General He's Back

[blueeyedgirl]

DLadi, it's been quite some time since I've been on this site, but felt the need to visit ... I'm feeling that silent tugging in my heart and mind for my ex...

Anyway, believe me when I tell you that your situation - the ups and downs, the high emotional reactivity, the cyclical relationship - it's all so familiar. In one of your posts, you said that only someone familiar with ptsd knows why we deal with it. That comment struck me, as I've been turning the question "WHY????" over and over in my head for over two years now. I need more than what he's given me, more than he even is prepared to give me (although he *did* give me everything and then some of himself at the beginning), and yet I still love him. Still want to hear from him. Still holding out hope. In silence, of course.

It's been two months since my email to him asking what he really wanted from me. I was tired of the fits and stops. Tired of him expecting me to do everything. The results were hate filled emails calling me names. Each response I gave was calm, collected, and mature. Each response he gave was deflective and defensive, telling me that there are many more things in his life more important than me, while strangely sounding like he didn't want to end things. When we're together, we have a blast. We connect in such an easy way. But, it's all this... stuff... in the middle. So, in the end, I said goodbye. I needed to. And, yet I still feel that he's going to come back. I want him to. I love him. How twisted is that??

 

[Ann Onimous]

Blue eyes, there are several carers on this forum just like you. My ex (together 3 years, lived together for 2, broken up for a couple months) did the same thing. He stopped giving and started expecting. He started neglecting me and our close friends while choosing to hang out with new acquaintances. It's almost as if the intimacy became too real.

After my ex bolted suddenly, I did all the usual things. Tried to converse, was firm with him, apologized, begged for him back, tried to be friends... he only would respond if my comments to him suggested never speaking again. And those responses were angry. I would hear that our break-up was all my fault; I would hear, "It's not about you and your problems, it's about me being f---ed up"; once, he told me to go screw myself. And it HURTS that he picked a fight with me, walked out on me with no explanation, and now pins it all on me when I did nothing wrong except make him too comfortable (his words, not mine).

Finally, I gave up. I realize he is suffering, but his suffering has led to my suffering. Rather than make this a chain and roller coaster of suffering, I've decided to stop. I can't sacrifice my well-being to support him any longer. It hurts too much.

 

[Nicolette]

I realize he is suffering, but his suffering has led to my suffering. Rather than make this a chain and roller coaster of suffering, I've decided to stop. I can't sacrifice my well-being to support him any longer.

Very well said Ann.

 

[blueeyedgirl]

Blue eyes, there are several carers on this forum just like you. My ex (together 3 years, lived together for 2, broken up for a couple months) did the same thing. He stopped giving and started expecting. He started neglecting me and our close friends while choosing to hang out with new acquaintances. It's almost as if the intimacy became too real.

After my ex bolted suddenly, I did all the usual things. Tried to converse, was firm with him, apologized, begged for him back, tried to be friends... he only would respond if my comments to him suggested never speaking again. And those responses were angry. I would hear that our break-up was all my fault; I would hear, "It's not about you and your problems, it's about me being f---ed up"; once, he told me to go screw myself. And it HURTS that he picked a fight with me, walked out on me with no explanation, and now pins it all on me when I did nothing wrong except make him too comfortable (his words, not mine).

Finally, I gave up. I realize he is suffering, but his suffering has led to my suffering. Rather than make this a chain and roller coaster of suffering, I've decided to stop. I can't sacrifice my well-being to support him any longer. It hurts too much.

Wow, your experience sounds alot like mine. My ex began feeling too comfortable as well. He knew that I wanted it to work, so he essentially gave me the ultimatum (not verbally, of course) of being fully responsible for the work in the relationship if I wanted it to continue. And, I complied for quite some time. I bought into it all until I began to realize that it was completely one sided. Once I brought it up, he completely denied it, and became incredibly hostile. Naturally, I began to question whether or not I was overreacting since his reaction was so strong. But, I held my ground, because I knew he was expecting me to give in like I had before.

