Hi Guys I've created threads in Discussion and Dissociation but thought I would introduce myself.
So anyway, my diagnoses are bipolar II, upped diagnosis of depression to severe without psychotic features, new diagnoses of anxiety, PTSD, dissociative disorder/derealization. I think that's it. On a bunch of meds. I'm on my third therapist for trauma (well one was a social worker who, based on what I've read here was approaching things the wrong way). My first therapist said I was traumatized but didn't diagnose me with PTSD per se. The social worker said I have PTSD based on recent relationship with sociopath (label based on my description).
So neglectful upper middle class childhood with alcoholic mother who barely spoke to me. She would go into rages, slamming things around, repeatedly threatened my workaholic absent dad, who barely spoke to me too, with divorce if he didn't do this or that. I had food, clothing, roof over my head - - never felt my life was in danger. So that's that. Just some background.
Fast forward to recent one year abusive relationship with sex/porn and alcohol addicted, suspected pedophile and pet killer, thought disordered guy with paranoia and 2 personality disorders (for real, of course no idea of this when I met him.) Major escalation of abuse after I moved in with him (I got out before it got physical). Some examples: When I was living with him, after a while one night very late he kept saying angrily with a menacing look, "If the cops come, I'm not the one who will be leaving." We had been arguing. I was terrified and literally begged him to not kick me out. I had burned through my monthly trust distribution and maxed out credit card. No regular cab service or bus, not the best neighborhood and it was a strange city. Had nowhere to go except maybe a women's shelter or something, didn't know where one was, no friends. Made it through the night without incident. He would also go into rages and throw things against the walls, breaking them. One time the object narrowly missed my head. Yelled that he felt like busting up his t.v. and laptop. Just very afraid.
Another time while I was there, he threatened to force me in his car, drive me to the worst part of nearby [large city] and kick me out of the car. He had a large hunting knife that he showed me. Terrified again. Nothing happened. The threats/intimidation continued once I got out and moved back to mid-sized city. One night he said he put on ad on craigslist giving my name, address and phone number with the implication that I was an escort (have never done that btw). I was terrified that some unruly guy would bust down my door and harm me. Nothing happened.I never saw a craigslist ad. Another time he said he had connections all over the place and was going to arrange to have a "black guy rape [me] and give me HIV." Given this guy's rages, history and instability, including one time where he got so enraged he "had to" microwave a pet, I didn't put anything past him. Scared again.
So quite an ordeal. No flashbacks per se but am triggered easily or ruminating about stuff. He only has my address with no other way of contacting me. In terms of stabilization, well . I have been in derealization full time for three months. Absolutely can't relax and have internet addiction because of that and to avoid, worried about leaving the house for some reason, basic self harm by hardly eating. Never have suicidal ideation. I want to eat normally, have more balance in my life (i.e., drastically reduce internet use), BE FREE OF DEREALIZATION, learn/use healthier coping skills and talk about this stuff to a professional.
That's it for now. Too exhausted for more. These are the highlights anyway. Looking forward to continued interaction with you guys, especially I guess if my new therapist (seeing her next week) thinks I have PTSD. She has a PhD and professes to specialize in trauma work. We'll see.
So anyway, my diagnoses are bipolar II, upped diagnosis of depression to severe without psychotic features, new diagnoses of anxiety, PTSD, dissociative disorder/derealization. I think that's it. On a bunch of meds. I'm on my third therapist for trauma (well one was a social worker who, based on what I've read here was approaching things the wrong way). My first therapist said I was traumatized but didn't diagnose me with PTSD per se. The social worker said I have PTSD based on recent relationship with sociopath (label based on my description).
So neglectful upper middle class childhood with alcoholic mother who barely spoke to me. She would go into rages, slamming things around, repeatedly threatened my workaholic absent dad, who barely spoke to me too, with divorce if he didn't do this or that. I had food, clothing, roof over my head - - never felt my life was in danger. So that's that. Just some background.
Fast forward to recent one year abusive relationship with sex/porn and alcohol addicted, suspected pedophile and pet killer, thought disordered guy with paranoia and 2 personality disorders (for real, of course no idea of this when I met him.) Major escalation of abuse after I moved in with him (I got out before it got physical). Some examples: When I was living with him, after a while one night very late he kept saying angrily with a menacing look, "If the cops come, I'm not the one who will be leaving." We had been arguing. I was terrified and literally begged him to not kick me out. I had burned through my monthly trust distribution and maxed out credit card. No regular cab service or bus, not the best neighborhood and it was a strange city. Had nowhere to go except maybe a women's shelter or something, didn't know where one was, no friends. Made it through the night without incident. He would also go into rages and throw things against the walls, breaking them. One time the object narrowly missed my head. Yelled that he felt like busting up his t.v. and laptop. Just very afraid.
Another time while I was there, he threatened to force me in his car, drive me to the worst part of nearby [large city] and kick me out of the car. He had a large hunting knife that he showed me. Terrified again. Nothing happened. The threats/intimidation continued once I got out and moved back to mid-sized city. One night he said he put on ad on craigslist giving my name, address and phone number with the implication that I was an escort (have never done that btw). I was terrified that some unruly guy would bust down my door and harm me. Nothing happened.I never saw a craigslist ad. Another time he said he had connections all over the place and was going to arrange to have a "black guy rape [me] and give me HIV." Given this guy's rages, history and instability, including one time where he got so enraged he "had to" microwave a pet, I didn't put anything past him. Scared again.
So quite an ordeal. No flashbacks per se but am triggered easily or ruminating about stuff. He only has my address with no other way of contacting me. In terms of stabilization, well . I have been in derealization full time for three months. Absolutely can't relax and have internet addiction because of that and to avoid, worried about leaving the house for some reason, basic self harm by hardly eating. Never have suicidal ideation. I want to eat normally, have more balance in my life (i.e., drastically reduce internet use), BE FREE OF DEREALIZATION, learn/use healthier coping skills and talk about this stuff to a professional.
That's it for now. Too exhausted for more. These are the highlights anyway. Looking forward to continued interaction with you guys, especially I guess if my new therapist (seeing her next week) thinks I have PTSD. She has a PhD and professes to specialize in trauma work. We'll see.
