Hi From Southern California

[raidershero]

Hi all. This will be the first time I've ever reached out to anyone about anything PTSD related. It's been over 9 years since I was discharged and my last deployment. Only recently have I started giving any merit to the thought of PTSD.

Over the past 2 years I've started drinking much more, smoking weed frequently, and I've put on over 50 pounds. I have a really short fuse with the wife and kids. I'm really good at internalizing everything, and disassociation is my forte. That's how I managed to make it through that hell-hole in Ramadi, by just tuning out.

I constantly downplay my symptoms in my mind. I am constantly telling myself, "There are guys that watched their buddies die, and guys that lost limbs, etc. Those guys have PTSD. You're just being a pussy."

Well, I didn't watch it happen, but I know many guys that died while I was there. Been in my share of firefights, almost been hit by a sniper and IED's, had a mortar land 8 feet from the building I was lying in between guard shifts. Many close calls but no actual gore for me.

To make a shitty story long, I guess I'm looking for someone to tell me it's OK to feel like I need help. I always feel like I have to shoulder the burden and shield myself and my family from everything. When is it my turn to have someone shoulder this emotional burden for me? I just need someone to say, "Hey, I'll carry your ruck for a few miles, bro. Just keep moving. I got you."

Am I just being a pussy or can the stress of living in this type of environment and having close-calls like this actually cause PTSD? I feel like I'm going to explode sometimes because all of this is just causing me to burst at the seams.

Sorry for the long-winded post. That all just came rushing out of me. I really needed to vent I think.

Thanks.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Welcome bro I was in the same boat with it for awhile until the drinking got so bad I was blacking out all the time being carried home, or ending up in jail. I too didn't get any gore thankfully. But also lost many guys I knew or spoke to. All the close calls with IED's, Strike, ambushes an shoot outs were plenty enough to cause PTSD. The constant life or death flight or flight response being triggered over and over again. No need to apologize either, when I came on here I posted prob one of the longest intro's lol.

Venting is good. I found myself venting among family with alcohol during the black out days and I would wake up in the morning beating the living shit out of myself mentally for even speaking about it for a day or two afterwards. I was warned even by those who had been through it before, "Alcohol only compounds what ever problems you're facing." It's a huge downer but it took me getting into trouble an many close calls to finally put the booze down. I drink some wine every now and again but other than that man booze has got to go. Healthy alternative would be venting to a Therapist.
Or fellow veterans on here as well.

Gunna have to fight to regain control of the inner voice that beats us up internally. And turn that mofo positive eventually. It's a process but if I can improve so can anyone else. I gotchu. It is A-Okay to need help bro. And it's good you are seeking for it.

 

[BaMuoiBa]

Take a knee Raider - your among friendlies here.

I constantly downplay my symptoms in my mind. I am constantly telling myself, "There are guys that watched their buddies die, and guys that lost limbs, etc. Those guys have PTSD. You're just being a pussy

Yup, the beast plays that tune between your ears all day long. I'm just an Ol' Nam shit and it took me 40+ years to finally reach out for help. I did the booze, jail more than once for a long time - been out of jail and sober 27 years and still arm wrestle with the beast daily. No quick fix I can assure you. You can keep the beast on his side of the room and maybe not under your roof. The wife and the kids are the usual victims because they are close by. Without counseling it will be hard for them to understand what going on with you. If possible find a Vet Center and they can clue you in on the process. That's what they are there for to help you readjust - it's never too late. In the meantime feel free to brose the site lot of information and some lighthearted discussions.

We'll carry your ruck for a bit brother - that's what battle buddies do!

Ba

 

[raidershero]

You guys are awesome. Just having validation through your replies is so relieving I can't even begin to describe it. I've thought about bringing it up at my quarterly VA Psych eval (what a joke, 4 times a year?), but every time I think about saying this stuff out loud to a real person I start feeling stupid and childish. How the hell do I get past that? Do you guys use the VA for mental health or would I be better off seeking private treatment?

The VA recently laid off all of the psych docs at my local facility and brought in all new faces. My new doc is awful.

 

[CyclePath]

I'm new here too and you're welcome here. I fought seeking treatment myself for about 10 or 11 years before I threw in the proverbial towel and asked for help about six weeks ago. The hardest part so far has been convincing myself to do exactly that. I guess I got tired of drinking too much (so I could sleep), eating motrin like M&M's (because verything hurts), and being a really good all-around general asshole most of the time. Hell, I think everyone that knows me has become conditioned to me like I am and expects it. Anyway, the mental health folks have been all ears and have done everything they can to help me. This site has been a great help as well. Tons of smart folks here and information in the other forums. My advice is to get yourself some help before you end up creating some collatoral damage.

 

[vikingr24]

I got out of 'Nam and thought, wow, I made it out alive. Almost didn't. And then got busy with school and just trying to catch up. Then, 10 years after almost to the day, a breakdown basically. Went for years before they finally diagnosed me with PTSD. They did not know much about it then. So you are among friends. there is help here. Sure helped me.

