I'm not sure where to start... I was diagnosed (informally, though) with Ptsd. Shortly after, I stopped seeing my counselor. She said I had severe ptsd but I did not want to face that.
Growing up, my mom was emotionally distant and cruel at times. She did not allow me to express anger/ sadness so I learned to hide all negative emotions from others. I was criticised most of the time, even when I tried to do my best. I was a "pleaser" but nothing was ever good enough for her. My dad was very kind but almost never home--always working.
I was sexually assaulted by my Grandfather when I was 15. It was not anything extreme but still humiliating/ degrading/ shaming. I just tried to forget about it.
I married the first man who said he loved me. We eloped with no family present, against my wishes. I wanted to wait 2 years but he somehow talked me into marrying him in 2 weeks. He was emotionally abusive from the start. Then he became more and more s. demanding and eventually violently violated me more than a handful of times. But before things got really bad, I had 5 miscarriages in 7 years. So I was already going through a lot. But he never wanted to hear me talk to him about how much I was hurting inside. After the last miscarriage in 2005, he refused to see me in the hospital, blamed me for the miscarriage, and then threw something at my head a week after I came home. He missed hitting me, but I fell to the floor, curled up into a ball, and cried/ hyperventilated. Then he came to me and got in my face and said, "You're crazy!"
It was after this that things got much worse and he began forcing me to do things I told him I did not want to do. I left him 5 times in 4 years. I always returned for some reason--wanting to believe he could change/ not feeling I could make it on my own/ dealing with strange symptoms and depression. Eventually, I did go to a counselor. But that did not last long. I could not take talking about things. The last time he forced me was just 3 months ago. But I am so numb right now, I feel almost nothing. I can pretend nothing happened, but then the rest of my life is messed up because I have almost no motivation...Things I used to enjoy just seem hum-drum. I blame myself for everything. Maybe if I was a better wife...but I know the truth--just don't want to face it.
Growing up, my mom was emotionally distant and cruel at times. She did not allow me to express anger/ sadness so I learned to hide all negative emotions from others. I was criticised most of the time, even when I tried to do my best. I was a "pleaser" but nothing was ever good enough for her. My dad was very kind but almost never home--always working.
I was sexually assaulted by my Grandfather when I was 15. It was not anything extreme but still humiliating/ degrading/ shaming. I just tried to forget about it.
I married the first man who said he loved me. We eloped with no family present, against my wishes. I wanted to wait 2 years but he somehow talked me into marrying him in 2 weeks. He was emotionally abusive from the start. Then he became more and more s. demanding and eventually violently violated me more than a handful of times. But before things got really bad, I had 5 miscarriages in 7 years. So I was already going through a lot. But he never wanted to hear me talk to him about how much I was hurting inside. After the last miscarriage in 2005, he refused to see me in the hospital, blamed me for the miscarriage, and then threw something at my head a week after I came home. He missed hitting me, but I fell to the floor, curled up into a ball, and cried/ hyperventilated. Then he came to me and got in my face and said, "You're crazy!"
It was after this that things got much worse and he began forcing me to do things I told him I did not want to do. I left him 5 times in 4 years. I always returned for some reason--wanting to believe he could change/ not feeling I could make it on my own/ dealing with strange symptoms and depression. Eventually, I did go to a counselor. But that did not last long. I could not take talking about things. The last time he forced me was just 3 months ago. But I am so numb right now, I feel almost nothing. I can pretend nothing happened, but then the rest of my life is messed up because I have almost no motivation...Things I used to enjoy just seem hum-drum. I blame myself for everything. Maybe if I was a better wife...but I know the truth--just don't want to face it.
