Here We Go Again

[Obod]

I can't see how her actions could do anything but make a normal sane person feel anything but insecure and hurt

 

[Kebuhen]

Wow. You are so spot on. I have been so afraid to speaky mind for so long. Any emotion I had, she punished me for. I recall having a really bad day, and coming to her for comfort. She said something kinda snippy and it really was the wrong time. So I told her I was just going to get off the phone and call her later. That I needed time to just relax and her comment didn't help. She then called me back breaking up with me and saying she wanted out of Tue relationship. After that, I learned to keep all my feelings in for fear of being broken up with.

She says she can't have me blame her for the past because I chose to stay when she kept ending it. She says it was my fault and I need to take responsibility for the things that happened in our past because I should have left and not stayed with her when she kept breaking up with me. I was just trying to be supportive and be there. That's all. She says I am too insecure. I just don't know how not to be.

 

[Kebuhen]

I truly do feel like I've stopped recognizing what is and isn't normal anymore. That's why your words are so incredibly helpful. I've losty sense of normalcy and what is and isn't acceptable treatment.

I just wanted her to be there for me and accept that I was still hurting. To let me heal since she claimed to have been in such a better place, herself. I just needed more time to let go of the hurt I still felt. But her response was to cut me off and storm out with a guy she used to sleep with. Left me literally stunned and in disbelief. Then called ME abusive and manipulative the next day. Tells me I can never change. That I lied and said I had let go of the past when I hadn't. And now that she's 'better' she can't be reminded of the past.

Such a screw with my mind.

 

[Obod]

Well you may be insecure in some ways. I don't know you or in what way she was referring to your insecurities. I would still say move on and if she asks you back don't go.
There are some things you just can't take back or undo. You can't just get over it or move past it.

 

[Kebuhen]

My insecurities are from her leaving. Any time something minor happens, I prepare for the worst. I've never been AJ insecure person in my entire life until she molded me into one through her constant breaking up with me and us getting back together. My insecurities came from her ditching our relationship. And my constant fear of it happening again. Then she got mad at me for being insecure. Lol.

 

[Kebuhen]

I'm trying to muster up the courage to never look back. I just feel so beaten down.

 

[Obod]

Going to add some more food for thought then turn in for the night.
She says it was her issues that caused the problems before and it wasn't your fault.
A pretty far cry from apologizing for the way her actions made you feel and hurt. Truth is she probably doesn't even get how much she hurt you and there's no reason to try and explain it to her. She is probably so wrapped up in her own pain she can't recognize the pain she causes others and won't even be able to until she gets some serious help.
If you're wondering how I can be spot on...

I'm 45 and have had a pretty traumatic life. I've had a lot of one on one and group therapy over the years. I have way more good days than bad now but..... Welp... I'm on this site right ;)

 

[Kebuhen]

I've often thought that very same thing - that it was never a sincere apology for the pain it caused me. It was always just "it's not your fault." Or "it was the PTSD and I'm just in a bad place."

I honestly don't think she really does have a clue about the sheer pain this has put me through. I think you're absolutely right. She seems to think I'm the abusive one when I react to her treatment. When I speak out about how much she hurt me, I'm manipulative and abusive. And I bring her down. Apparently I'm supposed to take her abuse and smile.

I'm glad to hear that you're doing much better. I truly do appreciate your words. They've been a lifesaver. Tonight's been a rough night. Goodnight.

 

[Obod]

Someone just can't realize the pain they cause others when they're in so much pain themselves. Is she in or has she had much therapy? I know I keep saying therapy therapy therapy. I guess that's because I know it works and when you have PTSD you must be vigilant about it.

She passing her trauma on to you not dealing with it within herself and using PTSD as a cop out for her continuing to kick you around. Lemme guess... She has suffered a lot of sexual abuse. Her taking off with him is a pretty good sign off that. In leaving you with this huge question of if she's sleeping with him or not she passes that sexual abuse to you. Cuz that's what she's doing..... Sexually abusing you. If that makes any sense. And it's at a very traumatic level for you.