Grab some coffee. Got some catching up to do.....

PS. I told the VA to do the anatomically impossible years ago and have been happier since. But your choice. It's a merry go round either way. We can help....

 

[raidershero]

Just want to thank everyone for the show of support. I'll be in touch with my PCP this week to discuss my options. I'll post an update once I finally get in.

 

[raidershero]

So I sent a secure email to the VA Patient Advocate inquiring about getting help for PTSD-like symptoms. This is there response:

After reviewing your medical records, we can see that you have been evaluated by at least 3 psychiatrist since 2007, and none of them have given you a diagnosis of PTSD. You can speak to your psychiatrist (Dr XXXXX) on your next appointment about it which is 8/18 @ 930am. Unfortunately, PTSD is a specialty clinic and you need to be referred by a provider in order to get a evaluation/assessment. You were referred 8/2/2007 to PTSD clinic and evaluated in the clinic and at that time, you did not meet criteria for PTSD. If you need to contact your psychiatrist for a sooner appointment, feel free to call the clinic at xxx-xxx-xxxx M-F 8-430pm

Thank you
​

I'm not surprised by this, really, but it still angers me a bit. Who do I talk to next if this is the response I get from the Patient Advocate? I never received a PTSD diagnosis because we never, ever discussed it. We jumped straight into ADHD & Bipolar, and I was given mood stabilizers and stimulants, both of which mirror PTSD symptoms. Why can't they see this?

I specifically mentioned to them in my email that this is something I haven't had a problem with until recently, but apparently that sailed right over them. I think I'm awfully close to seeking private assistance outside the VA. I just don't know if I can afford it.

I'm a bit angry and confused. I really don't think I have ADHD or Bipolar disorder. If anyone has any suggestions I'm all ears.

P.S. - I did receive a PTSD diagnosis by a private Doctor with Kaiser back in 2010. I don't think they have that in my records though.

 

[Grizzly]

You should take that 2010 diagnosis of PTSD into your doctor. There is a way for them to put it into your records.

Your symptoms sound like PTSD and as you described, events could be found under the DSM-V. You would need to look up than, see if your symptoms fit. Explain that to your doctor. The VA also has an online PTSD screening tool that can give you a good indication.

Your symptom since 2010 may have improved. The doctor may feel it's more bipolar or closer to GAD. That's their specialty though. I can only state what is written. And I'm scatter brained right now, so take it for what it's worth.

If you are seeking a DX for PTSD. You will still need a DX from a VA mental health professional as far as compensation is concerned. A civilian DX isn't acceptable. But it provides extra substantial evidence to a claim.

 

[raidershero]

You should take that 2010 diagnosis of PTSD into your doctor. There is a way for them to put it into your records.

Your symptoms sound like PTSD and as you described, events could be found under the DSM-V. You would need to look up than, see if your symptoms fit. Explain that to your doctor. The VA also has an online PTSD screening tool that can give you a good indication.

Your symptom since 2010 may have improved. The doctor may feel it's more bipolar or closer to GAD. That's their specialty though. I can only state what is written. And I'm scatter brained right now, so take it for what it's worth.

If you are seeking a DX for PTSD. You will still need a DX from a VA mental health professional as far as compensation is concerned. A civilian DX isn't acceptable. But it provides extra substantial evidence to a claim.

Thanks for the reply. Not really looking for a DX. I just want to get help. I have several other things I could add to my current rating, but I choose not to, simply because I don't really need it. Save mine and give it to someone else who does need it. I just don't like feeling out of control. I did take the PTSD screening, as you mentioned. It said my results are consistent with the symptoms of PTSD and I should see a qualified physician immediately for a complete assessment.

I don't envy those who have to make this diagnosis. Reading through the DSM it's almost impossible to distinguish ADHD from Bipolar from PTSD based on symptoms alone.

 

[Grizzly]

I don't envy those who have to make this diagnosis. Reading through the DSM it's almost impossible to distinguish ADHD from Bipolar from PTSD based on symptoms alone.

Yes, many of the symptoms overlap. That's why it takes a good Dr. to be able to distinguish those symptoms. This is one reason why there is a PCL-C (civilian) and a PCL-M (military) which has now evolved into the PCL-5 under the DSM-5 manual.

If you have an SC rating you should already be eligible for help through the VA mental health. Ask your PCP for an appointment asap. Speak the truth on how you feel and tell them how you're feeling on your worst days. Triggers, stressors etc. need brought into the open.

 

[vikingr24]

Bear in mind, the VA will avoid a PTSD diagnosis at all costs. So they will tag you with something else that is "curable" or "treatable" rather than something that takes a long time to square away if at all.

It takes an experienced doctor to diagnose true bipolar. And ADHD is diagnosed almost like a cold these days. Do your homework, go to a good psych, be patient with your wife and kids (you will need them), and stick with us.