Here we go !
8 months ago I became worried I had contracted HIV or perhaps another STD as a result of a very poorly judged and drunken sexual encounter.
I normally consider myself to be pretty unshakable but from that night on my health has fallen apart.
Within 1 week I was suffering from agonising testicular pain , night sweats and only sleeping for 2-3 hours per night. Within 2 weeks i had anxiety which was crippling..I was literally pacing up and down and shaking .
Underlying all of this was the worry that i had contracted an illness. I visited my GP who initially suspected ( from my physical symptoms ) that I had epididmitis ( testicular swelling )as a result of an infection. I have since read that testicular pain is a common symptom of anxiety.
He prescribed antibiotics and i had a full set of STD tests carried out all of which proved clear....I had to wait 3 moths for a definitive HIV test , during which time i was really on edge , constantly googling about HIV and only sleeping 3 hours or so each night.
My muscles were aching , i felt totally tired like i had flu , i was getting strange pains all over my body , headaches , shooting pains in my jaw , difficulty swallowing etc
Every walking moment i was convincing myself i had aids , would die in disgrace , lose my family etc. I kept it all to myself.
i would fall asleep ok , but wake up worried. I couldnt get back to sleep.
I would need to go to the toilet soon after waking to clear my bowels ( just like i was nervous for an exam ) Occasionally I would cry , I got to the point i didnt want to get out of bed . Getting up felt like such an effort , I was so tired but couldnt sleep.
If i did try to go back to sleep i would just be drifting of when WHOOSH i had a feeling in my head like a rush of adrenaline , was i falling or had someone just shaken me awake...nope It was awful. I just had to wait until i was exhausted before my body would let me sleep.
After 3 months I tested all clear and expected all my worries and symptoms to disapear.
Now 5 months aftr the all clear on HIV , and having had a negative result on every blood test and scan the doc can think of I am still up and down like a yo yo.
Everyday my brain feels foggy , I often wake feeling a pressure in my head , some times my brain feels like it is fizzing , other times it feels like it is floating in fluid..concentration is difficult.
Sleep is better , sometime 6 hours , sometimes 4 or 5 but always short of the 7 hours i used to enjoy.
I have fatigue , awful fatigue , I cant bring myself to exercise or sometimes to go to work....Lying down makes me feel better though.
Other symptoms come and go , including numb hands and feet , blurred close up vision and a sharp headache rising from my neck which lasts 2 or 3 seconds.
The testicular pain is always there too..always in the background but not quite as bad.
If i power through the fatigue , i end up exhausted , crying and with a feeling of total despair
I have been to a therapist who encourages me to talk , but i stopped that...i didnt feel it was helping me . I haven't seen a Phsychiatrist
I still have part of me that thinks i have an illness , virus or infection...maybe the doc missed something ?...but with every passing negative test only the increasingly rare and unlikely conditions remain to be explored.
I am coming to the conclusion that living with all encompassing worry , convinced i was going to die ( irrationally ) for a solid 3 moths has left me with PTSD.
I do feel i am a little better than I was , but just dont know if what I have is PTSD ?
Oh I should add that my doc suggested anti depressants , setraline a couple of months ago..i took them for 3 days.
Within 6 hours of taking the first one i had anxiety like i never knew was possible. I was hyperventilating and pacing. .I persisted for 3 days before giving up.
Is my experience typical or consistent with PTSD...I cant believe that i have gone from a confident man , running 2 businesses and constantly buzzing around to a wreck .
Your thoughts and experiences and feedback would all be gratefully received .
