Hi Everyone

[Micah]

I think like the rest of you, I just need to talk. I was raped and almost died when I was 14 and have been a mess ever since. For years and years I dealt with the pain without telling anyone. I didn't deal well of course and suffered other abuses during that time. About six years ago I moved away and finally opened up to the man I almost married. He turned out to be abusive as well and used what I'd told him against me. I've spent years letting myself get treated awfully because I feel I deserve it in some twisted way. My current relationship actually seems to be a healthy one and now I find myself scared. I feel I can trust him and open up to him, but I need to talk to someone who understands PTSD as well.

I feel like most of the time these days I have my life in a pretty good place. I have a son and am trying my best to be the best person I can be. It's just those days when something triggers me and I feel that panic rise up that I worry that I'm not as together as I'd like to think. I wish it didn't take so much work to function.

I quickly read through a couple entries before writing and this seems like a good empathetic group. It's nice to know there's people to talk to.

 

[ISupportHer]

Welcome.

First, I am glad you are here. I cannot even pretend to know how you feel but am glad you feel you can share a little in your introduction.

Trust is such a hard thing, especialy with your specific circumstances. I hope that at some time you can share with your partner. But that has to be on YOUR terms. I certainly hear you as you touch on why it would be hard for you.

I really feel you will find many you can talk with who have had similar experiences. This is a good place to be for that!

 

[shiraz]

Hi Micah,

Welcome to the forum.

I am sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time. you deserve Love and peace and health and happiness .... nothing less!

((hugs))

Shiraz

 

[Jubilation4Me]

Hello Micah,

Welcome, and I hope you are able to find some good helpful resources here. I am also new to the forum. I, like yourself, did some reading before joining and this, in fact, feels like a very safe place to be.

I was fortunate enough to meet my husband 13 years ago and we've been together ever since. This has been the first and only healthy and safe relationship I've ever had. It's still somewhat scary for me at times, even after all these years. I guess it's because I was so used to being in toxic relationships with abusive people, and it's still hard to get used to somebody that treats me well and doesn't hurt me. It was real hard for me to become comfortable with that since I wasn't used to being treated properly.

The cPTSD has been a problem in my relationship for the past few months. My family is just beginning to really understand what it actually means. I've always had IT.....IT just took ME over for the past several weeks. I've acted in ways that they've never seen me act before, and said and done things that were totally out of my character, simply because it took over and I couldn't control it. It was awful, but I'm feeling somewhat human again now.

I'm glad that you feel good and healthy in your relationship. You deserve it! I'm glad you've found the forum and I hope you feel comfortable here. I've already found a great deal of comfort here myself.

 

[Micah]

Thanks guys. I wish it wasn't so hard to talk to people around me about this stuff. In some ways I feel that there are people I have grown apart from simply by not telling them this part of my life. I feel like I could never possibly tell anyone who knew me before I moved about anything. I feel like they would be hurt and feel awful for having not helped me at the time. I turned inward for so long and then when I finally reached out I got hurt again. I finally feel like I might have found someone who I can talk to in a loving, safe environment, but then I worry that I'll turn my relationship into some kind of venting thing. There's got to be a good balance. I sure hope I manage to find it.

I'm glad you mentioned it being hard to get used to being treated well Jubilation, because I feel that too. I find myself expecting to be hurt. I hope that goes away some time. I trust him and I really do believe most people are good, but I also know that I'm really good at attracting people who want to destroy me.

 

[amethist]

Hi Micha

Welcome to the forum

Everyone deserves love, peace, health, happiness and understanding as others have already mentioned.

Here you will find loads of understanding, along with help support and advice, which hopefully in time will lead to a bit more peace in your life.

Trust is a hard thing to give someone when you have been hurt so bad by others in the past.

I hope you manage to find all you ask for in time.

Take care and good luck.

Amethist.