Hi, I Just Found This Site Today

[Phoenix Summer]

I'm writing this because I need help, recently I just started to have sex with my boyfriend, and everytime I do I get a panic attack. and ever since I've started I keep getting flashbacks, of someone restraining me and a feeling of intense pain, it seems terrifying but it's like i'm not connected to the fear directly, I half the time feel nothing, the other half despair and utter terror. I don't know if I was raped or not, if these feelings and images are true. But my hiemen was broken before I had sex for the first time, and I found out I have vaginismus (were your vagina closes if something gets near it, can be caused by trauma) all I know is when I read that I wasn't surprised, and the pain I felt while having sex felt familiar. If anyone has any ideas on what I should do it would be deeply appreciated, I'm scared, and I don't know how to deal with this

 

[Nyx]

Hi Phoenix. Try going to a counselor, a therapist and sharing what bothers you. They are able to direct you and guide in discovering what lies underneath these flashbacks. Do you see a face or just have a feeling you are restrained?

 

[Phoenix Summer]

Sometimes I get an outline of a face, I will try a psychologist thanks.

<Edit by Nyx - please mind basic grammar>

 

[Nyx]

I'm sorry you are fighting this. I sometimes wondered what if I didn't remember, but reading your words lets me know it's not okay, as it cmes back to haunt you...

 

[Muzikluvr]

I'd go see a Therapist, and be careful what you read on here. It's difficult to maintain autonomy sometimes, and since you don't know for sure what happened, your memory can be confused by similar stories of trauma. I think if you're self aware, you can ask yourself what exactly you find in common, and analyze your anxiety level, your level of disconnect... etc.

When I was unable to remember being raped, I would be triggered, dissociate (disconnect) and have no idea what triggered me. Everything before the triggering would be wiped from my mind. I missed classes, got on the wrong bus, forgot to meet a friend... etc. all because something triggered me and I couldn't remember what. So, at least while reading the forum, you could make some reference to the post that leads you to dissociate so you can come back to it later or discuss it with a therapist.

 

[Phoenix Summer]

I went to a psychologist who I've known since I was a little kid. I would like to know what happened very badly but my therapist said she doesn't do recovered memories, and she thinks I should just leave it alone. I don't know how to retrieve the memory assuming there even is one. and I need to know thank you for the advice.

 

[Phoenix Summer]

The reason I want to know so bad is because I have a strong suspicion that I've done something very bad, I can't shake it and I need to know. Do you guys know any methods to remembering memories? Anything would be helpful. Thanks.

<Edit by Nyx - please capitalize first words in sentence>

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to forum. :)

I really don't think you should try to 'recover memories' by yourself. Anything to do with your brain like that is dangerous territory.

Maybe you should try another therapist...maybe that just isn't her specialty and she not willing to say she's not sure how to help you. Also recovering memories ( if we are talking of the same thing. memories recovered from hypnoses for example) can be false. You might have had a difference experience then what your recovered memory tells you.

Write down what is triggering you. Be very specify and don't be afraid to share with a therapist. Example would be...I have major triggers with my breasts. So bad I can get violent if my husband touches them when I am not expecting it. I would write down how I feel, what it feels like and what memories it brings up. Your therpist should help you from there.

All IMHO. Hope this helps. :)

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Welcome to the forum, Phoenix!

I agree with everyone so far. You definitely should be working closely with a trauma therapist. In this kind of situation you really need an objective supporter. Working with a therapist who focuses on Somatic Experiencing, creative arts, or sand play may be helpful to bring your past experiences to the forefront unconsciously without going to the extreme of hypnosis, which may or may not be valid.

Best wishes on the tough journey!

 

[sassy17]

I just found this site in the past couple of weeks. At the time, I had just discovered the person who assaulted me has caused harm to 2 others who are coming or have came forward. Since it was 6-7 yrs ago, I dont think about things often. Now it seems that there are constant reminders. This afternoon I was watching Special Victims Unit. As the story unraveled, there were so many similiarites in what happened to me. This felt so strange because mine seems anything but usual. It described the life of the offender almost to a T. I should have turned it off but I didnt. By the end, I have that frozen feeling, and dont even know how it ended as my mind was taken back-my eyes on the tv-brain somewhere else. Since I learned of other victims, I am just feeling lost.