Therapy is the only way to overcome the effects of PTSD. The scars of PTSD are life long and I'll never argue that cuz I live with it. I'm on the other side of it now because of the therapy I've had. Yes.... There is light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm no longer on meds and you've helped me realize a very good tool to keep from sliding back. The effects of my PTSD are emotional numbness, detachment, lack of empathy and sentiment. The meds helped with that but now helping people such as yourself has the same effect for me. I've finally realized that in reaching out to help someone in crisis I keep from causing that in my own life. I would never have been able to without the told my therapy have me. Thank you

 

[Kebuhen]

Yes, once again, spot on about the sexual abuse. This is a guy she slept with immediately after we broke up one time towards the beginning of our relationship. She knows it devastated me and that I can't stand him. I've let my feelings about him be very well known. I couldn't believe she left with him in front of my face like that. She claims it was because she had no other means of leaving. That was her excuse. It KILLED me inside. It literally crushed me. I don't even get why she had to up and leave like that anyway! I was literally in the middle of breaking down. What made her get up and walk out in the first place??

That's such a fascinating way of looking at it. That she abused me sexually. That's how it felt. It was such a betrayal. That someone I thought loved me could do something so unbelievably hurtful. But she doesn't seem to get it. She doesn't seem to see why it hurts so damn much. It really was absolutely traumatic to me. Our whole relationship has felt like one giant trauma to me. And if I dare express how it's effected me, the result is something like this. I apparently can't express hurt to her because she can't take it. She can't take responsibility for the damaging behavior. I don't know why. I wasn't even blaming her. I was just telling her I needed more time to heal. Specifically did NOT blame her. Told her it was no ones fault, but that I was just really hurt. I was so careful not to lay blame or make her feel terrible.

She has had a decent amount of therapy. But I think she has stopped. When we took a month from speaking, I think during that time, she decided to quit taking meds and going to therapy. She came back and said she's so much better now. She said she can cope with her past. She was actually going to work and holding down a stable job, which she hadn't been able to do. She all around seemed much happier. It was strange. That's why I believed her when she said she was better. But then our fight just erupted the moment I mentioned still being hurt.

 

[Kebuhen]

I'm truly glad you saw my post on here.

 

[Obod]

I guess that's kinda what it boils down to. She traumatized you. That's pretty big in my book.

She's said she's doing better. Did her shrink take her off her meds or did she just stop taking them? I mean.... It took 3 months of stepping my dosage down to get off mine and my shrink took me off them because HE and i both felt I didn't need them anymore. Most psych meds say don't stop taking them without your doctor. There's a reason for that cuz of withdrawal symptoms that can even include psychotic episodes. (They usually don't give an explanation as to why you need to discuss that with your doctor)

Ask yourself this. What, besides the 2 years, do you really have invested with this woman? Are there kids, financial investments, property? If you leave what are you truly losing? You love her enough to marry her but is that her or the idea of her.... The person you see behind her pain?

In life you must, to some extent, be selfish. It's psychologically healthy to be selfish to a point. What makes you happy? Where do you want to be? What benefits, strengths, security and balance does she offer you? Will she help you to achieve your goals in life? Is she supportive of you? Do you like the person you are with her? Answering these questions to yourself is the exact type of selfishness that is healthy. It seems there's a lot in it for her but what's in it for you?

The old saying " there's plenty of fish in the sea " is true. The key to marital bliss is full focus on you. Your needs, your wants, your direction, your belief system and your happiness. Me me me me me. I was lucky enough to find that with my wife. What it took to find that was full focus on what I wanted in my life. My personal life... Me... Mine.

I dated A LOT of women (30+) between my divorce and marriage. But.... By switching my focus onto me I didn't end up wasting years and years of my life with them. Save Kelly, my abuser, I think I just got tired of looking and settled. Obviously don't settle cuz it was a totally waste of 3 years of my life and took a year of therapy to get over her abuse. Like I hadn't had enough in my life before I met her lmao.

You have to look back to look forward though. What did I gain from being with her and what positive lasting effect can I glean from that nightmare? In able to help you