Sufferer Hi, I'm In Pain

[Deleted member 28403]

I'm currently 14 years old and have been harshly bullied for 6-7 years.
I have a great trauma, but only way for me to talk about and have it still be bearable is on the internet (Currently I'm just crying, instead of a total breakdown).
I will go backwards, as my current situation is better.
Right now I can normally talk only to people many might call a bad company, my best friend occasionally takes drugs, and is the only one that understands.
She told me not to hang out with her 'cuz of the company she is in, but I can't see much worse than my current situation.
All I can do is try to escape, though I don't take any drugs.
I've lost quite a lot of my capabilities, I have poor eyesigh and hearing...
To escape from the terror of memory, I just read books, but that is not enough to ignore the memory, to reject the voices (some in real world, and some crawling from my memory) I listen to really loud music and feed my brain with anything that isn't a memory.
I sleep around 3 hours a night, as only thing waiting for me are nightmares.
I'm afraid to close my eyes, because I often get painful memories from that.
Most of the time I have diarrhea.
I can't have normal friends, I act to wierdnfor everyone, so my total friend count comes around 1-2.
Good thing is thatnI'm safe behind the screen, or else I could never open my self without so much pain.
The whole time I've been typing this, I have cried.
The trauma on me can somewhat relate to german language where Traum is dream, as my dreams, if any, are nightmares.
I'm smart and my IQ was neasured as outstandingly high, but I can barely function sometimes because of the memories.
I can't work in normal surrounding, and I can't achieve anything.
I have a constant fear of completely failing in life and can't make friends.
That would be it for now.
Thank you for hearing out my sorrowful cry.

 

[anthony]

I am so sorry to hear this @otakujome, there is nothing worse than a kid being bullied just because they're different from others. I think people can be cruel when its just not necessary.

I'm glad you're here and talking, that is atleast a start for you. Well done. High IQ often comes with bullying, unfortunately, as people don't understand how to communicate and participate with those smarter than them. Just know that it isn't your fault, and bully's own what they do. You are the victim here.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think you are very brave for posting on the internet and reaching out for help! Please keep on posting as I think that it could help you to connect with others who are suffering from PTSD. I know there are others here who have dealt with bad bullying as well.

Welcome to the forum!

 

[SpikeBall]

Hello-kids can be so horrible. There are loads of documentaries out there about the bullying epidemic. Its strange how it's unique with adolescents-nobody does that as adults! And it does get way, way better. You'll find people who share your interests and value you. You will never need to be treated so poorly again-once you grow up, you are in charge! Any way you can switch schools?

 

[radicalgratitude]

I'm so sorry that you are going through all this. There is a lot of truth to what SpikeBall wrote. If someone continues to be a bully past adolescence, they have a hard time finding any friends. On the flip-side, those who were bullied as an adolescent are able to find good friends as adults, provided that they don't turn into bullies themselves.

No one cares how popular/unpopular someone was as an adolescent, and I mean no one.

So it does get better and it's not your fault. However, the wounds from this are long lasting, so it's so important to get help. I'm glad you are reaching out now.

 

[ms spock]

My best to you today. It was nice to meet you briefly in chat.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@otakujome Welcome to the forum. There are many here who, like you have major bullying issues. I myself can totally sympathise as I was the odd one out at school as I was the only boy Ballet Dancer in the town. If I can be any help to you, please just ask.

Sending huge :hug:s from the UK if you accept them.

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

Well done by taking the first steps and coming in this forum, you will recieve lots of support. Bullies often have their own insecurities which is why it makes them feel better to hurt others , they also may have been bullied or abused and hve copied behaviours and have no way off reaching out for the correct support. However this does not excuse their abhorrent behaviours. I often cry when I'm writing my posts coz it makes me feel better putting on down on paper or a screen makes it so real and makes you realise how much ur hurting, never b afraid to release your emotions , there better out than in! Have you tried journaling or eft ? These are both good supports that you can do in the comfort if your own room if your not confident to see someone to talk about these bully's . I do think u need to speak to someone who may be able to help you, if you can someone that you can trust . Try not to get into a bad crowd , ur an intelligent person who could really use it to your benefit. Hugs all the way , stay strong I'm rooting for u all the way. Please continue to come on here as I know you will recieve some excellant support nd guidance and it's a place to vent out your emotions nd feelings safely without n e one judging you. God bless x

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I started a truma diary on here.

 

[ms spock]

That is great otakujome.

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

Well done

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I decided to write both about happiness and sadness there, to give myself something nice to think of.