Here We Go Again

[Obod]

You've been honest with me. I should be the same in turn. This discussion is helping me in a big way. I'd be lying if I said that Kelly doesn't have laying effects in my life. She shattered my trust and walls have gone up because of that. My wife deserves more affection than I show her. I stumble and stammer and she's given me no reason what so ever to. She's a wonderful woman and I feel a certain level of guilt not being the all around lover she deserves. Talking the real tangible intimacy she should have from me. Even though I show her more intimacy than she's known from any other partner she's had in her life, I know to what level my ability to love is and I'm not meeting than in my perspective.

Maybe that's why I keep insisting you take a real hard look at staying with this girl. Your love may be more than enough for any woman but are you going to end up losing the intensity. Not be able to give to that level again because of her and to someone who truly deserves that kind of love? As unfair as it is to my wife I can't for now. But my life experience has shown me that, in time, I'll be able to live up to my own expectations of loving her. And through all I've been through in my life, thank God my capacity to love hasn't disappeared completely. For her it's enough... Thank God again..... Because... Eventually... I'll be able to live up to my expectations again as far as loving her. Don't misunderstand, I love my wife dearly but to some extent I still hold back some.

 

[Kebuhen]

Thank you for sharing that with me. That's exactly a fear of mine - not being able to give myself to another person the way they deserve. And the way I deserve, also. I don't want to be damaged. I already fear that I am.

She took herself off of her meds. I don't believe her doctor weened her off. Don't quote me on that, though. I think she just made the choice to stop.

There are no investments such as kids, house, etc. Nothing of that sort. So there are no intanglements in walking away. That's a blessing.

That comment about focusing on myself is so very true. I don't think I've ever focused on my needs at all during our two years together. Never. She didn't offer my support, stability, happiness - nothing. I only tried to offer those things to her. She was unable to give them back. I just went without. I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. I haven't even worried about my own happiness in so long I don't even remember.

I forgot that I was allowed to have feelings. I forgot that I wasn't wrong for those feelings. I should have been allowed to express my hurt and need to heal from our past. And just because I said I thought I was over it and turned out I discovered I wasn't - I'm still not wrong for feeling it. I convinced myself I was wrong for not being over it like I had said I was.

She uses PTSD as a crutch to explain her bad behavior. When I talked about how hurt I was, She said "what did you expect from a girl first developing symptoms?" And I get it. But that doesn't invalidate my hurt.

She also blames me because I fought for us. I loved her so much I stayed. So according to her, that excused her of her damaging behavior. She couldn't be held responsible for what happened because I made the choice to keep coming back. Like I forced her to be with me or something.

 

[Obod]

You should just leave. Heal from what she's done to you and move on. Find someone who is stable in the head. Someone who isn't will use you as their crutch and excuse for not feeling with their baggage. PTSD doesn't excuse bad behavior. It's a cop out. I'd someone hasn't tackled their PTSD head on they shouldn't be trying to have a relationship with someone

 

[Kebuhen]

That's what I'm doing now. Trying to heal and move forward. I just feel so torn up because I somehow still feel it was my fault. After she left with that guy and I was really hurt, I sent some text messages telling her how much that and everything else hurt me. And she made me feel like an abuser, myself for that. That I didn't have he right to express my hurt and anger. I think that's what I'm stirgglijg most with at this point. That somehow I'm the abuser when I respond or react to her hurtful actions.

I feel like if I wasn't such a calm natured person, I'd have beat that guys a$$ that night. I feel that given the circumstances, I handled it well. I only told her how much her actions hurt me and how hurt I am from everything. I told her I needed her to stand by me and she left when I finally needed something. She then told me I'm manipulative and abusive and MY words can't affect her or make me go back anymore.

It's just gotten me in a bad place in my head. Feeling like I'm abusive and a bad person. It's messed me up. I just want to move on and let go. But that really messed me up.

 

[Kebuhen]

Excuse me. She said "I'm manipulative and abusive and MY words can't affect her or make *her* go back anymore."