Perhaps it does have something to do with the intimacy being too much. The more intimate a relationship becomes, the more responsibility one has to maintain it. Shallow, new friendships are much easier because nothing is expected. Which probably explains your ex's behavior.

You're right. He's clearly hurting. I've been seeing it coming for some time now. He was on meds (Seraquil and Atavan), but the Seraquil made him so sleepy, and turned him into Dr. Jerkyl/Mr. Hyde, so he came off of it. He said that he felt fine coming off it, only that his temper was back, something he was trying to control. Shortly thereafter, he gave up his apartment and moved in with a female friend old enough to be his mother. The move was bizarre, to say the least, but I intuitively knew his reason for it. Just as Anthony mentioned in the PTSD worksheet, persons untreated will do anything to be taken care of so that they can maintain the status quo in their lives.

During his barrage of hateful emails, he insinuated that if I didn't stop acting "psycho", I'd die alone. I redirected his assumption back to him, telling him that I knew why he'd repeatedly chosen to live with others, and now this move - that it was because of his fear of being alone and dealing with life. As mean as it sounds, I hope that maybe that forced him back into treatment.

I just wish I knew he was ok... But, you're right, his pain has caused pain for me. Even now... Probably because I believe he'll come back. And I don't know how I'd respond if/when he does. Ann, you seem pretty resolute. How have you reconciled that?

 

[Frankie]

Hi Ann Anonimous and blueeyedgirl,

I am in a similar situation, my bf left. We were together for almost 2 wonderful years, moved in together in July of this year and it lasted only 2 weeks. Something happened to trigger him terribly and he left.

I have to say that in the year and a half that we were together, I have never felt the shutting down, never saw the downfall of PTSD, we were so good together, we talked a lot and had a reached a complete understanding, trust and respect of each other.

He was controlling his disorder very well, with meds and was seeing a therapist, and It seemed that being with me was helping him a lot. He wanted to get better and was making all the efforts to get there, he even found a job he liked and was very happy. We loved each other very much and it seemed that we were going to make it.

Unfortunately with PTSD we don't know when something will happen that will make them lose all they have worked so very hard to achieve. And when that happens they go on survival mode. They do the only thing that they can do, and this is to leave.

When he left, I was heartbroken and it felt I was in a very very bad dream. While he was packing I cried and cried and asked him "why ??" of course there were no rational answer. He was a completely different man, all emotions gone, I didn't recognize him anymore. He was hurting and miserable.

I tried not to stress him or push him, I did send him some emails but always "hope you are doing ok" or "I am thinking of you and missing you, take care of yourself".

Now, almost 3 months after he left, I still feel that it is a very bad dream. I heard from him the first week he left......a very short and formal conversation. I hadn't heard anything from him till last week. A short message on yahoo messenger, saying he misses me very much.

Will he come back ? Has he moved on to other things to forget about our relationship and what happened the last few weeks we were together? This is something he has to work out for himself.

I am not hoping, we can't live by hoping. Hoping will only destroy us. We have to move on, learn to be happy again.

We all have choices, he has made his choice, PTSD or not. I know that he knows that I still love him, and I think of him and miss him. But there is nothing more I can do. I wish things were different, I still would want him in my life but how many more times can he leave ? How many more times can I go through this pain ?

Now I have to make the choice of being happy again for my well-being. With him or without him, as hard as it is.

 

[Ann Onimous]

And I don't know how I'd respond if/when he does. Ann, you seem pretty resolute. How have you reconciled that?

I guess I just re-evaluated our relationship. I made him a better man, but when it came to bringing out the best in me, he just didn't do it. I see that now. He said he was "bored and trapped." I called it "inability to be intimate." (He's now dating girls 10 years younger than him that he's met at bars. Hm.)

I don't think I'll hear from him ever again. He's always been able to maintain communication with his ex-girlfriends (the cause of a few arguments between us back in the day). He'd never had a relationship last more than a year before me. We lasted three years. You'd think he wouldn't want to erase me from his life. However, he cannot bring himself to communicate with me. "Why?" I keep asking.

