Sufferer Hi from ant - cptsd & ocd

[AntAnt]

Hi All

My name is Ant.

4 years ago I was diagnosed with Severe Thought Based OCD. This summer I went to a bad place and have been receiving counselling. They thought I was Bipolar?but after seeing the specialist team I was diagnosed 2 weeks ago with CPTSD. Bit of a shock to me and I am still getting used to the diagnosis. I am reading up about it, though I am a complete novice to the subject. On a google I found this place and thought I would join as it looks a good place.

small background: I had a violent mother who tried to kill me when I was young. She would also insult me at every opportunity and was handy with her feet and fist towards me. ended up spending months in a children's hospital, probably for stress related something? where they filled me with pills. I had become mute by this stage and came out of that with a terrible stammer. I was the perfect target for bullies and spent most of my childhood avoiding people. Early adulthood I moved away from home and become reclusive. Went to work, hardy socialised as I hated it. One day early 20s, I had a feeling of despair that was lower than I had ever had before.I was numb to anything. There was nothing else I could do and I tried to take my own life.Before it was too late I was found. Saved by medics, sent to crisis team, dismissed the following day.

I am now 60 and until 4 years ago I had no idea that I had any conditions.I just believed I was bad, evil, and crazy. CPTSD diagnosis has stunned me.I read about it and I see myself. I also see that there is a hope that I can finally control the monsters in my mind. I start trauma therapy in a few weeks. I know the healing, understanding, and moving on, will take a long time. But I have my feet on that path now. I have no idea where it will all go, but I am happy to follow the path.

I am waffling away here. Thought I would say hello, explain a little about myself, and I hope to get to know a few of you on here.

Thanks All

Ant

 

[AntAnt]

I have no idea how to edit my post?

I am 50, not 60.

I also wonder why things were missed in me until later life when the opportunity to diagnose me was there in my earlier days.

 

[ladee]

Welcome @AntAnt , so happy you found us... yes, getting used to the idea of CPTSD can be both mind blowing and also very comforting knowing 'it' has a name and there is hope.... why didn't they catch it sooner... because we present in many different ways.... all we know for sure is that we are nuts, fear of being locked up keeps us from telling what all is going on in our head.., the crazy things we say and do...

But you are in the right place to understand PTSD better, to find out you are not alone, that many feel and think just like you do... and will have access to many articles and books that others have used or are using now to help us educate our self.

Very happy to hear you are starting trauma therapy !!! Getting down to business right away is awesome.. not wasting time and starting to educate yourself... that is an amazing start !!!!

Again, happy you found us... you do not have walk this healing journey alone.... gentle hugs of welcome if you accept... if not ready for hugs, put them on a shelf and take one down as needed !!!

 

[AnD]

Welcome!
You have to pay membership fee to edit.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @AntAnt... This is a good place to start.... I'm so sorry your mum did that to you..... Nobody deserves that.... Nobody...

You will find the people here have PTSD or CPTSD... Or both. They offer support, wisdom, advice and lots of hugs. Weird thing to say but I'm glad you found us.... Take care....

 

[Justmehere]

Welcome to the forums!

I have no idea how to edit my post?

Editing is a paid feature. Please address any further forum questions to a help ticket. Thanks!

 

[AntAnt]

Thank you all.

I am still pretty new to all of this, but I will find my way around the forum and I have started reading a few threads.

 

[Saywhat]

Hi All

My name is Ant.

4 years ago I was diagnosed with Severe Thought Based OCD. This summer I went t...

Hey AntAnt, I am new here, too. I am also older and was treated for bi-polar disorder and depression, lots of pills, some ETC, some paccusations that i "didn't really want to get better." So, before I turn this into an all-about-me post, I just want to say, oh, thank goodness, I'm not the only one. Sorry for all that you have gone through, and wish you the best on your healing journey.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Welcome @AntAnt! So glad you're here!

 

[Scarlet13]

Hi,
So I had similar issues as you. My mother constantly ridiculed and insulted me and she would allow dangerous things to happen to me. Like my stepfather tried to kill me a few times and literally wanted me dead (he was a bit of a psychopath) and he would threaten my life like on the daily. I did not have a lot of needs met like we often did not have normal food or I did not get appropriate clothes. So, I was really, really bullied, like treated like I had leprosy practically.

I have some OCD (not really enough to be actually diagnosed) but my OCDness comes out of these traumas. I constantly think someone will kill me and I struggle with immense anxiety over clothing and food. So, like if my clothes shrink in the laundry this terrifies me and I get all OCD about clothes not ever shrinking again. Or I obsess over if food is bad or not because I had to eat spoiled food growing up.
Sometimes I just feel like throwing away everything, all the food and clothes in sort of an antihoarder kind of way. I really struggle with Christmas and getting things because of this.

I think that you can come to a diagnosis late because trauma is still not entirely recognized or understood by a lot of providers and often you can get other diagnosis that you do not really have.
I felt such a sense of relief when I got the diagnosis of CPTSD.

 

[AntAnt]

Thanks All

I just went through life thinking I was nuts. I knew I was different to people though I had no idea that I had any mental health problems, seems obvious really when you think about it. This has affected my jobs, relationships, and when highly stressed I have gone and gambled as a form of escapism.

I have to agree with you Scarlet that the CPTSD diagnosis is becoming a relief. For the first time ever I can see what is inside me, I can see who I am. Things are starting to make sense and I have never been so keen to get to therapy.

Long road ahead, but I am on it.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi Ant and welcome to the forum.

I am so sorry how your mother mistreated you and abused you and I am so glad that you are in therapy and here for support. Your healing process will develop faster dealing with your traumas and you will get so much support her. I am looking forwards to getting to know you better.:hug: