho.St.ory]

Pre-warning; this is long, skip to the bold text for the questions if you're not much of a reader.

My partner has had some traumatic experiences (including sexual abuse) in his life, and while he doesn't talk about them much or seem very interested in therapy, every night he has multiple nightmares/flashbacks of his abuse. (He acts out and talks in them so I know what's happening.)

I never know what to do; hugs and affection helps, I often try to wake him up and tell him 'It's ok' but then he wants to go back to sleep. It makes me anxious because I know he's just going to suffer again.

One time he had so many he was getting really tired and ended up having what he jokingly called an 'emotional breakdown' so I put on a film to distract him and the lamp to help the room feel more safe.

I think the nightmares point to him having PTSD. It's really upsetting seeing him regress like that and get in the foetal position. He's a very strong person to me, so I hate seeing him like that.

The only other experience of this I've had was when my mother regained some memories and came to my room crying about them. She was regressed in my opinion, so I gave her a hug and said she could sleep in my bed and gave her a smiley face pillow she hugged all night.

I don't know what to do for him, he sometimes looks like he doesn't recognise me and goes back to sleep or pushes me away. Sometimes I worry that if I touch him to wake him, it will filter into his dream that his attacker is closer to him or something.

Will touching him in his nightmares/flashbacks make them worse?

One thing that also bothers me is he gets very sexually aroused when he wakes up from these dreams. He's already very sexual, but the stress of them seem to make it worse. I was a virgin until a few weeks ago with him, so on the one hand I'm not sure I really want to (I'm an asexual), I also am unsure if it's healthy to do. I do it because it makes him happy, and if I ever really don't want to I don't so I think the balance is ok. But I'm not sure if his short term, immediate happiness from that is good or if he's just masking his feelings and if something else should be done.

Also, I've noticed I get very emotionally strung up when seeing him like this. It makes me emotionally unstable during the day and I keep crying when it happens. I have a bunch of symptoms that could point towards PTSD myself, and he thinks I've been abused, just based on my symptoms. I'm wondering if this is a normal way to respond or if I'm going to need to be careful about it for my own mental health.

Due to my Alexithymia, I'm used to my emotions coming to me very slowly. To get an immediate emotional response to something is unusual, and I'm really unsure how helpful I can be to him when I'm like that.

Like when I try to wake him and comfort him and he sees I'm crying and is trying to comfort me instead! In the closest experience I've had to this (see above) I remained emotionless (at least felt that way) throughout and after the event, and just acted by instinct. But with this I'm really unsure of what to do and am anxious.

Anyway, questions would be;
How might I help him with his nightmares? Have you ever had anything help you, or that you'd want?
Is waking him up a good idea? Would you want that?
Or should I let him sleep, as he needs to rest? (Questionable how rested it really is like that.)
What might be comforting to have after a nightmare/flashback?

Thanks for reading, sorry it's so long.

 

[Nebulustrix]

Personally, I think it is best to be left alone when having a nightmare. While it may be torturous to sleep through relived experiences, the dreams are a sign of the brain attempting to process it and find "solutions" to the pain through reliving the memories and perhaps changing some of the details here and there.

I believe the most helpful action a supporter could take would be to wait it out and be there for me once I woke up on my own. If he's willing, it would also be helpful to talk about the dreams - specifically the resurfacing feelings (fears, anxieties, etc).

The arousal, I think, is a natural response. Even though the dreams are terrible, they are sex-dreams, and his body is automatically responding the the sexual memories, causing the arousal. I do not know if having sex with him when he's aroused from a nightmare is a good thing... It is possible it is helpful, because it builds good memories to replace the bad. It is also, potentially bad as it could mean your relations with him are tainted by the trauma and he may sub-consciously seek to relive it with you.

It sounds like some professional assistance may be needed. Always remember that you are not a counselor/therapist. You can be a support to him, but you cannot fix him, and some mental hurts need outside help from someone who has the knowledge and training for healing emotional trauma.

 

[open eyes]

These are definitely better questions for him. Everyone's PTSD is different. I have PTSD from sexual abuse; touching only makes my symptoms worse- but I know other people who have PTSD from the same thing & love getting hugs when they're anxious.

The most concerning thing I read in this is that you were an asexual, & you only had sex with him to make him happy. Healthy sex should happen because you both want it, not because you're just trying to appease him.

He's probably not actually aroused by the dreams. More likely, he felt controlled by his abusers so he is trying to gain that control back by choosing to have sex with you.

With PTSD relationships, it's easy to start letting boundaries get crossed. But remember that this is another human being you're dealing with, & it's not acceptable for them to take out their anger/frustration on you. This includes using your body to deal with sexual trauma.