I tell myself that he chooses not to communicate with me because he can't handle it ... because I mattered too much. Even after the break-up, I'm still being treated differently than any woman he's ever dated. I may be way off, but telling myself that gives me some comfort and assures me that I do still matter in a messed-up way.

In fact, if he were to contact me, it would hurt... then I'd know for sure that he was truly over me.

Do I make sense, or is my thinking totally messed up?

I guess that, if you're searching for resolution, find it in yourself. Don't search for it in him because I'm sure he won't be able to give you the resolution you need. Do what you need to do to make yourself feel better.

Frankie and Blueeyed, we're in the same boat here and I think we're all taking the right approach.

 

[blueeyedgirl]

Ann and Frankie,

Thank you, thank you! Sometimes we have the tendency to second guess ourselves - I know I do. But, you both are right. I have done more than enough. And, even if he were to contact me again - I just can't go down that road again. "Goodbye" sounds so permanent and painful. But, it's also a part of life.

Thanks again!

 

[Frankie]

Hi blueeyedgirl,

It is not easy, and very painful for sure....but we have to take care of ourselves before anyone else.

Take care

 

[DLadi]

Update:
The rollercoaster continues.
I gave up on spending Halloween with him and the boys and went to a party with friends. The next morning I went to the football games and all three of them asked where I was the night before. I was a bit shocked but then remembered- my phone didn't ring so... whatever. We spent the day together and had a wonderful day. He had only stayed away for a bit more than a week at that point.
The next day- he needed to be alone. We talked during the week and I went to the games yesterday. We sat and chatted for hours and then when we were at our vehicles I asked if we were going to hang out. He said "I don't care, it doesn't matter to me". I felt like I had been slapped. I walked up to him and asked him to repeat it. He did so I said "Ok, ciao." I then drove home crying, muttering that he shouldn't have said that- I didn't deserve that.
Last night I get the email "I can't handle all of this right now" pushing the blame on me. He's afraid of the holidays being too stressful.. etc.. etc.
I should add that he has his boys full time while his ex is in the desert which is a trigger in itself, and she won't be home until Jan.
I wrote back and reminded him of the wonderful times that we've spent together over the last months and asked that he not let ptsd define who we are together. I asked him to fight for our relationship. I also told him that I won't accept breaking up in an email... has to have a b***s to say it to my face.
I have no hope that he will contact me but I wasn't going to just walk away gracefully.
Yes, I agree... the more intimate our relationship has become- the more he feels the need to bolt. But, I know who he is (or was)- the committment of that intimacy is hard to break. I just need to leave him alone to think about what I said and what he is throwing away. If he doesn't come back... well, I did my best for us all.
Thank you all for being here... I needed this. I'm going back to cleaning every nook and crany while my music is blaring through my house... things I do when I'm ticked off!

 

[Nicolette]

Dlai, I feel for you. The reality is you do have control over whether or not you get back on the roller-coaster for the ride. Do you really deserve selling yourself so short for something that was but is definitely no longer on offer?

Please take care of yourself.

 

[DLadi]

Nicolette,

I really don't know what I want anymore. Last weekend was almost blissful- this past weekend.. not so much! ;~)
I'll just sit quietly and see what unfolds around me. If he comes out of the ptsd/drug stupor... we'll have a long talk whether he likes it or not. A nice calm discussion of what we both want and need. If they don't align as they once did... that's where the road splits.

 

[Nicolette]

Dladi, I spoke to Anthony about when he had uncontrolled PTSD and he said he would want a relationship one week and not the next. His marriage suffered badly and he admits he was horrid at times. The problem is that a lot of emotional damage occurs as a result of this. Anthony also has said that when he got better his ex was used to things being unhealthy and was stuck in the "abuse" situation so she didn't make the changes the relationship needed her to make so it still collapsed.

It's hard to say what is best to do.........I'm sorry for your situation.