 

[Gho.St.ory]

I don't have any issue with his arousal levels heightening from the traumatic dreams. He's highly sexual anyway, but it's just like he has more of an urgency to engage at these times. I think it's a distraction, and I like your point @open eyes, about it being a way to regain control.

I also agree that his need to regain control shouldn't be at the cost of my own control. I don't feel I've only had sex to please him, I'm always sure to screen my feelings before hand and say no if I have any doubt. Again, due to Alexithymia it's hard to know exactly what I'm feeling at any time, but I think as long as I use my current method, there shouldn't be any issues. I've not engaged unwillingly but I do it more so for him than me in any case. I have to feel I'll be ok with it before I say yes though. =]

I do not know if having sex with him when he's aroused from a nightmare is a good thing... It is possible it is helpful, because it builds good memories to replace the bad. It is also, potentially bad as it could mean your relations with him are tainted by the trauma and he may sub-consciously seek to relive it with you.

This is the kind of thing I worry about. Perhaps I'll bring it up with my therapist tomorrow.

Also thanks, I think he was so tired when I kept waking him it'd be better to let him sleep. And just keep an eye on him and see if he remembers or wants to talk about it in the future. I'm seeing him on Thursday so I'll ask him if he has any preference on me waking him up, or if I should do it in certain circumstances or something.

He seems to remember his dreams more here, it might be because I wake him up. It's possible that's more problematic for him. It's your natural response when someone is beginning to shout or cry in their sleep, but it might not be the most skillful.

I'm aiming to persuade him towards professional help if I can, but he's not too interested right now. I think his dads views influence that so it'd take a bit of skill and time to override perhaps.

With PTSD relationships, it's easy to start letting boundaries get crossed. But remember that this is another human being you're dealing with, & it's not acceptable for them to take out their anger/frustration on you. This includes using your body to deal with sexual trauma.

I think with two vulnerable people it's very hard to work with boundaries, as when they clash you almost think 'who's needs are more important' and worry about one person being used or neglected too much. I think that's where communication comes in. Like, I often don't talk to him about why I'm not ok to have sex while he's in the mood as he's not really able to understand or listen, I wait until he's calmed down. I'd have to do the same with anything important but possibly emotionally charged.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I remember your other posts but refrained from commenting on the asexual bit. It's a bit concerning that you're having sex for his benefit. I'm also wondering how compatible an asexual female can be with a male who has a high sex drive. I think this is something to think about going forward as you say that things are ok now, but the truth is that there has actually been very little time for issues to arise since you just became sexual a few weeks ago. (Is it just me or is this relationship moving at warp speed?)

 

[Gho.St.ory]

It really is the fastest moving relationship I've been in. And yeah, I do consider the asexual part interesting in how it'd work. I thought I'd dislike sex, I used to get really freaked out by so many things linked to it, but they're not too bad now, and I feel comfortable with him. I've only been with him a month today though.

Being asexual doesn't mean you can't enjoy sex, just that you don't find people sexually attractive and don't really seek it out actively, but I do think he often is like 'Why can't we have sex, you enjoy it' When the point is, if I don't want to right now, it's not right to. He's hard to talk to when he's in the mood, so I talk about it afterwards, and he agrees that's the better time to actually get him listening. It's a bit annoying having him pester me but so far it's pretty controllable, I just have to say 'Im serious' and he stops.

 

[Justmehere]

Is he in treatment?

Have you thought of seeing a therapist for support for you?

 

[Gho.St.ory]

No, he isn't in treatment. I've suggested it to him. At first he was more open minded, then later he said no one cared about rape of males, and then he was very closed off to the idea. I think this is the first time someone's even suggested it to him so I'm trying not to push it too much and go slowly with it.

Obviously, as a psychology major, I let him know, he knows I'll advocate therapy and hopefully it doesn't seem like I'm trying to push it down his throat, and he seemed to accept that last night. I think it's just whatever responses he gives me are knee jerk ones, so they might look like they're contradicting each other but it's because he's still working through his thoughts on the situation and on what he really wants.

I really want him to get therapy though. if not personal therapy then I'm going to suggest couples therapy on the grounds that it can seriously affect the relationship and it needs attention; not that it's anyone's fault, but it really needs attention so we can focus on being just a couple rather than being stressed all the time.

I'm in therapy now, unfortunately my therapist was considering cancelling my sessions because of me missing a quarter of them so far due to, in my opinion poor health and constant medication mess ups. I think it'll calm down now my meds are sorted but that really upset me that she suggested that as you always get therapy at times not suitable in life n the NHS. (Took me 6 years to get this CBT when I'd finally given up on getting it, and as soon as my regular medication list of a decade started getting messed up every SINGLE week and making me REALLY ill! How is that suitable for therapy?)

So to get therapy for the sole purpose of looking after myself based on this relationship, I'd probably get it when I'm 40!